I don't know if we're together...?

Ok, so due to my inability to meet anyone in the real world, I have recently turned to online dating (namely OKCupid) to meet some interesting folks in my area as opposed to the usual Friday and Saturday night barflies. I have been on the site for about a month-a month and a half and have met 3 people in person so far.

This post will only deal with the last guy I met in person from the site. We talked for about 2 weeks and decided to meet up in person to go see a movie. Everything went ridiculously well, so well that we skipped the movie in favor of having a few drinks and getting to know one another better. In the span of 2 weeks, we have seen each other 4 times. The shortest date, the first one, was about 8 hours long. The longest date was about 14 hours long. He even joked that we're doing several months of dating in a matter of days.

We have amazing chemistry and he has been very open about how he's astonished at how easy and natural it feels being together (I feel the same way) especially given the short amount of time we've known each other.

Anyway, I have kept my OKCupid account open and so has he. I have been telling guys that are interested in me that I am currently seeing someone, but we're not officially dating, just because I feel like that's the right thing to do. He and I have not had the exclusivity talk yet, but I'm wondering if we ever will. I don't want to bring it up because I know it's been too short a period of time to broach the subject, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else from that site or otherwise.

I also don't want to close my account because I feel like that would be sending him some kind of a message that I'm pressuring him to say that we're a couple. So, what should I do? Some people have the talk very blatantly when they feel the time is right, some never have it and it becomes an unspoken agreement through the longevity of time spent together. If he wants to meet other women, that's fine, but I am at a point where rather than meeting anyone new, I want to get to know him better - and only him.

Should I mention it? Should I wait and see if he mentions it? My best male friend says he always waits 5 dates before having the relationship talk with a woman - no exceptions. I'm just very confused since this is the first time I have found myself in a "kinda sorta dating, but not really-ish" situation.

Ladies, ever been in this situation? If so, what did you do? Guys, do you typically have the talk or do you just let things run their course and assume all will be made clear after a while?

 

I would follow Napoleon's advice when he said, and I paraphrase: After I've decided on a course of action, I wait 3 years before executing it.

 

Just say what you want - young people always think there's something wrong with that like you need to keep a status quo or something.

How many times have you slept with him, 2-4 times? I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with a girl telling me after the first time I sleep with her that it's ok for me to not be committal yet but I better not be banging any other chicks while I'm banging her.

Perfectly fine to me.

 

By the way - did your other situation from months ago go away quietly?

 

2 weeks is like... a blip on the radar in the big picture. I know you feel like you've known each other forever and all that good stuff, but just give it some more time to unfold. Just go with it and enjoy each other without getting too uptight and serious just yet. I personally would get the red flag of clingyness if someone were to pop the exclusivity talk within 2 weeks, even if I wasn't interested in actively seeking other dates. Just chill and enjoy each other for a while more. I think the 1 month point is reasonable to start bringing up the subject, maybe a little longer if you're not hanging out at least 3-4 times a week... just going by my courting experience with the current bf.

 

You're in too much of a hurry, and that is destructive to a relationship. I suggest that you date someone, and just keep dating until both of you decide. Decide what? Who knows. But I assure you kid, patience is a must. And you're in too much of a hurry.

 

I am on OKC as well (drericfautstein), met some nice ladies but nothing that has given me that "spark" feeling you are talking about.

I personally feel like each relationship is different.

they each go at their own pace. it sounds like yours is moving along quite fast. I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with explaing to your new friend what you are feeling/experiencing/etc. If i was the guy in your situation, i would feel relieved to talk about our relationship. Ask him if you think 2 weeks is too short of time. Tell him to be honest.

On one hand, 2 weeks is an extremely small sample size. but on the other, who can tell you how fast is too fast? only you two can possibly know. this is why that whole "do you believe in love at first sight" thing is actually a legit question. I do think patience is a very important virtue, especially in relationships. It would be wise to wait a bit for the initial feelings to subside before you make a decision on if you want to be together. But like i said, you should only listen to yourself. worst case scenario you guys break up. it happens to millions of couples each day. a very common life experience.

If i was you, next time your on a date, just ask him what he thinks about your relationship. does he see a future, or just want to play things by ear and not put too much pressure on yourselves with all the labels. or does he just simply want to be friends and not take things further? Let him know that you support his decision, whatever it may be. As it will be for the best.

As far as your account goes, there is no reason to delete it. or say that you are taken. you are theoretically still single, this is what dating is. you go on a few dates with as many people as you can and choose the one that is best for you after you think they are relationship material.

If you guys do decide to label yourselves "in a relationship", i think you just have to take it one day/experience at a time and be patient that way. I think the problem most people have is they expect a relationship to last a certain amount of time. a year, forever, whatever. If you just take it one day at a time, you won't feel obliterated if you two decide you weren't meant to be. try to learn from each relationship you have, and take those experiences with you to make you better in the future.

I think you just have to answer these questions yourself, and try to give your new friend the impression that he can talk to you about anything. As a guy, it can be very nerve racking trying to tell a girl something that we aren't comfortable talking about. If you make him feel like he can talk to you about ANYTHING, he will melt in your hands. When you start discussing these touching topics, it will only bring you closer.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you find what your looking for!

Bon Voyage : )

 

I met my current boyfriend at okcupid as well, and with us we hit it off very quickly. we both closed our accounts within a week of meeting each other,and we have now been together over 6 months.

I think if you have been comfortable with each other and spending lots of time together, there's nothing wrong with bringing up the exclusivity talk. If he's not ready, then he's not ready. Better to be honest about your desire to know where things are going. This is what I love about internet dating, you can filter the people you meet by putting your expectations and criteria out there, and most importantly, you can be blunt about what you want.

 

To start with, leave your ok cupid account active. There is no point in shutting anything down just yet. Also, you can choose to not respond to anybody as opposed to telling them you are seeing somebody. Responding after a week or two may seem like a long time but its not that big a deal.

In terms of this guy you are dating, I think you should give it more time. Keep seeing him i(put off sex...in my opinion that can complicate things if you are not even sure if you are in a relationship) for a few more weeks and then simply ask how he feels about you. be open and honest about whethor or not you want it to be more than friends and in the same conversation you can talk about whethor or not to disable not the same as delete) your accounts. With anybody that you end up dating seriously from that website the talk about the account is going to have to be brought up so that the two of you know you are not continuing to meet with people. Good luck! I have always wondered about that site. I'm glad to hear things have been working out for you (even if you dont know where they are headed).

 

Seriously...I stumbled upon this link for a reason. I have been interested in the idea of online dating (that site in particular) but feeling so skeptical. I'm glad to hear that it has worked for some people.

 

Definitely go for it. You've got nothing to lose 1 in 3 marriages a year resulted from a couple who met via dating sites.

 

could partially explain the high divorce rate...

 

That's another (more negative) way to look at it.

 

I met my gf on OKC as well. great site. we had our first date and then saw each other every single day for like 3 months straight, we just clicked insanely well. she had been dropping little hints that she's looking for something serious, and that she really likes me, so when i felt the time was right, i told her i want her to be my gf and for me to be her bf. after that we deleted our accounts and we're still together (6 months ish)

***C O M M U N I C A T I O N***

no one can tell you whether you two are together except you two! even if every single person in this thread said "OBVIOUSLY you are together", that holds zero weight when you go and act like you're together with him and he suddenly freaks out and is wondering why you are being the girlfriend when he's still shopping around.

you gotta just have a talk with him. don't give him an ultimatum yet, but inform him that you are looking for a steady BF and you were wondering what he's looking for. If he's looking for something different (a fling), tell him that's not good news, because you're not interested in being that, and if he really likes you, well he'll answer the right way

but you gotta talk to your man. not to hipforums.

 

I'm pretty much not dateable. I have profiles on OKC and POF and last I looked no takers.
Hmmm. Gets me to wonder sometimes if it's really worth it.

 

6 monthish here too! congrats

 

I would say don't bring it up. It's a new relationship and you should let it develop of it's own momentum. I don't think you want to put boundries and expectations on a relationship that is just begining. Yall still both have your best faces on. I don't think you can really know a person until you've seen a couple of their bad days.

But from what you said it seems he likes you and I'd bet is gonna bring up the subject sooner or later. But at the same time it's nice for the girl to be assertive every once in a while. I suck at giving advice lol sorry

 

Would you date me? Please?


Here, I'll lift up my arm, you take the ink pad and the date stamp, and plant me a nice firm one riiiiight underneath my armpit....