I have two brothers that deal with mental issues and drug addictions so I was always considered the "good one". I didn't get in much trouble and I was always pretty honest with my parents, always took care of my responsibilities, etc. I never abused drugs and I only drank once or twice a week so I thought I had everything in control. After getting in to a drunken bar fight and hurting a guy I was finally able to see I didn't have anything in control. I finally seen the monster in me that I had been hiding. I realized I was only drinking so I could blame my behavior on being drunk. After the fight I decided to stop drinking and I started smoking pot. At first I was only smoking pot for a mind change since I wasn't drinking. It took a month or so to realize since I started smoking I didn't feel that inner monster in me trying to get out. Before it felt like I'd keep it hidden all week and after a few beers on Friday I'd let it out and be free. Now I'm working 50-60 hours a week and I can feel the stress rising and I can feel the need to let it out. Even without alcohol I slipped last week and let my monster out. It just felt like too much to hold in. It started at work so I wasn't able to smoke. It just happened and I couldn't stop myself. I feel like stress is playing a big part in the role. I took a extra day off this weekend and I feel better and back to me and back on the right track but I feel it's only a matter of time before it happens again. Can anyone else relate? I sometimes wonder if I'm alone because I don't want to share with anyone about my "monster". I'm too ashamed.
I had my days trying to use pot/alcohol even cocaine to keep that inner demon inside of me under control. So have many people that were really seeking for something far greater. The day I learned this meditation practice that takes me directly to the Source of All That Is, was the day I got my very best high. I discovered that rising beyond was far better than sinking below...that's what the drugs did for me, numbed me out. But the techniques I learned came with me even with my eyes open...you know it's one thing to close your eyes and let yourself be taken away into bliss, it's a totally awesome boon to be able to take that with you into the world, yet retain clarity of mind. It might be worth checking out meditation practices as a way to help you dissolve the stress "monster" inside of you. You can find out about the one I use if you like at: www.theishayafoundation.org. Maybe it will speak to you, but if not keep looking for a meditation practice that helps draw your mind inward to touch upon Infinity...It's the best at providing what ever it is that YOU need to help you release any limitations. I so appreciate your honesty! P.S. I have mental stuff in my family too...so bad that one of my sisters shot herself in the head at 18 years old. I had the same thoughts but have finally begun to find something to help me rise beyond all of that.
meditation sounds good therapy might be good for you too. there is probably something in your family life/ past that is making you like this
the fact that you are trying to overcome this suggests that you are not evil, you just have a problem. hope you are able to work things out!
Hang a heavy bag like the boxers use and whip the shit out of it when you feel uptight. Whip it 'till you fall down tired. And then meditate about it.
e7m8 - I know I'm not evil but I know there is a side of me that I don't like. I said evil but I just meant "negative"
Whether a person will admit it or not, every single one of us has two sides...that being said, you've gotten some very good advise. I particularly like scratcho's - but then I've actually used a boxing bag. Talk about using up some stress! Since you do see that you have a monster lurking, you are already one step ahead of many! Also, having the good sense to desire to keep it "leashed" is commendable. You can know that should there ever be a need, like in a life and death situation for you and/or your's, you have a bit of extra oomph to call upon.
scratcho - I think I like your idea the best. Maybe not so much just beat the shit out of a bag but a physically demanding hobby could definitely help redirect my stress.
Anger is a deviant of fear. Stress does play a role. Fear is a liar. Anxiety is caused by the misapprehension of what is so*, and following the voice of fear will not make you any safer. Neither fortress nor prison has kept us safe, but familiarity can. * or brain chemicals
I feel like everything I stress about has to do with money. Other then that I am a pretty laid back guy. This has me thinking of making a big lifestyle change. Like living off the grid in a self sustaining home. I don't think I want to live my whole life chasing money
Focus instead on developing a level of competence that you can rely on and money and relationships will fall into place. Learning to correctly identify threats from benign circumstances would be such a level. For one thing friend, I can tell you there are no such things as monsters. That belief, is a child's nightmare.
I think there is a lot of truth in that statement. I need to take this in to consideration. If you were to ask me what I'm good at? I wouldn't have a answer. I'm not great at anything. I have no skill. I've always done a little bit of this and a little bit of that yet never focused on any one thing and became great at it.
