Please help me understand my wife!!

My wifes behaviour is driving me crazy and I'd appreciate any view that will help me understand what's going on. We've been together a total of 4 years, one of which married, and we get along great in just about everything. My problem is that after we got married my wife's attitude towards sex changed and what's happening worries me and upsets me.

I knew since we started dating that sex wasn't important to her. I mean she has never initiated anything, she would avoid to talk about it and get angry at me if I do and she won't try anything except missionary where I'm the one who is doing all the work. All this doesn't bother me though. On the other hand for me sex is really important and I can honestly say that given our differences she has always tried to accommodated me. She would turn me down if I suggest to have a second round or even if I ask two days in a row but she never makes me wait for too long and we average twice a week.

My problem is that the little passion she had seems to have faded since we started to plan the wedding. In the beginning of our relationship she was having orgasms (not every time) from both oral and penetrative sex and I felt I was satisfying her but over the past year things have changed... Not only she doesn't allow me to go down on her any more and but also whenever we have sex her hands find a way to my sensitive spot that she knows takes me over the edge. Needless to say that with me finishing within a minute her last orgasm I remember was before we got married.

I've told her a few times not to put me over the top so fast because I want to see her have an orgasm and asked her why she doesn't like to have them any more. The first time her response was that having an orgasm is not important to her. She enjoys the closeness and loves the fact that I'm so attracted to her that I can't control myself for long. The second time I brought it up, she said "Do you want to have an argument? We've been over this already. Stop focusing on sex so much". The third time she gave me the look, told me I'm walking on thin ice and was mad at me for almost a month and rejected all my advances...

Basically, I'm now at a point that I can't bring anything up. Day in day out the scenario is this... She usually likes to watch TV at night. If I put my hand on her leg she would ask me "Are you horny?" to make sure I want it. I reply with "yes" of course and if she wants it as well I get the an answer "ok" which is the green light that I can have sex with her. If she doesn't want it she would tell me "you are fine. you can wait".

In a way I feel trapped and very strange. It's not that I'm unsatisfied but I think my wife is who says she's not. Could she be telling the truth? Sometimes I feel she's doing me a favor to sleep with me. But she looks happy when I get in her and after it's done. Just not in the same way as before. The TV has never interfered, whatever it's on and she would always wait for me awake in bed to finish up some work I do at home. If she was unhappy wouldn't she use TV as an excuse or fall asleep or pretend to be asleep in order to avoid me?? We have vanilla sex just to satisfy the basic need and any sex related talk (about this or something else) has become a taboo. Does all this sound normal or there is something else going on? Why did she change? Why she doesn't want to have an orgasm? Could she trully be happy the way things are right now? Am I overreacting?

 

You know I cannot really say much from experience about your situation. However at the very least it sounds like you two are fairly happy regardless. Some women are simply different in their needs and how then feel they should be satisfied or concentrated on. I was seeing one girl for a few months recently that would have a vaginal orgasm 3 times in 5 minutes, and then have real wet g-spot ones imbetween. And then before that I was with a totally opposite girl for years, who loved sex, but never had an orgasm from it, only could by masturbating for a while. So I would help, and she was totally satisfied with it.

My point being is that if she looks happy, if she says she is happy, and if she does not seem like she is colder or meaner or more sour and down then usual, then perhaps nothing is wrong. Perhaps she has lost her sexual appetite a little bit, but still loves you enough to know your needs matter to and then she can handle them for you.

If it is really a noticeable change in her life however, as in, the fact she is not having orgasms seems to have made a noticeable negative effect on her attitude and your relationship, then perhaps a relationship councilor is in order?

 

The only reason to get married is if you are tired of having sex.

 

haha, for real..

But seriously, it's normal for a woman's sex drive to fluctuate but the fact that she's being so testy with you and refuses to even speak to you about it, not to mention the fact she talks to you like a child ("you're fine, you can wait" wtf? that's so disrespectful) makes it seem to me that there are some underlying issues with her. What they could be is anyone's guess, it could be as serious as her not being attracted to you anymore or cheating on you, to simply having some hormonal changes or depression. Women are deceitful creatures and can hide a world of pain and problems behind a smile for years. All you can do is talk to her and try to get to the root of the problem. Perhaps see a therapist together... but in the end you really have to think seriously about what YOU want and what will make YOU happy for the rest of your life. Can you live with it?

 

to long to read

 

LOL at the thread title!

 

you guys need some couple's therapy. I dated a girl for 5 years and went through a few years of that. It turned out she was very confused about her sexuality. something she kept from me the whole time despite many conversations. she is now happily living with her female partner. Not that i am saying your wife is lesbian, but your relationship does not seem healthy

 

How does this happen? Where you guys like 18 when you got married or something?

I just can't imagine a Late 20's to early 30's person just having an epiphany out of the blue they are lesbian after getting married to someone.

Edit: Saw your age, assuming that's for real I guess so.

 

It happens. One of my close friends was with his woman for 10 years, they finally got married and not even a year into it she up and left him for a girl. They are both 35ish. Although they were swingers - it was no secret she was into girls, but to just up and decide you're full on lesbian after 10 years of being supposedly "permanently attached" (their words) to a dude... everyone discovers themselves at their own pace.

 

I was never married, we were just in a relationship. We started dating when we were 16. she was openly bi sexual when we started dating. she asked me out, and carried herself confidently. as our relationship matured it became clear that she was a very unhappy person, but she always insisted that she knew her orientation and that had nothing to do with it.

at the end of our relationship she became close with a woman our age who was a lesbian and it became clear to her that she needed to be with a woman.

 

ahhhh ok, makes more sense now.

 

"do you promise to love, honour, cherish and protect her?"

don't recall the vicar asking whether you are committed to the wheelbarrow position.

some people don't like sex. you need to choose what's more important - sex, or a happy marriage. if its the former, leave. however

if its the the latter, accept your differences. there should be a bit of give and take, though. tell her this, but don't be forceful.

you enjoy sex, so your asking of her is the equal of point blank telling you to stop, or to 'use the TV' as an ample excuse. just understand your differences, and make it seem like what it is in her eyes

about love. are you trying to be romantic or just placing her hand on your dick?

good luck. for the record, sex is a little blasé to me also so i can comment on the situation from her perspective.

 

A lot of people are in denial because they grew up thinking it was wrong. Some hide behind being bi, you know "Bi now, gay later"

 

x2

 

she sounds like a bitch

 

You need to make her come every single time. Even if you're down there for 40 minutes. That way, it's always gonna be good for both of you.

 

Ditch The Bitch......And Move Foward Into The Next Chapter Of Your Life...



Cheers Glen.

 

I say drop a couple MDMA's with her and see how things turn out

 

haha,i agree.

 

When I saw the title my first thought was "Good Luck" but after reading your lengthy post, I do have a more applicable, if tongue-in-cheek, suggestion.

My opinion only, no science here, just my experience after 19 years of marriage.

When people are dating, there's a courtship that goes on. You play hard to get, she plays hard to get. You are both trying to sell yourself to the other person. You do nice things for each other, etc.

Once you get married, two basic laws of economics take over: The Law of Diminishing Returns, and Scarcity.

I relate the first, the Law of Diminishing Return, to cover the first few years of marriage. It's fun for a while, then the "new-ness" of it wares off. You keep working harder and harder to get some, she gets less and less interested to the point that you finally become a big ole' turn off to her.

And that's where Scarcity comes in.....

But seriously, the law of scarcity says that things that are free often have little or no demand but the same item priced at market value or even above will create it's own demand.

Think about it, Timex watch, $34. Rolex watch. $8,500. They do the same damn thing but which one has demand?

Same thing in marriage. My suggestion, remember your courtship. Don't be so desperate. Make her want to be with you. Hold out on her (sounds stupid, but it works). And last but not least, buy her something nice. My wife's Verizon iPhone arrived via UPS on Tuesday, WELL WORTH EVERY DOLLAR and I don't know if the stupid phone even works or not if you know what I mean!

Good luck!