I am completely alone. I'm talking last man on Earth alone. Robert Neville I am Legend alone. Yes, technically there are people around me, and yes, technically I do interact with them on a rudimentary basis, but the truth is I'm infinitely removed from everyone. I exist so deep within my own psyche there's no one here but me. On the surface I have a handful of friends and acquaintances, I'm dabbling in casual dating, I have family around and even a roommate. However, there are no real connections. I'm locked in a prison, and although we may see each other from opposite sides of the bars, we're all separated. I'm tired of it. I want love. I want real friendship. I want a reason not to check out with a bullet through the brainpan. I don't know what to do. I've been forcing myself to meet new people but that's gone nowhere. I go out, do stuff, talk to folks. I still can't let them in. I don't know how to. I've been dating quite a bit, but it all goes nowhere. Maybe I get myself laid, but that's that. No emotional ties. No blossoming relationship. Just two pieces of meat groping at each other in the night. Meaningless. I've always been alone and I fear I'll be alone until the day I die. This is a miserable way to live. I don't know what to do. I've been sober all my life until the last year. I've been dabbling with drugs. They're so enticing. The right stuff makes me feel, if for only a little while. I become connected. I love, I hate, I cry, I laugh. I'm almost human. But it's fleeting and false. I want to feel without drugs. I want to love and be loved.
It sounds to me like you're on the right path to developing meaningful relationships in your life because you are going out and meeting new people, alot of people can't even get that far. But you're going to have to take the next step and actually "let them in" as you put it. I would strongly suggest that you talk to someone in the medical field about how you don't know how to let them in. As far as the drugs,.....fuck that, they're a step in the wrong direction if you're feeling detached from people, and believe me it's only going to get worse. ....And maybe try talking with people hear on the forums, you might really hit it off with someone. I wish I could be more helpful with advice/knowledge.
It's been said we can never truly love another unless we love ourself. If you're not letting people in, it may be because you don't think they'll like what they find.
Maybe you should consider that it is not necessarily a bad thing to have time to yourself. Meditation, writing, creating art, poetry, and reading are all activities that I believe are best done alone. These are my favorite things to do, and I have recently been trying to be alittle less social. Companionship is enjoyable, but in the end it not as fulfilling as personal understanding and knowledge. I believe that most humans need a variety of social interaction and personal space to cultivate themselves successfully. The ratio of each will vary from person to person. Relying on others in my experience has been hit and miss. If your content with yourself in life, it makes being content much easier.
Maybe what you consider as 'you' is not actually you at all, so you're looking for relationships that already exist and you can see all too clearly. The common definition of a relationship is so mundane (and wrong) it's not surprising you feel like a piece of meat with your girlfriend.
If you have been thinking about suicide, you may want to visit a site like www.suicideforum.com or a site that has links to phone hotlines like www.befrienders.org The first site might be a good place to go to discuss the way you feel regardless. You could try therapy. So you have a desire to connect with people, and I think that is the most crucial element. Something is in the way, and if you can figure out what that is, you may be able to connect. For a lot of people, talking about what you really feel is difficult. People often relate to each other on a level of what they think is socially acceptable, rather than what is really going on in their lives. Painful subjects are too scary for many people to deal with. Maybe emotional intimacy is the thing you are missing? I think that you can find friends and a gf who wants this too. just have to find a way to break down the wall good luck! I hope it all works out.
