Female with question about Porn..

It sounds to me like you need more confidence. Porn is a bit of a rush, is all; that holds nothing to companionship.

 

Man, you have NO idea how much I've needed to hear this from a guy. I've had a similar issue to the OP for a long time now...and I have confronted him about it before (but not so nicely...so OP, if you do, don't do it in an accusing or bitchy way...trust me, the argument that ensues is NOT worth it), but he said something similar to this. However, you worded it FAR better than he did and it makes a lot more sense hearing it like that.

 

Like I said, I'm not very outspoken, and don't like confrontation at all, so I don't think I'll have a problem with it. I'm more likely to cry before I bitch.

 

I really appreciate it, Duck. You've helped a lot.
I gotta think about how I'm going to bring it up, and what I'm going to even say, because this is the third time now and I really don't want to seem like i'm nagging or something. I'm just upset.

 

IMHO, porn can absolutely be a problem in a relationship. I probably don't know enough about the subject. I've certainly viewed porn on the internet, both with and without my wife, but not sure about downloaded. That to me would imply it was saved to a computer and I've never seen a reason to do that.

All that said, I have read, and I must say this fits my relationship very well, that men are naturally "visual." Apparently, we're attracted to things we see (that and most of us are pigs). Women are pretty, we like to see pretty things. Porn is hot, we like that. It's all about what we can see. Women, again, according to what I've read and I'm sure there are people who can contradict this, are more attracted to other senses such as smells and it's important what they hear (I love you, dirty talk, etc).

I know in my personal relationship those conditions do seem to exist. All that said, try not to be too jealous of the porn thing. I don't see your age anywhere in your posts but if your boyfriend is between 15 and 35, yeah, he probably looks at a lot of porn. If he's older than that and still does it, God bless him, it means he's got more time on his hands than I do.

 

Mostly hoarders like myself do it with the intention of viewing it more than once. Just FYI

 

I'm 19, and he's 22.
I'm just trying to think of a way that we can share it.. so he doesn't have to be so secret about it, and I don't have to feel like he doesn't find me a attractive anymore.

 

I came up with an idea..
what if I offered to let him record us? Just for his "collection".
What do you think? I don't want to do it if it sounds stupid..

 

Not a good idea, IMHO. Do you really want that to get online for all to see? Because I can almost guarantee that's what will happen.

 

I must be getting old. That post sounds downright reasonable.

 

My boyfriend has tons of erotic photographs and porn movies. But he does not hide it. Never bothered me. He is not porn addict, he simply likes to watch naked women, perfectly natural in a man, and downloading photos and videos ends up being a hobby. He doesn´t have time to watch it all. It´s like a collection. Sometimes i watch movies/photos with him, he even specificaly shows some to me, either because he likes a model in particular or because she has stocking, heels or any accessories he thinks i might like. Or even if there´s some kinky in the movie i might find funny. I guess we are both open about it, never been a problem. Besides, i could never feel jealous of an image on the pc. I am by his side, i am palpable, a companion. The ladies in the photos and movies aren´t. He can have sex, talk and laugh with me, not them. And the fact that they have great bodies and my own, compared to theirs, is way less sexy, again it does not bother me at all. I am not perfect but, again, i am real! If your boyfriend keeps time to spend with you and doesn´t neglect you because of porn, then, why hide anything? It´s better if both of you could be honest about the subject and any insecurity from both parties would simply disappear.

 

Not a good idea. There might be a temptation to post the video online, you never know what the future holds...
Why don´t you suggest you watch some videos/photos with him? Maybe he will feel more confortable admiting he likes porn and you may find out it´s not such a big deal after all.

 

This is exactly how I WANT to feel. I just don't know how to get over being jealous. It gets in the way of me wanting to be okay with it, and wanting to be a part of it.

 

How do I bring something like that up casually though?
I can't just be like, "Lets watch some porn baby!" when he knows it makes me uncomfortable when he watches it.
I send him sexy pictures to his phone sometimes while he's gone or I let him take some of me. Only because he promised they'd stay there and he'd be the only one to see them.

 

1)Let him catch you watching some of his porn.

or

2)Try sneaking upon him when he´s watching it and join him in "the fun"

3)Send him a sexy photo of you and tell him you got inspiration in some photos you saw on the web

5)Suggest him a site, buy him a subscription of a tasteful erotic one, like Met-Art, it´s not porn and it may be a starting point for both of you to share.

4)Sit down and talk to him. Tell him you both started on the wrong foot and there´s no reason for any of you to feel unconfortable

 

I wouldn't get too upset over any pron lies. Men usually do this because their woman has made a demand that goes against their biological urges and they don't want to upset their woman by saying "No, this is normal male behaviour. Why should I change over your hang up?" They usually figure lying saves her feelings and he can still do what he needs to do. - This almost always backfires as the man underestimates the emotional toll of the woman's insecurities.

What can a guy do? Be a liar? Be direct about the normalcy of pr0n and then have the woman pull the 'but if you loved me you'd stop' routine that comes with insecurity? Who the hells knows...but I guess that's why we have whole sections of bookstores dedicated to relationships and sex. Ain't nothing ever clear cut.

 

I went through a phase of jealousy and it made me nearly insane. "What is he hiding?" "Whats on his phone and computer?" I decided no matter how hard I put my foot down it would always be there. I also realized he puts up with a lot of my shit in the relationship so I backed off. We keep the conversation open and honest. Visiting a sex shop together is a fun date. Buy some toys, a video you both are interested in and have fun.

He thinks you are hot.

Open up with him in not an abrasive attitude and see what comes of it.

You might be surprised in yourself!

 

i will always take the real thing over porn but i love porn.

 

i had to go to rehab for my porn addiction

 

In terms of the jealousy aspect there really is no difference between this and stuff like if he notices you always get extra frisky after NCIS with Mark Harmon, or every time a Matt Damon movie comes out you rush to see it opening week and you are always at your friskiest later the same night

In real life, he flirts with another girl, then gets the evil stare from you, maybe whacked over the head. But then later sees you get extra flirty with another guy, he calls you on it, but then you come back with a little flutter with the eyes "Oh, I was just being friendy" talk about how nice that guy is for the next hour then a couple hours ater get into the old porn argument. Then he's going to see it as all one sided. The scientific term being called passive aggressive.

Yes, him getting on his PC and watching two black guys bang a college girl isnt quite the same as you crossing your legs and shushing him half way through the Dark Knight when Christian Bale takes off his shirt - but jealousy factor with the partner is the same

Guys are more primal, more visual creatures? IMO thats total bullshit, it may not be as obvious, cos with the girls it can be as simple as how tall the guy is, but its the same - if it werent, then Jack Black would be just as much a sex symbol as George Clooney is.

I think No 1 thing you need to do to solve this problem has nothing to do with porn, you have to work out what his version of this is. What do you do that in the jealousy stakes makes his blood boil just as much, do you eye off some guys when you are standing right next to him? Be sure you dont cos a lot of you girls dont even realise you are doing it. And dont think he doesnt notice, they do, they just get trained not to say anything cos the girl usually comes back with the lame sweet innocent girl routine