Decidedly Alone

So of late I have decided that although I am told that 22 is too early to come to this decision I am better of single. This decision doesnt come shortly after a break up or melt down, far from it. I have found that in the last few years that I have been single, that it seems to suit me.

I have never really had what you would call a long relationship, except perhaps with one of my best friends long distance... it didnt work out.

I am content to spend time with myself, I just figure that if by my age I haven't really had a relationship then I am destined to be alone. And this isnt a sad thought for me. I am not ruling out having small flings or whatnot, i just cant see them turning into full-for-the-rest-of-my-life relationships. I dont see it as holding me back from having children or having beautiful and loving friends and family in my life. I know that there are aspects of a commited relationship that cannot be substituted and I am ok with that.

It does not mean that I will not experience loneliness from time to time I am sure, but I am not afraid of feeling, and I will not let that get the better of me, I will appreciate what I have in my life.

Are there also others out there who can relate to my decision or who have made similar decisions to mine?

(people diametrically opposed to my decisions need not reply)

 

Kind of. Although my decision to remain alone is partly due to circumstances that I didn't desire, and that were/are beyond my control. So my situation isnt something I exactly chose, even if I chose to remain alone as a by-product of that situation. I also differ in that I've never had a relationship, or experienced physical intimacy of any kind.

Id say that 22 is too early an age to come to the conclusion that you'll always be alone. Unless being alone is genuinely what you want. To say you'll always be alone just because you've never had a long term relationship by 22 is a bit premature and unwarranted I think.

You may say that you are not afraid of feeling alone, but from personal experience, I can say that the older Im becoming, being alone is getting more difficult to deal with, and now hurts me. When I was in my early 20's, being alone didn't get to me so much, and didn't really bother me. So while you think now you'd be okay with staying alone forever, don't be surprised if later on it starts having a negative effect on you.

Being single is fine, but I would say it's a bit too early to making such sweeping statements and final decisions in your life. At least concerning relationships.

 

nobody needs to reply. the beauty of forums is in the fact that people of differing opinions can and will reply.

 

The great thing about making such a decision, is you can always change your mind later.

It certainly doesn't hurt to stop chasing the 'love dragon' and focus on loving yourself and the myriad of other things in life. So, enjoy your singleness!

But never is a word that most people eat in time.

 

I chose to be alone and single for the last 7 years. For much of it, I was very much content. Just having friends and hobbies was enough. But this year, I decided I should start trying to date again. Once I opened that door, I could feel a void that seemed like it had been hidden so well for a long time.

I'm not sure if I regret my choice or not. All I know is that getting back on the horse isn't as easy as I thought. So my advice would be not to close yourself off to possibilities. If you change your mind later, it will make things more difficult.

 

I'm 19 and I'm choosing to avoid any chance of being in a serious relationship until further notice. A lot of people think I'm making a bad decision because, apparently I'm such a "wonderful person" and the right kind of person would fall in love with me instantly. I admit, I'm pretty unique. Someone who's into a girl like me has a lot of searching to do and probably isn't going to let me go once they find me. But I have school to deal with. I have my physical appearance to modify (I value physical beauty a lot, and I have my own idea of it, and I would like to meet those standards before I give my body to another person). I have some things personality and sexuality wise to figure out about myself. I think at my age, it's smart, if anything, to want to wait until I feel complete and beautiful on my own before I try to get into a relationship. Also, I'm beginning to like myself a lot as a person, and I'm not willing to compromise any aspect of myself. Therefore, there's a very good chance that since I'm enjoying being single more and more each day, that I'm never going to want to "settle down." I have a family already. I plan to have children whether I ever get married or not. I don't expect anything from myself other than to exist, and that's enough to make me feel blissful and completely loved.

Our situations are probably different, but I totally understand where you're coming from.

 

I think it's one thing to not torture yourself over the fact that you are not in a relationship and another to say that you are fated never to be in a relationship.

you might want to talk to a relationship councilor about this, just to bounce the concept off of them.

 

Please understand that I have been in your shoes. But for the last two years I have worked in an elderly apartment building. There I have learned how important relationships are. I urge you to bond with someone... anyone... in a long term relationship. It doesn't have to be romantic. Just loving. someone who will always be near you and care for you. We have but one chance at life. If you are happy with your life because you have achieved success!!! then you will be satisfied when you reach your last years. If you give up,and decide later in life that you regret your decision... it will have a very destructive effect on your mental and physical well-being. Better to have tried and failed... etc.
Romance can have devistating effects. I know. I am speaking of even a sister or best friend that will never fail you or move away.
I respect your decision not to conform to a fairytale lifestyle. I hope you are happy in all that you do.

 

Well it sound's like you have never truly been in love, its just been like, relationships. Because once your in love, you never want to give it up, and its just the best thing in the entire world.

the modern day perception of love can be completely wrong. most see it as it isn’t. most feel it as it’s not. but it’s out there. it’s real.

love is not an emotion. yes, it is good sense. but it’s so much more. it doesn’t matter if you’ve been heart broken, it doesn’t matter if you’ve crashed and burned. it doesn’t matter who you’ve loved, how you love. you can give the illusion of love to anyone. you can easily make anyone feel, like they’re ‘in love.’ you can cuddle, you can kiss, make love, hold each other. you can give the sense of being loved. it’s easy. that’s where most people stop. well, they don’t stop. they just give up looking. they get the illusion that that’s that. y’kno?

love, is when you find yourself, in another. when you can have your alone time, with your other. it’s not just, if you guys have similar tastes, similar sounds, similar interest. it’s whats there. what’s deep. what you can feel. i mean, ah. this is hard. but i’m trying. love, is when all walls are completely tore down, and it’s just, the two of you. raw, and naked. down to the very roots. and you realize, that it’s just, it’s always been, just the two of you. and it will always be. something you can never, ever turn your back on. nothing you could even imagine to hurt. nothing truly hurts with love. it’s all just lessons. lessons with yourself, lessons with them, lessons with everything. just, seriously. when it’s you, and yourself. when it’s them, and themselves. when you guys, are one. when everything is shared, every feeling, every itch, every bruise, every heart beat, every breathe, every smile, every everything. you are them. they, are you.

people will give up looking for themselves, when they get the sense of love. naturally, the human brain, will stop being interested in a person around 18 months. this is a main cause of why so many people get divorced, and ruin the beautifulness of ‘marriage.’ they realize, that they are not with themselves, they are not with the one whom they love. they ‘fall out of love’ because, frankly, they just had the sense of love. but, when you’re with your soulmate. it doesn’t matter if you’re legally wed in any religion, any way. you already are. you’re already tied down, you’re rooted down, with the complete, and total bliss of your partner. of your love. your souls are truly one. just one soul.

not that many people, can truly experience such joy. such, perfection. because they’re afraid to either, let themselves go, or be true to themselves. it’s such a shame. ‘cause love, is the greatest thing ever. the greatest state ever, the greatest feeling, experience, everything.

when you can truly, surrender yourself, give everything, give your all, and never, ever, ever give up, for someone. when you can be 2 miles, 5 miles, 500 miles, away, how ever, and you stay totally true to them. not just, ‘ohhh, i didn’t fool around with this guy at the bar., etcetc’ but when, you can’t even be yourself. without them there. when, you don’t just miss them, but you miss experiencing everything with them. when being with them alone, is better than any drug, any feeling, any movie, any food, anything. just you and them. when you can sit there, and just be in the calmest, perfect, place, just by looking into their eyes. when nothing, could ever compare, to the feeling, the bliss that is everywhere, when you’re together.

once you have it, you will never want to give it.

true love.

 

Uhh floes...that is sweet and all, but I think waaaay over the top. Being in love doesn't mean losing yourself, it means being able to be together and compliment each other, balance each other out. I really liked your last paragraph about not cheating on each other, the distance thing. That is totally true. Once you find someone, and really love them, why woud you hurt them for 5 minutes of self gratification? It means thinking of the other person, not just yourself, and giving up things for them to an extent and it makes you feel happy/fufilled in the process. Does that mean you always feel that way with your love partner, hell no! I've been with my husband for 19 years, and some years we can't stand each other! That's why it is important to have outside support and relationships too. You can't meet each other's every need, all the time.

I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe we have the potential to have more than one love if given the chance. I believe we have strong connections with people and if given the chance it could turn into love.

I also agree with PP about finding at least some kind of bonding relationship. Even if it is not romantic, we need to feel that connection. Have someone to share the good and bad times with. I luckily have those on top of my romantic partner. It takes a village.....

OP, I don't understand just writing off love, but I also was never one who looked for love. It just happened to me, very unexpectedly and it was def. one of the best things ever in my life. Like I said, I feel great fufillment and contenment because I have someone to share the happy and sad moments of my life with. On a deeper level than just friendship. He is my best friend, but so much more. He makes me angrier than anyone too, but it balances out the emotions.

Hopefully it will happen when you least expect it, OP and you grab it with both hands, and it turn out to be a wonderful experience for you!

 

All I can offer is that I totally respect your decision. I do think 22 is a bit young for that type of decision, but you are an adult and thus can make adult decisions.

My advice is to live your life as you see fit, but please let fate do its thing if fate decides to step in. You know-no dating, no being set up, no bar or club scene, but if say 5-10 year down the road (or even tomorrow) you keep seeing the same guy at like a Starbucks.

Then you realize that you smile each time you see him. Then that goes to saying hello everytime. Then perhaps he asks if he can sit with you while drinking his coffee...
Something simple like that could happen at anytime. You can find yourself thinking about Starbucks all the time, and hope your friend will be there.

With no expectations and not looking for any relationship, you may be able open up to this guy. Then before you know it you are so comfortable with each other.

Things can end right there, especially if you are dead set against any relationship, or maybe, just maybe before you know it you get that feeling every time you think of him, and voila-you have a boyfriend,lover, best friend, and with no pressure on yourself-just let it happen.

 

The beauty of love is that it will sneak up on you when you least expect it, and make your life so much better, even if you think that nothing could ever get better. 22 may or may not be too young to decide if you want to be alone, but when I was 13 I decided that I wanted to be alone for the rest of my life but in the last few years my perceptions of love have totally changed, and now I can't imagine being alone forever, it would, in my opinion, be an awful way to live. But then, different people have different ideas about things, especially something as controversial and complicated as love. Anyway, the great thing is, it's your choice

 

I have not been alone since I was sixteen, yeah my ex boyfriend is a bastard, but when you're in a relationship, the good parts are worth thousands of bad times. There's nothing like having someone there who loves you, someone to kiss and spoil... You may have had some bad experiences with love in the past but love is an erractic, mysterious, complicated thing that is so awesome and makes me feel so completely.... whole.

 

Totally true, Dahlia

 

Don't worry yourself. a romantic relationship is not a necessity. Romance is a construct of our minds to describe the cocktail of hormones that surge through your body telling you the person you've just seen would be ideal to procreate with, and provide for you and keep you alive. It is another survival instinct of the body, but not a truly needed one considering how plentiful things are (i.e. food, medicine, living quarters, etc.). It's like the saying "two heads are better then one." The body wants to maximize gain while minimize loss.

The construct that describes our interpretation of these sensations, "Romance", involves intimacy, compassion, bonding and sacrifice. We can all get that and give that to our friends, especially some of our closest, dearest friends.

I've had a great friendship with my dearest and closest friend for the past three years. We share a lot with each other, we give each other emotional support and give each other help when we need it and have lots of fun together, all without having to be romantically involved, or needing to procreate.

I've never had a romantic relationship in my life — nothing even close to one and I am almost 30. I am perfectly happy with that. Of course when I was much younger, I pined day and night to find "the one," but one day I realized that the pressure and expectations put on us by our culture are relative and false constructs. WHY is it deemed necessary to be in "love" and be in a relationship, have kids and live happily ever after? It's really not.

You are happy with who you are and that is only your concern. I've been yelled at, literally yelled at, and called crazy because I've decided to live alone. I was told I'd "miss out on life" and that it's "my duty to procreate." Says who?

The world is your oyster. Dig in without that ball and chain weighing you down!

 

I came to this conclusion as well.

 

I changed my mind

How can you say that you would suffer thousands of bad times for a moment of bliss?

 

i cant stand being alone i always wanna be with someone

 

I don't know you from Adam, but if you have a close-knit family, great friends, excellent job, solid demeanor, and the feeling that sexual intercourse is not on the top of your list, things might work out for you. Being in a relationship or marriage is not always honky dory, especially if you have money problems, too many mouths to feed, a husband/wife/partner who is very ill, a slut and a liar for a partner, etc. Being in a relationship can be very stressful, especially when you're totally in lust, not just love, with that person. Being with the same person for a very long time also has its many headaches. You've heard many horror stories, no doubt.

On the other hand, you will never know the magical qualities of having someone who really loves you and be there for you in times of hardship, illness, loneliness, and sexual heat. Some also say that a married person is more likely to get promoted than a single one.

Then again, you're only 23. When you see your first gray hair, it might turn your head around because from the tone of your writing, you're probably a guy, and many women I've met or talked to have this biological thing (as in having a baby) going in the mix.

 

I agree that it can sneak up on you, and when you give yourself to love, it stays with you even after death.