Hey, my ex and I have been recently hanging out lots and talking on the phone lots. She has a form of depression and I think that's what got in our way in the past. So now I'm the only person she can actually talk to about her problems and I don't think she's telling me everything anyways. I really want to get back with her and she says she does too except for there are things going on that are getting in our ways that she won't tell me about. I have no idea what this could be. She says she doesn't want to have to worry about getting in arguements with me. Even though the only time we do get in arguements is when talking about us progressing. She seems really down all the time and just wants to stay at home, doesn't want to go to school or anything. I'm really worried about her and if she doesn't want to progress then I would like to progress with someone else. But I still want to be with her and be there for her when she's going through these rough times. But that might be hard if I was with another girl. And I don't want to just leave her with no one to talk to. I'm going away to school next year and I don't know what's going to happen with her and not having me to be with her. Can you see anything or help me out here? Old Crone? Anyone? Thanks alot! - Testify
Hi Testify Sometimes there are no easy answers. This is one of those times. The first thing is about being true to yourself. When a person gives up on themselves very little will pull them out of the hole they choose to sink into. I know from personal experience. I went through a time where I wanted nothing more than to die. To escape the pain inside and to be free of the emotional addictions inside that tore me apart like nightmares while awake. Depression becomes an addiction and often the addiction is seems far more powerful than the simple choice to heal thyself. We tend to cling to co-dependence and the self destruction this gives when no one can save us from ourselves. This is a choice and commitment that must come from inside our own willingness to be true to ourselves. Back on the farm I grew up on above the milk house door we painted this sign that said, “When what you got is BAD you got nothing……” then we added little things like hay, breakfast, dry wells, stinky barns, and honey wagon with holes. The list got quite long until one day a neighbor asked what the sign was for. Dad replied that when milk is bad you have nothing, and little else to work with to pay the bills. This came about the day my brother left the cover open on the milk tank. The whole thing spoiled. And the sign was a reminder of the choices we make that can affect those around us. We got the message when we often did not eat, or have shoes to wear. I found later on in life that this held true with peoples choices with their lives as well. You have those emotionally, and mentally co-dependent on others. And you have the enablers who assist the one being co-dependent to stay inside the patterns they both create. This has nothing to do with love. You can love them, and be there for them, and you can let them deal with the ramifications of the manipulations, and choices. Or you can say I care enough to walk through hell with you, but refuse to stay with you there if that’s your choices. You can not save someone else or change the choices they make inside them for what ever reasons.. The problems already present, and continually being created between you both are unhealthy, and asking for hard lessons along the way. Should you choose to stay together you will need to make some very drastic choices about what a relationship is, and what heaven, or hell you want to live in. Should you choose to walk apart then do so without bitterness, and hate. Walk with love, and simple truths. Walk with openness, and closure depending on the choices you both make. Every moment is a choice. Each must save and heal themselves before they can seek to be partners with common goals, and interest. Seems you both have come through this time to face each other with what attachments are, and how you want them to rule you. The greater love is to not stand in the way of another persons growth. The path they choose is individual. You are as much the choices you enter into, as you are the ones you make with each other. Without common ground you both are headed toward a hell that will be hard if not impossible to live with. You are no one else’s god, or salvation. Each is their own. You are no one else’s heaven, or hell, we each are our own. So to answer you, you may not be able to help. The greater love may be the letting go. Both of you must Seek your own hearts, and find what you need inside to be true to you. Without this you each are living a lie. and togetherness will take you farther apart than you could imagine. Without a willingness for the one dealing with depression to heal themselves there is little anyone can do. Does this mean you will get together down the road when all is healed, or well. The truth is you only have this moment, without promises, to be whole inside. Togetherness no matter if lovers or friends must come from trust and a respect both inside and out. Here you must be your own truth and healer. You might want to check out the personal forum old crones place and read Waking From Sorrow and Coming into Joy.
