Ok, so I know its a bit strange. But thats ok. I am one of those people who will be single for the rest of their life but that doesnt mean I dont want children. I really do! So i have the options of either sleeping with a random that I pick up (which will be unlikely as I am not like that), a sperm bank or adoption. But being single I am not sure how easy itl be to adopt or get a sperm donation, atleast not until im like over 30. I cant see a problem with raising a child by myself, i understand i will be exhausted all the time and itl be tough, but oh so worth it. i believe that as long as there are strong male role models in the childs life then having a father wont be so traumatic. Im not too sure what I wanted to get out of this post, i guess just to see if there are other single mamas out there who have followed a similar path to what i want to do and what they think of it? Any tips or advice or words of wisdom?
I have one important word of wisdom for you: Wait. Wait at least until your late 20s, early 30s. You might just find a worthy father along the way. And if that doesn't happen, your other options will still remain open and you'll be older, wiser, and likely more established financially -- all of which will make you a better Mom than you would be right now. I was a single father for quite some time. Single parenting is a tough road. Don't be in a hurry to take it on.
I know the feeling. I'm leaving my b/f because he is uninterested in marriage/children. I'm established financially and emotionally. The urge is too much. I've caught myself watching documentaries on everything that involves childbirth and babies.
Are you in a good financial place? Do you consider yourself to be level-headed and on a good emotional plane to raise a child right now? Are you prepared for the alienation you will no doubt experience from your peers who will still be living a life of no responsibility? Do you have a good support system in place? You should ask yourself these questions and more. Bringing a child into the world should not be a spontaneous decision considering you have nothing but time to consider it. there are a lot of young, irresponsible parents out there screwing up a whole new generation of kids. You could be an incredibly mature 22 year old, but I think you should be very sure of that before you have a child.
It is very important for a child to have both parents. There are countless studies of how being raised by a single parent negatively affects a child's sense of self, the world, and their maturing. But you wouldn't be the first parent who cares more about themselves than their (future) child.
I was raised by a single mum. I didn't get clothes without holes or a decent diet until I was in my mid teens. Obviously this isn't what all kids raised by one parent go through, but I'm betting at 22 you don't have a high-earning career which allows enough time to spend with a child set up.
Same. Father was a drunk, died when I was younger. I can definitely attest to how alone and helpless I feel without a male role model to look up to. And to how much hard it's been on my mum, raising me and my sister.
So wait, to you a perfectly viable option is to what, sleep with some guy, get pregnant and then never tell him? That would be fucked up, to say the least, as well as incredibly selfish since you would be depriving a child from their father and vice versa. Also Duck is correct, children are much better off with both parents. Children without fathers are more likely to do poorly in school, go to prison (70% of lifetime inmates are fatherless), etc.
There is a problem with raising a child alone, and it's not for you, it's for the child. You're obviously not ready to do this, and probably too impulsive and selfish to ever do this, if you don't seriously change how you think. (I bet you'd also want child support after telling your poor one night stand you where on the pill, ehh?)
Hi all, thanks for the replies. I guess I didnt make it too clear in the post that, no, I dont want a child right away, as in i want a child next week. You are all right, I need to get myself in a good position, which i guess I am in that I am earning (aparently) much higher than my peers in my current role with options to get promoted which is great, I am healthy with a loving and supportive network of friends who (and this doesnt come from a place of young naievity) i know will stick by me through thick and thin. I agree with a lot of you that growing up rough and not with a father can be tough on a child and the decision to have a child as a single person can be selfish. But, im sorry to say, having a father around isnt always the be the best thing either. I grew up with a way emotional alcoholic father until he left me when i was 10, and was quickly replaced by my stepfather who was an absolute control freak who crushed me until I finally had it and left. I am aware of both sides of the story. The good and bad of all situations. And I am aware of the satistics. But im not too big on statistics. I dont fit in with much of what "statistics" would say about someone my age, gender and socio-economic background. I believe as long as you instill the right values and encourage, love and support your child then things will be fine. I think it depends on who the parents are, what their values are, not soley down to not having a dad. And like I said I fully believe in having male support roles in the childs life. I just know that in the future 5, 6 ,7 years from now I want a child and as I will be single I will be raising that child alone. At least I am prepared for it and I have thought through my decisions and know what I can and cant handle as opposed to just getting knocked up and having it turn my life upside down suddenly
Because there are people who do jobs badly does not mean it's acceptable to not do a job at all. If you have a child, you need to first be in a stable situation that involves all the necessary people. If there is not a SUITABLE, stable father figure, as well as a generally suitable and stable situation, you are not in a position to have a child. End of story. If you think you're "just one of those people" who are going to be alone, you're "just one of those people" who will not have a child. This does not mean you should convince yourself to be in a relationship you don't want to be in so that you can have a kid, that would be disasterous. It just means that your personality and lifestyle is not compatible with having kids. There are lots of psychological reasons that nomatter what you provide, not having a father(not just a figure, but ideally a FATHER, who the kid KNOWS is their father... and don't you fucking dare lie about this, either) will be very damaging to a kid. It sounds like you've got all sorts of your own issues to work out, and this desire of yours is a manifestation of some of those issues. Which is a further reason that you should NOT have a child in this situation or mental state.
I honestly don't see how the fact that bad fathers exist is relevant to this in the slightest; at least not any more relevant than the fact that bad mothers exist as well. And you do understand that the majority of child abuse comes from women right? By your logic, he would have more reason to deprive you of the child than anything else. So what exactly is it you're saying? You seem to think that this child would somehow be MORE 'yours' than the child's own father and so you would be justified in keeping said child away from the father. Don't you see how incredibly jacked up it is to not even give this kid a chance to know both of his/her own parents? What I'm really curious about is how you expect to get pregnant and keep the father out of the kids life. And WHY you seem SO intent on keeping this kid of the his life. Are you really that bigoted? Or is it a question of being that full of yourself? Why not have the child and setup up and equal custody arrangement at the very least??
a better idea would probably be to find a single guy who wants kids and have a child with him, then you can still share responsibilities and the kid can have a father in his/her life.
Nice post.... But I think the custody solution is to not have kids if you can't be in a stable family situation for the duration of their childhood... OP will probably never come back, after reading the harsh truth here...
I read your post about wanting to stay single, and your most recent post here, stating how you don't want a child right now. That's good. You don't seem to be in a healthy mental state right now. I say that because you are not even open to a relationship with a SO, but you want to raise a child? A relationship is a relationship, and you need to be open to adults before you can be ready to be open as a parent.Being a parent IMO is the most selfless act, but I got practice at it by learning how to compromise and work out conflict with my husband before our children came along. I really do hope you open yourself up to the future possiblity of love and THEN have a child within that loving relationship. Unfortunately, it is true that not having a loving parent of both genders really does affect us in even the smallest ways. Does that mean that all children are going to have that...no, but it is the ideal and it's always best to hope for the best, especially a brand new human being with a perfect slate. I know that we don't know your history, etc. and it may sound harsh to say this, but you are sounding very immature and closed off. It's silly at 22 to just sign off on relationships, and IMO just as silly to think you would be a good parent when you obviously have relationship issues.
So what you're saying is.... OP needs a chihuahua, not a kid. A shrink might help too. As you said, being a parent is, or SHOULD be, a selfless thing. But OP just wants a chihuahua.
