OK...so I have been with my husband for 6 years. We dated long distance for 4 years and have been married and living together for two. We met in person when I was studying abroad and started dating then. When I returned to the US we kept our relationship going by IMing, talking on the phone (rarely) and flying back and forth to visit eachother every few months. As friends we are great, we have similar senses of humour and like to do similar things. We can spend hours together and he enjoys sex with me (I am not fully satisfied). However, I am slowly realizing that we are not emotionally compatible. I am great at listening and validating feelings and making people feel important and he doesnt do that for me. If he comes home from work and starts telling me about his day, I listen and respond and take an interest in what he says. If I come home from work or simply have something random to say about anything, it's like I'm talking to a wall. Every once in a while I might get a response but usually he is quiet. Most of the time he wont look at me or even indicate that he is listening (but says he is litening when I question him). In some way shape or form is happens everyday and I often find myself asking "Are you listening?" or simply trailing off. It is an awful feeling. And, I'm not just talking about super emotional stuff here. I could start telling a story about a neighbor and start laughing and....then I feel stupid because I am talking to myself and laughing with myself. Then there are times when I am super stressed and just need somebody to talk to and I dont get a response then either. We come from similar backgrounds so i wouldnt say it is cultural but more of a thing he learned from his family. What drives me crazy about this is that I have seen and heard him talking to his mother and with her he listens, responds and actually seems to be listening to what she says. I have brought all of this up to him and he says that I am trying to change him. He attempted to do better for about a month but now everything is back to the way it was. I feel really bad about all of this because I am starting to think I want out of this relationship. I care about him and dont want to lose him in my life but I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody who makes me feel as though I should just be silent unless I am making a joke (and he doesnt always respond then) or serving food. I feel invisible and as if I am not emotionally supported or equally as important. This has been like this for probably our entire marriage and I have always noticed it but made excuses for it. Now that we are both happy and enjoying life, so to speak, the issue seems bigger than ever because I realize it is who he is. He doesnt see it as an issue. I feel bad that he left his country and family for me. I feel like it would be cruel to change my mind because he has given up so much for me. But then I think about it and I'm like..I have been so emotionally and financially supportive of him for a long time and I dont feel like I am getting much in return. Any ideas....?
To begin with, I don't think any of us in this forum can tell you whether your marriage can be saved or not. Only you and your partner can tell that. What we can do is give you suggestions on how to try and work your issues out with him. Despite what we might say, what he's doing IS an issue. Yes, he might have moved out of his country for you, but one concession doesn't make a relationship. Relationships are all about continuous RECIPROCITY (can't stress this enough). And there has to be dialogue and mutual interest in what each has got to say for them to work. You've adressed this problem with him and he made an effort to change for a month, but that's not enough. More, if he's just making an effort it's almost as if he were not doing anything: what you (rightfully) want is his genuine interest in what you say, not him pretending to be interested out of obligation (especially when only for a month). I think you should tell him that and what you told us at the end of your post: In case he's willing to change and you can afford it, of course, counseling might be a good option. A good counselor will help you defining the issues that you have (yes, because there generally are more than just one issue associated with a problem) and working them out. If it's too expensive, you might look for ways for you to work it out together in specialized books (good ones, not from authors like Paul McKenna and similars) and internet websites. On the other hand, if he'll just dismiss your concerns and will simply not change his ways, than I'm affraid the best option for you would be jumping out of that boat. I'll be repeating myself, but this is all about giving and taking, and if he's not willing to give, than he can't keep on taking indefinitely. I can't really say much more, but I hope I've been of help. I wish you the best of luck!
I certainly hope not. Marriage is a cancer to be cut off and burned with the rest of the hospital waste.
Coffeescent...thanks for your response. It helps to know that somebody else out there is able to recognize that this is a problem too. I will talk to him about it again and stress the idea of working on things together (including counseling if possible) so that our marriage works. Then in the end if I feel like I cant be with him I'll at least know that I put in the effort to try to save things.
I completely agree. Honestly if I was with someone I'd expect that they'd be into what I had to say to them. I don't understand how someone who says they love you can't take the time to listen to you, when it is clearly bothering you. It would bother me as well, for me its very important that my partner listen and understand me. Its probably the most important thing (besides that they can't be boring, I can't really be with someone I feel is boring.)
Think he might miss home? I am now divorced twice, so maybe not the best for advice, but that last sentence says it all to me.
Sophie...and So.done...yeah I hear what you guys are saying. The interesting thing is that we have a lot of fun together. He is great on the friendship level. We have similar interests and senses of humor, for example. He comes to me for advice and we can dialog about things that affect both of us (our families for example), but if I just want to bring up something that has nothing to do with him or our families or is just random like "When I was a kid I used to...." then its hit or miss. Sometimes I get this sinking feeling in my stomach before I say something because I am not sure if I'll get a response and that's such a horrible feeling. I am a talkative person and I do understand that sometimes people who are talkative can be annoying but I'm like come on you married me it must not have been a big deal. In terms of him missing his family, I know he does big time. He is not depressed now although there were points in time when he was and me too. He talks to him mom on the phone like 2 times a week and he is the baby of the family. Meanwhile I am an only child, very independant and self-sufficient. I think we are different in a lot of ways but also very compatible.....in most ways. I have helped him out a lot since he moved to the US and I am used to taking care of myself and others. I have never thrown it in his face but I do sometimes think to myself that after all I have done the past two years to keep us afloat financially, help him get adjusted to the US etc....how hard is it for him to listen to me and care when I am constantly there for him and making him feel better and helping him work through things.
It isn't that hard and to have to ask a person to work at that is like a slap in the face. I think seeing a therapist is a good idea. You two will learn how to build a strong relationship and he may be able to learn how to listen better. Trust me I know how much is sucks when someone doesn't listen to you. I'll say something to anyone in my family and its like I'm not even there sometimes or I'll have to repeat myself 5 times before I even get heard. It is an insult to me and it makes me feel like crap. So I understand why it sucks so much.
Marriage is a commitment that you made "for better or worse" right? You have to work very hard to have a solid marriage. Take time to put yourself in your husband's shoes. He just gets home from work, has to relive the whole day with you again during conversation and then has no time to recover before you proceed to tell him every detail of your day. I understand that you need to talk to him but maybe you are not selecting the best time for him to listen to you. He is right, Do not change him! Make him want to change for you! Try these few steps: Give him 30 minutes to relax before you even start talking to him. Have a family dinner - this is a great place to talk and be heard Make sure to turn off all cell phones, and televisions during dinner. If that doesn't work, tell him that you value his opinion and is there a better time that you could talk to him. Write him a letter telling him about your day-do not stand there and watch him while he reads it. All else fails, call a friend but make sure that you do not spend the whole time talking about how your husband won't listen.
Well, I took the liberty of checking out her other posts, and from them I gather that they have since ended their marriage/relationship. All the best to the OP!
if you really love him stay with him, one thing the fact you say I DO when you marry him you accept/face all the changes that you and your husband going through, all you need to do is to talk about the problem, according to study female has many word to say within the day while male has very rare vocabulary so often times they choose not to talk is not because they are not interested either not listening but they are tried and don't have word to say.
