Meet Or Not To Meet? - That Is The Question!

I am so very sorry that this is so long - I have Aspergers and don't have the ability to summerise......as you can see.

Back in December 2004, I met an older guy on a chatline. In April 2005, I made my first post here about him. We've spoken nearly every night since, apart from a few months (total) when he disappeared from the line, because, I have recently found out - he thought he was bad for me....and we fall asleep together after hours of chatting, nearly every time we talk.

Since then a lot has happened. The main thing was that I learnt to stop asking him questions about himself. He has never told me anything about himself. I know his first name...only confirmed a couple weeks ago, and where he lives...well the town, and that he is single and older than me. That is pretty much it. After all this time, I still get butterflies and a huge grin, when I hear his voice. I still think about him loads, and can't wait to talk to him in the evening. I miss him when he's not there, and I feel safe, protected and happy whenever I am with him. It gets stupid too. A few months ago, he asked me to hold on, and he got out of his bed to get a drink, and I heard him padding bare footed across his floor. Lord only knows why it had me grinning happily for ages after...it still does. Weird!

Because there seemed no hope to ever meet him offline, despite asking repeatedly. I didn't tell him, but I tried getting involved with someone else, but I knew there was no future in that relationship, and 2years later it ended very badly, and I was heartbroken at the time, and angry that I even allowed myself to develop any feelings with the 2nd guy. I even met up with the 2nd guy, and had a wonderful time - but if I'm honest - I was always thinking of the first guy and felt guilty when I was with 2nd guy, wishing I could share the sightseeing with him, rather than discuss my journey with 2nd guy who wasn't interested. In the evenings, as I said goodbye to 2nd guy, I was already dialing the phone number to speak with 1st guy. That makes me a cheat really, and I feel wrong that I told neither party about the other, but there was no point. 2nd guy was never going to work out no matter how much I, at the time, thought I wanted, as he was in another country. And 1st guy was always my primary love, and would have been heartbroken about it and I may have lost him completely.

Then in June I had surgery. It went great in itself, but I was awake and aware throughout, unknown to the surgical team. It was a horrific experience and the trauma of that, put me in such deep shock, I have Amnesia. I came out of hospital not knowing anything or anyone. I also had the mindset and body language of a 5yr old. Before surgery I made meticulous notes everywhere about stuff at home - as I was told the chance of survival was small - and one of the notes was to find 1st guy and talk to him. I remember his voice, and nearly all the conversations we've had, just not where he was -so I was pleased of my instructions. LOL. I called in the line the day after surgery, and just said "Hello - umm - do you remember me?". He said it was like talking with a different person, and yet - he has supported me and helped me grow up again, and has been there for sooo many crisis since that first call in 2004, that I can't fault him. To me he is amazing.

Now - here is the reason for the post. A few weeks ago, I asked again to meet him. He said he'd consider it. We even got down to discussing which hotel I should stay at. The day before I was due to book - he cancelled. He blamed poor weather and work. So we agreed March. Tonight is the date he set to tell me when we should meet. I am sure in my heart that he is going to cancel again. He is not only worried about our age gap, but he is convinced so deeply, that he is ugly. He said it only twice to me, but on both occassions the pain of the statement "I'm ugly" was so deep in his voice, it made me cry and shout aggressively "No! You're not!". Since that statement, I have been looking at men all the time. Before it was "wonder if X looks like you" but after the statement it changed to "If X looked like you - would I have issue with it?". The answer had always been a resounding no.

After the surgery, a lot changed for me, and my whole view on life and people and how I see people has changed. I am now more judgemental, where as before I never saw the outside of people. I have recently seen 3 older men, where when asking myself the question, I have answered yes. One guy granted had a dripping nose, he wasn't bothering to mop, due to cold weather - but it made my stomach churn. lol. But the other 2 were not people I could imagine a relationship with, and thats horrible because its just looks, and I'm no oil painting! And honestly - that realisation, has scared me.

What if I go to meet him and he is (as he puts it) "ugly"? He said, that after so long, it could end things if it doesn't work face to face, and/or change the telephone relationship completely. I cry if I think of my life without him. I am so desperate for a hug from him - to enact for real the romantic parts, to sit and chat, or just watch tv together, or to walk down the road being a normal couple with him, it scares me to think that if his looks are off-putting to me, how it will change things. He knows everything about me - down to how I look (Im convinced he's seen me on youtube) and I know nothing about him. He has never even shown me a photo. I don't even have a vague image of him in my head. In my fantasies he is a faceless body....ok that sounds weird - but when/IF we meet - I have nothing to compare him too. Does that make sense? Bascially all I have to go on is that he said he is ugly.

I don't know what to do. Leave things as they are online. And forever wonder and wish I had something real with him, until one day - he simply vanishes for good. Or take the chance and push him to meet me. I crave the physical side of a relationship so much lately....and I want it from him. What if he is so bad looking, that it ruins what we currently have? I just don't know what to do.

What would you do?

 

isn't this sentence kind of a summary?

 

hmmmm... Jinny, this is very interesting and unusual.

So beyond his insecurity about his looks, there may be other issues, too, that you don't know about.

You have had a 6 year distance relationship. Obviously there is a strong bond there.

I think that one or both of you might want to see a relationship councilor.

Seems to me like this is one for the pro's to handle.

 

p.s., could I buy the movie rights to your story?

 

that's quite the event!

First off, may I ask exactly how old you are (or what age group)?

Secondly, I agree with the above poster - it sounds like you could use some extra advice and guidance from some other people that know you personally.

There is always the concern that he is not who he says he is - and from the sound of it, he hasn't said much - however I would hate to see you get hurt or taken advantage of.

IF you do end up meeting with him PLEASE let at LEAST 3 people know exactly where you will be and check in with them frequently (that way if anything happens and you haven't checked in they will know to take action). Even if you think this is silly - trust me, it needs to be done. I did the same thing when I met my now good friend in person (from online) for the first time.

Secondly, when you meet him for the first time meet him in a neutral area of YOUR choosing. If you are going to his town - do some research.

Thirdly, if you are concerned about his appearance - simply ask for a picture. Of course he may be hesitant to send one, but this will eliminate any "what ifs" and the awkwardness of the possibility that you may not be physically attracted to him and vice versa.

Meeting someone in real life from online is a big deal - especially after such a long internet/phone relationship! So don't treat it like it's a small thing. Take precautions. Be safe. Have him be upfront and honest with you BEFORE you meet - ask him for his last name. Do a background check if that will make you feel better (I strongly advise it and just so you know, anyone can perform a background check at your local courthouse). He doesn't need to know you are doing one.

I hope this works out well for you! Stay safe and protect your heart in the process!

 

oops sorry! I didn't notice your age was already posted. My bad!

 

I think a sure way to know he's for real is to get him on webcam, then to instruct him to do something specific. But other than that, it's a tough situation. It doesn't sound like the cam idea would be easily accomplished with his reluctance to show his face.

I can kind of related to it, though. I've never revealed my face on here myself after 5+ years on being an HF member(after all, I'm Darth Mysterious, an indecisive Sith who can't think in absolutes, lol). I guess the difference is, I have revealed my face to a certain carefully selected few people on here in the past...but privately.

With my current situation(long story!) taken into consideration, I probably wouldn't be qualified to say this. But I think that you might want to keep your options open. I mean, obviously the feelings you have for this guy is genuine. But after 6+ years of long distance relationship, and he's revealed to you only minimal info... He may be a wonderful guy and may have helped you through the rough moments in your life, but if he really believed in this relationship, then he probably would have revealed more information about himself a long time ago. Right now, it hasn't really been a fair deal because, while you don't really know a lot about him, he's learned so much about you including what you look like. And, years later, very little progress has been made on his part in this department. It's something you might want to think about.

Really, other than that, I agree with the other posters before me on this one. Oh, and I'm sorry your situation with the "2nd guy" didn't work out. I think I remember your posts about him, someone from Germany or somewhere, if I remember correctly? Also sorry to hear the surgery has been a traumatic experience for you. But I'm glad it was otherwise successful.

All the best.

 

Thanks for your responses.

I am having therapy. But the therapist when discussing this situation was as useless as a chocolate fireguard in any kind of form.

Yes - 2nd guy was German guy. He always claimed he was an A-hole, but I never saw it and told him I didn't believe it. Then he had cosmetic surgery and changed so dramatically literally overnight, and within 2 days, showed me his real true colours, and 4 weeks later, he broadcast on our anniversary, a new youtube vid, that had his new girlfriend in it. That was how I found out I'd been dumped and he had a new girl. It was harsh and shocking, but I did learn from it, and I think that's important.

It bothers me that 1st guy never reveals anything of himself - and any vague topic of his own life he does tell me is somehow an even bigger gift and honour. I think I'm silly seeing a lot of it with such rose-tinted glasses really. I know reality is a lot different. My views at any given time are probably hormone related too. lol.

Since my post, I asked him again about meeting me. He is as vague, and as avoiding, as ever. I know in my heart of hearts, it is not going to happen. I wish it would, but I can't see it ever will. Last night, he was telling me what shower gel he uses. I knew of it as he'd told me before and I pathetically hunted for it in the supermarket to see what it smelled like. Lol. So I asked him if the blue sparkles in it, caught in his chest hair. He said he couldn't possibly comment, and without a seconds breath I said "send me a photo of your chest". He almost choaked and laughed. I think he was flattered and he really didn't know what to say - so I added "And send me a photo of you" He giggled shyly. It was cute. Then he said "Maybe" I said that meant no, and began to mock beg him - all the time he was laughing... then he said I should send him a picture of my chest, and he'd consider it. Told him as I asked first - he has to go first - and he laughed and then 'hugged me' and told me laughing how special and precious I was to him. In the light of day - I can see this as an avoidance tactic, the sneaky cheeky chappie! lol.

Anyway - point is.... unless things change - next week, I'm going to follow up some of these phone numbers I've been getting from guys recently. I should be thinking of me and my life. At this rate - in 10yrs time, I'll still be begging him to meet me, while lying in the dark, hugging nothing but the telephone.... and I want a real hug from a guy I care about as much as he cares about me, much much much sooner than that! lol.

Thanks for your replies...for the moment - I am level-headed and the hormones are holding steady again!

 

Honey, i am going to be rather blunt here (please take no offense) but 6+ years, and you only know very little about the man?
hell if ive known a man a year or 2 id know everything down to the shoe size LOL.

My point is, you have feelings for him, i understand, and he has helped you so much, and i cant say to what his feelings for you are, but if this was me in ur place i wouldnt be sitting here waiting for it to happen after 6+ years, id have buggered off after a year or maybe sooner then that if he refused to show a picture, maybe i just dont trust to many people but maybe u should wonder why he does not want to show you what he looks like or even tell you what he looks like orrr tell you anything about his life... does this not say something to you?

i dunno sweet, im sure its not what you want to hear but its my thoughts on the topic.

i hope all goes well x

 

If you want my opinion, get your own. I met a girl here on hip and moved out with her, moved 1000 miles away. I'll spare you the details, but it didn't go to well. You can only know online people so well. Once you meet up, you find out who they really are. Whether thats a negative result or a positive one...it was your risk to take in the first place.

 

I'm wondering what he thinks is in this for him. Have you considered that he may be married with a family? I don't see how he could possibly measure up to what you have put on him if you did actually meet. I hope your therapist advises you to move on and get a real life instead of a fairy-tale life. You deserve a real person to comfort you,not a reluctant mystery man.

 

I think that you may want to specifically see a relationship councilor and maybe set up something where he can communicate via phone, or see the councilor face-to-face on another occasion.

I think that therapists typically focus on individual, and aren't really focused on trying to fix relationships

I think it's ok to throw down some ultimatums at this point.