Have you ever been ''stuck'' in a relationship?

This seems to be my biggest problem. I stay unhappy for so long that I start getting extremely depressed and anxious. I forget what it even means to be happy. I try to blame everything else for the way I feel. A chemical imbalance, my job, my band, I'm tired, I havent eaten well, or anything else I can think up.

I change. I stop being social. I stop wanting to travel the world. I stop wanting to be a humanitarian, I stop wanting to go on tour, and I basically start being in survival mode. Cycling in and out of depression. I just forget completely what it's like to feel good. Even as I write this, I am thinking ''maybe I will edit this post later, maybe it's just me''.

I once stayed with a girl that drove me crazy for 4 and a half years. I would pick her up at night and literally puke from anxiety, but something was keeping me there. Then I was single for about 8 months and have never been happier. I remember several times of being like ''Man I love my life! This is really what I needed."

Now I am approaching 2 years with a different girl. I have been anxious and depressed since about 6 months into it.

I know, I am a coward. I am so afraid to face the depths and panic of this breakup, or wherever it might take me. There has to be some kind of underlying issue. Maybe it's causing me not to enjoy my relationship or be well with someone. Maybe it's making me stay with her by some freudian logic. I don't know. I am 25 now, and I am afraid I have pissed away my youth. I am afraid I'm going to wake up one day and I'm gonna be old and fucked up, and there will be no going back.

I know I have so much to offer to the world when I am feeling good. I have never had a problem getting girls (in fact, not to brag, but just for the sake of my point, Girls love me and I've never really been turned down). I think I am a helpful, kind, social, fun, laid back, positive dude, but I just lose it. That version of me is fare gone by now.

I guess I kinda just wanted to vent and see if there's anyone out there like me. If anyone has any advice to offer I will be more than happy to listen, even though I know the change needs to come from within moi.

Thanks for reading.

 

I had that problem with a guy I was with for a year...after 6 months, he lost his mind and I stayed with him for another 6 months before I couldn't take it anymore.

It's not fair to her if you stay with her and are unhappy...remember that...

Sounds like you might need to be single for longer than 8 months...maybe a year or 2 and live your life and see what you're missing in life...then when you are done with that, find someone worth settling down with. I am all for freedom and being single when it comes to self-discovery and I think that is a phase you might be in...

 

Stop wasting both your and her time. For whatever reason many people tend to stay together even though they no longer make each other happy, perhaps for comfort, familiarity, afraid to bring it up, ect.

Just bite the bullet man. You're going to have to face harder decisions in life than this. Life is way too short to spend it being unhappy with someone who doesn't make us happy. You're also wasting her time as well. Do both of you a favour and bring it up to her.

I've had similar experiences with losing the much better parts of myself to years of relationships that went nowhere, and only ended up with me permanently losing some of those better qualities of mine. I tend to avoid relationships now for that reason. Not suggesting you should, just relating.

You're young, go be happy and enjoy yourself. Ultimately we only have ourselves at the end of the day, who wants to be stuck inside a miserable person?

 

I think it's kind of selfish that you lead girls along like that. Maybe you ought to look past your own problems and self-pity and think about the other person in the relationship. I think you probably need to spend a good long time single so that you can find your own happiness, and when someone else comes along, take your time before you end up in the exact same situation all over again.

 

I know it's not fair for her. It makes me sad. Maybe soon I will be the hero in this and break both our hearts for the greater good, but at this time, I'm kinda not there (hence the reason why I'm posting this)

The part about you permanently losing parts of yourself is a little disturbing for me... it it's ok with you, would you care to elaborate on that a little bit?

Kinky, pardon me for going on the defensive a little bit here, but how exactly do you think you know about my own problems and self pity? And how exactly do you know that I havent spoken to her about these issues already? We have had several near break-ups and neither of us have the heart to completely pull the trigger. I am very much aware that I may be wasting her time, but if I did put these issues on the table, at the end of the day I can only be responsible for myself. And I am trying hard to move in the right direction.

 

When I was younger and after high school I was in a few serious relationships. Rather than develop myself as a person I invested myself into whatever girl I was dating at the time. After my last relationship ended I realised that I had invested myself in someone else for years (someone who didn't at all feel for me the way I felt for her), leaving me without a sense of self awareness, what I liked, what I wanted, who I was. I was not at all the really happy, care free, joyous person that I had been previous to the relationship. I felt like I wasted that and wasted that part of my youth, I became very bitter and lost. Even when I'm happy now, in a good mood, etc. it greatly pales in comparison to those qualities I had before, I was a very different person. It could just be that I've grown up, but I've always regretted that those qualities were lost. You can never go home again. One can't just say, "I want to be like I used to be," and poof, it happens.

I can't blame anyone else though. I chose to do what I did. All I'm saying is that negative relationships can be really damaging to a person's spirit. No relationship is worth the loss of one's own good qualities and happiness.

If a relationship is making you anxious and depressed that's a good sign that it's very unhealthy for you to stay in it.

More importantly this is what should be avoided;

Which is usually followed by;

"If only I knew then what I know now."

 

Then end it and stop making excuses.

 

YES.

I know i've done this. and i think that many people have. i know tons of divorced people and people who want divorces who feel the same.

people do this for lots of reasons. but there are tons of books to help you think through it. subjects like codependency, fear of abandonment ... no one wants to be alone.

but yeah i never felt better after i dumped that nasty baggage so i definitely relate to that.

you're definitely not alone, dude. you need to be with someone that is encouraging and lets you be yourself. its not easy to find the right one.

A lot of people in their mid twenties are afraid of getting old. youth doesn't stop at 23. you're as young as you feel. you can still get laid after you're 27. you can still party. what does that even mean? that you're committed to putting someone because you're afraid of getting old? it sounds more like you're afraid to be alone.

i doubt it ......

maybe its something completely different. like if you are 25 you need to be realize that you are already an adult. you could have a full time job and a house and be married with kids. you are worrying a lot about being a free spirit and being in the right state of mind. you probably just need a real job and grow up a little.

 

Thanks alot Peter. I dont really think I agree with the last part however. I actually have a really good, 40 hour a week office job with benefits and all that jazz (FYI I hate that too), I live on my own, and I've been in a relationship for two years. I think this is pretty much as ''adult'' as it gets! (minus the kids).

I do agree with the codependency and fear of abandonment stuff though. I think it really clouds my judgment too. (Do I really WANT to be here, or do I just feel trapped? etc...)

On that note, I thank you, and welcome to the forums!

 

Thanks for sharing Luna - much appreciated.

 

Relationships are always easier to get into than to get out of. At least so it seems.

 

seems very much the opposite to me..

 

Two of the most important things in a relationship (at least to me) is trust and honesty. Be honest with her tell her how you are feeling. If you don't in the end it will just hurt you both. Anyway Good Luck!!

 

I had one relationship that sounds similar to me to what you describe. Nowadays, I think of it as a great school. I have since discovered new ways to relate to people from jump...

In fact, I just thought of the kind of relationship I like this morning. A friendship --- both, independent and emotionally sensitive. There are a few things that I have practiced since the relationship I mention above:

a) I show affection in private; in public I act as friends;

b) I have my own place, things, friends, hobbies, and work; some of which I share with my partners and some of which I keep to myself;

c) I spend days on my own or with other friends;

It's very important to me that this balance between independence and emotional sensitivity start when I first meet someone. That's why I keep my dates short and insist that each of us pay our own fare.

And I am still very much available for emotional commitment.

 

you know if she is the one, you always do

if she isn't, you want to ask yourself if she is worth the best years of your life?

 

i think you are blaming somebody else for your fears that are holding you back from life. you don't want to try and fail.

 

This I agree with. She is aware of what is going on, we are trying to work it out (whether it means fixing or relationship or leaving).

I agree with the fear part, but I am not blaming anyone but myself. There is nothing that she can ''do'' to me. I am the one who chooses to stay. I am ultimately responsible for myself, and I am 100% aware of that. It's all me. You are 100% right about my fears holding me back from life though. And yes, I don't want to deal with the agony of failing - but im working on that!

 

thank you for this thread, guessing that most of us have been in this position at least once in our lives, and sound advice and thoughts here, what's been said here has helped me too, so thank you everyone.

 

The underlying issue shivaya, the fear of separation, is identification with the body, seeing the body as a barrier to joining. Minds join, bodies only touch.