Open Relationships?

Background: Recently cheated on by a bf when we were in a closed relationship. He told me he had kissed a guy, then asked what I thought about open relationships. I honestly didn't know what to say.

It has since turned out that he not only made out with three different guys that night, but also slept with his best friend. He maintains that none of this happened...but admits that he can't seem to handle a closed relationship because he gets "restless", and says that no matter what he did, it's not his fault because he's a gay man, and that means that he needs a lot of sex. HE seems to think that gays can only be in open relationships: at least, this is his experience with older men from neighboring towns back in Montana.

Anywho...been toying around with the whole open relationship thing. I feel ambivalent. On one hand, I thought that I could never be in one b/c I couldn't love someone who wasn't happy with just me. On the other, I feel like it's somehow charming that two people could be having sex with dif. people, but coming together at the end of the day to say that they only want this emotional connection with this one person despite their ability to be with all these other people...idk...weird.

Does this getting "restless", needing multiple partners for sex make someone a whore? I kind of think so...

Why does everyone associate the gay community with open relationships and slutty behavior? (at least everyone on my campus)

It's less honorable for a girl to have an open arrangement according to a book I was reading, and I see the point, and even gay pop media has shown how open relationships suck and aren't real love...what think you on the double standard, on if it's love, and on the concept in general?

 

Hmmm, can see ur a bit sensitive.

Well my wife and I have just begun an open realtionship after 19 yrs marriage, mainly to allow me to explore my bisexuality, so not sure how it will go. We had a 3sum with another biguy for 5 months and she is sticking with him as a bf. She says he is so different from me and not the sort of person that she would normally find attractive but does find him interesting, So she feels that this is safer becos she is afraid of falling in love emotionally with someone if she is really attracted by someone. If you follow this.

For me - in your eyes, sadly - I feel more promiscuous and love the m2m freedom. I enjoy the occasional visit to a sauna and taking part in 3/4 sums, tho my ideal is to find a regular fwb.

For us the important thing is that we love each other and have declared ourselves to be the primary relationship, committed to each other and our kids. Try reading Tristan Taomina's "Opening Up", good food for thought.

Good luck - u r 18 so u can;t have been in this relationship so long, and at your age I think everyone is a bit more promiscuous.

Simon:sunny:

 

Open relationships across the specter are a fact of life.

Your question is really, how do you feel about them?

If you see love as concept that gives you some specific rights akin to the notion of ownership, the open relationships are NOT for you. If I love my BF the same way I love my car, I'd rather stick with the notion of keeping both for myself only.

If you love your BF as a free man whose fulfillment and happiness are your foremost goals, even if these may exclude you, you may be a good candidate for open relationships.

The concept of relatively strict monogamy has been us for some 4,000 years. It was only for the last two thousand years that this concept became a universally desirable state of affairs in compliance with basic teachings of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

But things do change, don't they?

Mandated monogamy assured the husbands that they were not working to maintain other guy's offspring. Equally so, strict monogamy minimized the risk of venereal diseases for the monogamous couple.

The fact that so many gay men insist on uncritically adopting the concept of monogamy has probably more to do with their relentless quest for respectability and acceptance than anything else. (Sadly none of these can be really acquired, if the people around you disagree with your sexual orientation to start with!)

Give it a serious thought and throw your dice... You will be facing the issue of open relationships over and over again in years to come. So, some soul-searching won't do you any harm here

Good Luck,

KD

 

I am from California but go to school in New Jersey, my BF lives in California. We agreed that due to our long distance relationship status to make it an open relationship, cause we're gay and you know how we gays are, far apart we can't satisfy each other's rampant sexual urges. We are very open and honest to each other, we talk on the phone every day and as far as I know I was the first and only to fool around out of the relationship. I was very drunk at a party and met a boy, we ended up sneaking off and making out, I ended up giving him a blow job. The next morning I felt like a cheating slut. I still feel terrible about it. I told my boy all about it and he's ok with it. As far as I know he has still kept true to me.

Even though we're in an "open relationship" I still feel like a sack of shit, I feel like a stupid drunk whore. My man is my man and I dont want any other.

I do have respect for you married men who can come out to your wives and can openly explore your bisexuality, must be a huge load off your chest, especially if it is mutally beneficial between you and your woman and can share the experiance.

 

Good post :sunny:

yes. it is - a huge release

Simon :sunny:

 

open relationships aren't for everyone, either the people in it can't handle it or they're doing it wrong. there are rules that people in open relationships follow, you don't go around hooking up with anyone anytime just like you wouldn't in a closed relationship. if you are really serious about trying it out i would reach out to people who are in successful open relationships and ask them how it works.

"Why does everyone associate the gay community with open relationships and slutty behavior? (at least everyone on my campus)"

not everyone but yeah i think it's just peoples fears and insecurities that something other then their closed relation can actually work. if you dont want them bugging you about it just dont tell people about it, none of their business again.

"Does this getting "restless", needing multiple partners for sex make someone a whore? I kind of think so..."

i dont think so at all, who's to say? and who cares what ppl say, it's non of their business right?. some ppl just have high sex drives or would like to explore something that their current partner doesn't enjoy. if it meant saving a marriage, preventing someone from cheating by all means come together as a couple and let each other explore if you want to save whatever it is you have this person. there are a lot of factors i think that makes open relationships work so well.

"gay pop media has shown how open relationships suck and aren't real love...what think you on the double standard, on if it's love, and on the concept in general?"

ppl are quick to say open relationships don't work because if you're not in one anymore then it didnt work but if the ppl in that relationship got what they needed out of the open relationship and everyone came out of it happy then it did work. also look at the divorce rates, who are these people to say open relationships suck when clearly we suck at being monogamous in general?

 

True love seems to be monogamy. Because it means you want someONE more than you want sex. Which is how I would think it should be. Then again, true love also means letting someone have the option, and then them choosing to be with you and you alone. But even that doesn't mean that you have to be in an open relationship to start out, because then, isn't that what not being in a relationship, and then them choosing someone is about? But, maybe, there is something to be said for being in a relationship, and then opening that door to test it and see.

In the end, I still feel like "having" to be with other people makes you kind of slutty, or weak-willed in the very least. It's just my opinion though. I study the chemical and biological basis for people's actions as my major, and I know that oxytocin and vasopressin levels determine one's want to be monogamous, but I also believe that love is more than biology, and there is so much about love that we can't explain by science.

I know that I'm probably going to have many more experiences involving this subject, and I remain open to suggestions, viewpoints, comments, criticisms and stories. Thanks thus far.

 

No, you know what, I think that this isn't right. Why do people keep saying that gays are these sexaholics who need to fuck every five seconds? Gays are just like anyone else in their levels of neurotransmitters!!! If you need more men, it's a psychological thing, and I don't think it's right. Go ahead and do it, but do it knowing that there are plenty of guys who don't need tons of sex. You can't just shrug it off like that. I want this issue to be explored. It's not about owning people, but it is about them actually loving you. When I feel love, nothing more is necessary. If it's just about sex, then maybe I'd need more, but that means I don't love the person. There's a difference. A qualifier for love is that you not only be content with what you have, but that you revel in it and need nothing more. At least that's my concept of love. Maybe that's what needs to be defined here: what is love?

 

i think this isn't so much about gay guys needing more sex or having stronger sexual urges than straight guys. the basic male sexual drive is more or less in the same range whether you're gay or straight or bi. i think this has a lot more to do with the fact that for gays there really are a lot more opportunities for sex out there, than for straight guys. guys want sex. and if you're a guy wanting other guys sex will happen. it comes naturally. unlike between men and women. my straight friends want women. and the women they go out with/date want men. but those women don't jump to sex easily. there's a LOT of dates, dinners, blah-blah-blah involved, and some women even want a declaration of relationship before they get in bed with a guy. others see having sex as a declaration of a relationship, and that can turn a guy away. he might find a girl who'll let him fuck her but he won't want the rest of the package that comes from there so he has to go out searching for a new girl again. and that can take more time. so it is that when two gay guys hot for each other get together things can relatively quickly resolve in sex. both want it. neither necessarily wants a lasting relationship with the other. and sex is seen as a natural act/expression, which it is. what goes on in the minds of women in regards of sex, and why they act about it the way they do i have no idea. the fact is that sexual dynamics between two men, and between a man and a woman are completely different. and straight guys know that, they know what they have to go through to get laid. they know it can take some time. gay guys however know that all they have to do is find another horny guy out there and sex is guaranteed.

also, it is possible for a guy to love another guy, be in a relationship with him, then meet another guy, have sex with him, and still love and want to be with his partner. it doesn't negate love. you really care and love one guy, but you meet someone and click with him, and it can happen. that doesn't undo what you feel for your partner.

that doesn't mean i am vouching for fucking everybody while in a committed relationship. i understand what your conflict with this issue is. i get some mixed ideas about it myself. when i was younger it was more simple for me, i didn't want any relationships, i didn't even see myself ever settling down with anyone. now, at 27, it's starting to slightly change. now, i can see myself making a life with one guy, if i should find one i want to be with and seeing as i feel sexual attraction and tension towards multiple guys, not one, it does seem to be a bit in conflict with committing to one. i do think though, that if i settled down with a guy, i wouldn't go out looking for sex somewhere else. i do need sex, but i don't need it or even want it with everybody. and if i had a partner i truly loved and cared about and he wanted to be monogamous i wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

I think that some people might just be more biologically (Vasopressin and oxytocin) or psychologically inclined to be monogamous. I do believe in love though, and I feel that "love conquers all" does not fail when it comes to someone's sex drive. When I'm in a relationship, I don't click with anyone else, or if I do, it's in a platonic, friendly way. When in love with someone, I need nobody else. I feel like that's love.

I guess I'm stubborn for not wanting to settle for anything less. But I've faced the effects of it, and I'll continue to face them I'm sure. Oh well.

 

Being in an open relationship would be difficult for me as well. I don't like the idea of thinking that my partner is going to be with another person other than me. This is of course because I may be insecure about myself to ever let that happen. (Its unfortunate) But if you can stomach such a relationship, I would say try it and see how it gos for you. You live one time, explore what you like and what you don't like.

 

We have an open relationship, we have both been fucking others from about 12 months after we married (30 yars ago) it works well for us. I love it when she fucks another guy, so hot to see it and hear her cum.

 

I am totally with you on this! I live in NYC one of the WORST cities to try and find love in, especially if you're gay. Everyone just wants to have 'fun', and never want to get into something serious. My problem with guys is that even though they like you and know that being with you AND ONLY YOU would make them happy they don't wanna miss out on all the other tail that's out there.

I am 21 years old, Puertorican, Dominican, and Chinese mix. When I date people, they tend to really like me and I get excited! Everything is going well and I allow myself to put my guard down, and the next thing you know after two weeks of pure bliss- I never hear from them again. It's weird, it's like they're scared of actually having real feelings for someone because they are not ready to give up their freedom to sleep with whoever they want when they want.

Why should people be scared to be happy?!

Promiscuity is like a large 8 sliced pizza pie! It's super delicious and there's enough to satisfy your craving and then some. Monogamy is like one slice of whole wheat, soy cheese pizza with mixed veggies on top. You know it's better for you and you'll be happy with the end result, but for some reason you rather get fat and pimply and take the big ole pie! It's disgusting how gay men can be such pigs.

-Pedro G.

P.S. Don't do the open relationship bit, just because most gay men are doing it and and their stupidity sounds convincing. Believe it or not there are men out their that aren't over 40 years old that want to be in a faithful relationship and be with that one person they can call their own. Just don't give up on love! It's different to have a threesome one a year for your anniversary to keep things exciting and another to have your partner go about on their way doing things with people you don't even know.

 

this is exactly what it is for me. but it's not because of losing the freedom to sleep with whomever i want. like i said before, i don't think i would have a problem with monogamy if i found the right guy. so that's not the reason behind feeling this way. i don't know why this is, it just is...fear of intimacy or something like that i guess.

 

my opinion is that love doesnt mean the person youre in love with shouldnt sleep with someone else. i guess that my concept of love is more isolated than some other people's, in that i think love is simply of one's perception and that being loved in return is assurance with in turn brings comfort.
if that assurance/comfort is broken, then its self-explanatory that you are not compatible with open-relationships.

 

Both my wife and I are Bi sexual and have an open marriage. My wife loves watching me suck cock and I get off watching her eat a woman's pussy. When it comes to sex my wife is a whore as well as I am. We swap partners all the time on nights she just wants pussy and I just want cock. Watching her fuck other men is a huge turn on for me. Just like she loves seeing me get bred as well. I am a total bottom and she loves to help a cock get lined up for entry into my hungry ass.