I have struggled so far in life to resolve the issues I have with my sexuality. I am attracted to girls sexually but less so emotionally - I view them more as friends I suppose. My attraction to guys came later than most, at about 17, and has caused me worry from the start. I felt cheated at first, cheated out of an easier path and I tried to carry on as before - but something had changed - it needed confronting. So I hid. My problems manifested in other ways socially - I began to withdraw from previously close male friends because I was concerned that they would somehow find out or 'sense' I had homosexual urges. I stayed away from female friends because in my mind a guy who hangs around with girlfriends would be perceived as gay. At this time I enrolled at university - the ideal time, you may think, to explore new opportunities and experiment - however, my long term girlfriend decided to enroll as well. We inevitably split a year later and I was alone, away from home and decidedly deflated. I began traveling home at weekends and at one party smoked some smack - slowly, inexorably I became a heroin addict. A young man, from a middle class (white collar) background, at a good university - and a heroin addict. Surprisingly I managed to scrape through and graduate, albeit with the lowest possible grade. The next ten years were a hazy, amorphous blob of boring jobs, self-doubt, solitude and smack. One sentence for ten years of life. Heroin is an auto-pilot for the brain, a cloying, cosseting and breathy blanket; sucking you to oblivion with cheap promises and thinly veiled malice. There is a cliche often heard around addicts, 'you have to hit rock bottom before giving up'. I didn't feel like I reached rock bottom, I had a house, a job and a flat screen tv.. Only now, looking in from the outside, can I see that I hit the basement emotionally. No sex for yrs, few friends, and the constant nagging self doubt regarding my sexuality. I am now on the other side of it and slowly recovering - trying to rebuild the person I am now. I am thinking about seeking a relationship with a guy or a girl but still don't feel confident enough to 'make the leap'. People say it's never too late to start over - I want to believe that's true.
Pretty obvious you've done a whole lotta thinking, working, worrying and have managed to salvage yourself pretty well. The good thing here is that its your life and your show so you getta make up the rules of how shit works. If you feel comfortable with having a relationship do so. Don't know so much about "making the leap" as an approach...think I'd want it to kind of develop so you have a bit more control of how things happen. You can set yourself up in a healthy way for people to know you're available, interested in having a meaningful connection. Intersting how you summarized ten years of life in one sentence, Yeah drugs, addictions are just that way. Time gone for no gain it seems. Maybe the best thing to do is forget the years, fuck counting. Thats gonna add pressure to "get something accomplished". Can't see any reason for a timetable. Over the years I've planted hundreds of trees on my farm. Some take off and grow right from the start, others just seem to be shocked out and scraggly for years...then start a pattern of healthy development. You may be one of those guys who lives to a ripe old age and continue to grow and develop all along. Could be a helluva interesting ride. Enjoy it. I think you've probably earned some enjoyment and self appreciation. Good Luck.
The more you keep it up, the easier it will be for you to believe you can change. I'm sure the identity crisis must be horrible, I had it bad just quitting Black & Milds, but don't let that dissuade you. People do change all the time, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, sometimes by fate, sometimes by will. I don't have as much to say about the relationship stuff.
Thanks Yarapario, I appreciate your comments. I think you're right about not dwelling on past years. Though it is difficult to not feel time slipping away when it feels like I've wasted so much already. Planting trees and watching them grow sounds nice. and thanks Duck - I had never thought of it as an identity crisis before but I suppose it is in a way - not being willing to accept a part of yourself. (Wasn't sure what Black & Milds were - thought it was drugs slang. Nicotene's a bitch )
The trees have been good for my soul over the years, little one foot twigs that now are 30-40 foot trees. Mark your time in seasons of life not calender years...seems like a more appropriate measurement of life to me. Those years you call wasted were a dormant period when things were happening you could neither see nor understand...that does not negate their value. For whatever reason your particular existence needed that time. Hell cherish it...might as well, you'll feel better about it and in the end it won't change a damn thing.
