Love Interest

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by PLeb, Apr 2, 2011.

  1. PLeb

    PLeb Guest

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    (yo dawgs help me edit this :afro:)
    I’ve always wanted my life to be a story

    a series of five acts, devided into scenes

    I’d open on a happy fool

    sophomoric, and oblivious to the now

    Then, out of the blue, something would happen

    what it is doesn’t matter

    perhaps his mother died, or he got some horrible disease

    he’d learn from his loss, and grow within it

    Then, an angel, daisies in her hair

    he’d go to her, and woo her, perhaps subdue her

    See through her, maybe screw her? and always for-true her

    Together they’d live a life of art and song

    but now i see that perhaps i was wrong

    realizing that i need no exposition

    a difficult admission

    to throw away my ambition

    and this insight has left me in quite the condition

    and my only recourse is to follow my intuition

    with this stark juxtaposition

    I submit an uncouth proposition

    plese pardon my rude supposition

    but you’re the kind of girl men make films about

    I know i barely know you

    And i know men don’t really court women with poems and prose

    But i refuse to let shame and shyness overcome the symphonic life

    For you see, on maps and roads, three hundred miles is as far as the moon

    but in the heart, it’s only “this afternoon”

    So through bad rhymes i express things i could never say

    And though nothing will come of it, it helps me believe now need not be yesterday

    So you may not be my dorothy boyd

    And you won’t be the sally to my harry

    All i know is if i had to cross a desert

    it’s not water, but you, i’d choose to carry
     
  2. OceanWalker

    OceanWalker Member

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    Which part needs editing? ( ;
     
  3. PLeb

    PLeb Guest

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    all of it. this is merely what i wrote down, right away. ultra-rough draft
     
  4. Millicent

    Millicent Guest

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    PLeb, you asked for it LOL. Here's how I would edit it. All I did was delete parts. It's all in your 'order'.

    LOVE INTEREST

    an angel, daisies in her hair
    he’d go to her
    maybe screw her

    on maps and roads,
    three hundred miles is as far as the moon
    but in the heart,
    it’s only “this afternoon”

    if i had to cross a desert
    it’s not water, but you, i’d choose to carry
     

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