Suddenly Confused about Relationship with Older Boyfriend

Sorry for the long story. I guess I just need to work some stuff out and would like people's opinions.

So to start, I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 32. I know that logically that's a really big difference in age. But I'll admit I really like it in a lot of ways. He's more established so he's got money a nice house a cool car; he buys me beautiful clothes, and he knows exactly what he wants.

His confidence is incredibly sexy. I'd never met a man like him except for my father and, well, it does it for me.

The reason I'm conflicted is because he's also a bit controlling, or, well, maybe a lot controlling.

He chooses what I wear, picks and buys all of my clothes. I'm never allowed to wear shorts or pants anymore except in special cases where a dress or skirt wouldn't work.

It's also 4" or higher heels for me all of the time now except when they are just completely impractical like when we are hiking or something like that.

At home he likes me to wear extremely sexy stuff. Very slutty stuff really. Stuff you'd normally wear to a club or sexy costumes. He especially likes me in School Girl stuff. I must have 20 different schoolgirl outfits. Which is fun actually, I enjoy it a lot, but in the back of my head I know it's a little weird.

Before you wonder what the heck is wrong with me, understand that it didn't just start out this way. I'm not crazy.

I know I'm young but I also feel like I'm fairly mature. And I know I'm smart mentally, I'm not a door mat and he doesn't threaten me or anything. I choose to be with him and please him and it's a conscious choice.

I have my own friends still, and he doesn't try to isolate me or anything. But he's definitely had a very large affect on my life. And while I'll admit that I'm loving almost every minute of it. I worry that I'm somehow hurting myself or setting myself up to get hurt badly. I have nightmares where I imagine him leaving me and I start to panic and get short of breath.

But in little bits and pieces he just slowly started to take over my life.

Beyond my fears of losing him, I'm really quite happy with my life.

But now I guess I'm at why I'm here and what I wanted to ask.

Some girlfriends and I were having a girls night out and after quite a few drinks we started talking about sex with our boyfriends and the silly things they ask us to do.

And, well, I started telling them about sex with my boyfriend which is not something I normally do. How I'm almost always dressed up in some way during sex. Stockings and heels are practically required and often I'm fully decked out in the afore mentioned schoolgirl outfits. He's also very dominant and as is probably obvious to you by now I'm submissive during sex.

At first this played itself out pretty normally. He's spank me a bit. He'd sometimes get a little rough but never anything crazy. But it's definitely escalated since then.

It started when I asked him to slap me, at first he didn't want to do it because he was afraid of hurting me. But now he hits me pretty hard and while it hurts I absolutely love it. It's like electricity runs down my spine the moment I feel the pain his smacking my cheek. I love it when he chokes me. I love it when he takes me without warning. I love it when we have rough anal sex and it hurts because I wasn't ready for it yet. It's like I feed off the pain and humiliation of being subservient to his sexual needs.

We've even started inviting other girls into our bed (not friends but people we met online). I was afraid I wouldn't like it at first. But I actually love seeing him enjoy himself with another girl. Seeing him assert himself with a person other than myself.

Anyway, I obviously over shared with them. They've decided that I'm a total freak. And they think my boyfriend is bad for me. They've always kind of felt that way because of his controlling tendencies but this apparently confirmed it for them.

I guess my question is. Am I really crazy? Is my boyfriend really a bad guy?

Is there anyone else here who has a similar lifestyle to mine? Am I going to regret this in the future?

I don't even know how I got here. I mean, I'm really not a crazy person. This all just happened slowly and before I knew it here I was. But at the same time let me be clear, I like my life. I love my boyfriend and despite his controlling me I know he loves me. He takes incredibly good care of me and outside of the things I've mentioned above that some people find disturbing we have a great relationship. We have great conversations, similar interests, etc. My family has also mostly accepted him. Though they noticed the changes in how I dress obviously and weren't totally happy with it at first.

But again am I just completely insane?

OK, wow, that was way longer than I intended. Sorry for the stream of thought. And if you bothered to read through it all. Thanks.

 

It kind of sounds like you're looking for a father figure. You compared him to your dad, you like that he has a nice house and can buy you nice clothes, you play submissive in the bedroom.

But honestly...different strokes for different folks. If you're happy, who cares what other people think? It could become a dangerous situation if you find that you are losing your personality and losing touch with who you are, but if you're truly happy and feel like you can be yourself around him, if you get off on the pain and it doesn't make you feel hurt or humiliated, if he's not trying to isolate you from your friends and family, I don't really see a problem.

Although your friends know you better than anyone. It couldn't hurt to listen to their opinions and consider them. You may find that they're wrong in their opinion and he's not a bad guy for you, or you may discover that there is something emotionally unhealthy about it all.

This may sound weird but I think the biggest problem might be the fact that he dresses you. I'm just all about self expression through clothes. You should be able to wear what you want. Nothing wrong with dressing up in the bedroom and getting a little kinky with costumes, but as far as what you wear on a day to day basis, you should be able to choose your own clothes. He's trying to change your outward appearance now, but what about when he starts trying to change who you are on the inside?

 

well Birsha - it wasa long read! I met my wife when I was 35 and she was 23. We are now 59 & 47.

You don't say if your bf was married or in a long-term relationship be4. I wasn't, just lot of short ones, tho one 6 mth enagagment.

I fell for her but she was in a realtionship and doing ehr exams etc. and so after a couple of weeks we didn't meet again for 4 years, and then married. Being older and having been living as a bachelor I probably tended to be bit dominating at first, but she is her own person.

I had some man2man experiences in those years but majority were girls.

Now your guy is obviously into the school-girl thing, could be fine, could spell problems. I think you need to tell us a bit more about his life be4 you; and if you feel good with the relationship and the new sexual experiences that he is ntroducing you to then so be it. After almost 20 years marriage we are experimenting with three-sums and other partners. Maybe if the swinging lifestyle had been more open 20 years ago we would also have been experimenting sooner.

So, over to you, tell us more about him, 19 is quite young to get taken advantage of, and your gfs obviously think he is taking advantage...........

Simon :sunny:

 

Well, ask yourself this one question...

Do you feel that you are still being yourself? Or do you feel like you're losing the sense of "self"?

The reason why I'm asking you that is because it sounds to me as though he's actually controlling to the point where you have started to lose your sense of self. You're not even complaining too much that he's being controlling. Maybe a little... But your initial post also mentions the joy of being with him. But I can't shake off the feeling that he's still a major control freak and not respecting you as a person. This, I'd like to add, may not even have anything to do with the age difference, if that was one of the things you were thinking about. Just wanted to point that out.

I'd like to think of myself as a very open-minded individual... Hell, sometimes I'm so open-minded some people even think I'm a disturbed individual, lmao. xD Anyway, here's the thing... Even I don't see your relationship being particularly healthy. Your personality seems to have been denied, while he has CREATED the girl of his dreams out of YOU. The REAL you, he may not see as a dream girl. This is one of the things that bother me about your situation. You deserve to be yourself, and you essentially deserve a man who will love you for who you are.

So you say he's a new boyfriend? How long have you two been in this relationship for?

 

All,

Thanks for the replies. And for reading through my novel.

You are right. The father thing does play into it a bit. My dad was a very strong presence in my life growing up. He was definitely in charge in our family and my mom and my sister and I all basically did what we were told. Anyway he died in car accident when I was 13 (it was a drunk driver). His death left a big hole in our family for sure. And like I said my boyfriend does remind me of him because he has a similar forceful personality.

As for dressing me. Yeah, I know it's weird. I really do. But at the same time I do like it. And he does ask my opinion on clothing. But I'll admit I'm at the point now where I kind of like things because I know he'll like them. At the same time I do still buy things that I genuinely like. Or at least I think I do. AHH! This whole thing has me over thinking everything.

And I probably shouldn't have said he's a new boyfriend. It's been a year and a half now that we dated. And I knew him for a year or two before that. But not romantically just as acquaintances. And I've never been in a relationship like this before so it feels new all of time.

So a bit about him. He wasn't married before me but he was engaged once. It wasn't like she left him at the alter but apparently she changed her mind a few months after saying yes. He told me it was a pretty hard time in his life. He'd been in a few other relationships before ours all long term. He's not the date many girls type of guy. His previous relationships were all with people closer to his age though. He's actually kind of shy in a way though I think that might be because of his last relationship ending so badly.

He does watch a lot of porn which is where I think he got the schoolgirl thing from, but I kind of enjoy porn too so I don't think that's a negative really. Oh, and he's a friend of a friend of a friend.

I was even the one that pursued him. The moment I met him I felt a strong attraction though obviously it was just physical at that point. I was in High School at the time and wasn't even 18 yet. When I continued flirting with him despite his not returning the favor he actually sat me down and told me that I wasn't being "appropriate" and asked me to please not do anything like that again. I guess it's weird but that made me want him even more at the time. He would actually avoided me after that and eventually we lost contact.

It was a few years later that we bumped into each other again. He was more "open" to my advances that time obviously.

At first he wasn't very "controlling" but he'd drop hints that he wanted me to do something and I really didn't mind so I started doing those things he wanted. Or he'd buy me an outfit and obviously I'd want to wear it for him. I guess our relationship just progressed from there.

My friends don't like him much because they think he's too old for me. I've always been fairly submissive in relationships though obviously I never had a boyfriend who was quite so dominant either.

I don't know, I really love him. And I love when he's with me. I feel so safe and warm, and making him happy makes me so... happy. Is it really that bad to let him help me be the girl of his dreams? I wasn't even very conflicted about this until my girlfriends had such a strong reaction to what I said and it made me start to worry.

I still feel like I'm me. I'm just a me that knows exactly how to please this awesome guy. Ugh.

Maybe I need some time apart from him for just a bit to think about it more. How would I even ask for something like that without hurting his feelings? I don't want to be like that girl who left him.

 

If you are happy, then I definitely say fuck what people think!

I've gotta side with Alternative, here on being yourself. If you feel good doing these things and you are are comfortable in your own skin, then go for it. But never let another person control your life to the point where you may be or become unhappy.

My fear in situations like this is that he wants you to depend solely on him and not have any freedom and that you may be brainwashed by him. I've had it happen in controlling relationships, where when they did end, I was devastated beyond belief and I couldn't even get outta bed in the morning. But once I realized that he created that creature that relied solely on him and that I had my freedom and life back, I was very happy. I was brainwashed into believing he was the center of my world and I wouldn't even equal up to the greatness that he is.

Go with the flow. You are young, so fortunately, you have a lot of learning to do in your life. Have fun and be careful with all people all the time.

And you say you don't want to be that girl that left him...NEVER EVER THINK THAT! Don't ever compare yourself to another woman in his life...then you are just asking for paranoia and jealousy beyond belief. Think about what makes YOU happy...with or without him...

 

for the most part, it sounds like you two are good for each other. you have to be careful though that things don't get too extreme, and it seems like it could be close to that.

one problem is getting into a position where you can't function on your own without him. if you are dependent, you can't really leave if the relationship starts getting negative

while it's fine for you to be submissive, it's also important for you to be able to stand up to him if you need to to represent your own interests.

the violent/ rough sex sounds fine, but it would be easy for this to get out of control

I think that you could try talking to him, maybe let him know that you are mostly happy with the relationship but that some things are a problem.

 

oh, I would say seeing a therapist would be good, but you have to be careful. many have an agenda. if you said that you let a man dominate you, they might be like "that is soooooooooooo wrong! you need to be hospitalized now! you're the victim of our patriarchal society, and you need to be reprogrammed now so that you can be free!"

still, getting to a place where you don't feel afraid of not being with him would be good

finding a good therapist with an open mind and no other agenda than helping you find what you want for yourself might be the best

 

Finding a therapist that's pro-BDSM is rather difficult.

I'd find yourself some mature sub's that have been lifestyling for a while and talk it over with them, rather than a therapist.

 

Feeling a lot calmer folks. Just needed to talk it out with someone I didn't know so it wasn't too embaressing. I might try to find some other submissive women to talk this stuff over with. I think that would be nice. But I'm not freaking out anymore at least.

Thanks everyone.

 

I dunno, as far as the sexual eccentricities go - whatever you're willing to put up with is fine, whatever you aren't isn't.

I'm just kind've curious about the rest of the relationship.

Is he controlling in other ways than what you wear?
Are you independent financially? Do you have a job?
How long have the nightmares been going on?
Have you ever had separation anxiety in other relationships? (Even family ones)
Hard one: have you any idea what causes these fears?

 

Haha, lots of questions Duck.

I guess he is a bit controlling in other areas. But as I said it's never in ways I really mind. I do have my own bank account and I do have a job. And as I said he doesn't try to isolate me from friends or family.

But when we are together we kind of play what you could call a game I guess.

He'll call me girl and order me around sometimes. It's something he just did once as a joke. I'd accidentally dropped something on the floor and he looked at me with mock anger and said, "Girl pick that up right now!" I got down immediately and said yes sir and did it. I loved the look on his face when I actually immediately did what he said and so we kind of joke around that way. It's fun that it often leads to sex as well.

But he's not mean about it. And he doesn't do it in public or around other people obviously.

And he does a lot things for me too. We share housekeeping duties. For instance he usually makes dinner and often has the house vacuumed and straightened up before I get home (he works from home so I'm the one that's out every day).

I've always kind of had separation anxiety. But they aren't really nightmares. More like awful day dreams. You know how when you're a kid and you try to imagine what life would be like if you parents suddenly die? Well not only did I imagine that but one day it became true with my dad. I mean that's bound to screw with someone. I try not to think about that kind of thing too much because it does freak me out.

 

Yeah, my father died when I was young and I have some seperation issues as well (though I think they came before he died, that sure didn't help)

This sort of was the key question in my mind. I think usually if you can imagine (happy) life without your partner, it's not much of a relationship.

So in that sense, it's more of what's causing the anxiety and the severity of the anxiety that you should focus on.

It's not very uncommon for sexual sub/dom relationships to leak a bit out into the real world.

Is he controlling in any ways that have made you uncomfortable, now or at any point in time?
Is he manipulative?
Does he always get his way, or is there give and take in the relationship?

 

First od all, you're welcome.

After reading what you had to say in this post and the ones afterward, I think I'm starting to feel a little less alarmed by your situation. I don't think he necessarily sounds like a bad man. Your friends might as well stay out of this if they are going to say he's not good for you only based on the age difference. I tend to draw younger girls myself(and vice versa) so I know how unimportant the age concept can be in a relationship of any type.

I've never really been a physically "aggressive" type in sexual situations though, so I must admit I have a hard time relating to your boyfriend's desire to slap you in bed. Well, I believe I read it was your idea at first... But I personally would like neither of you to be hurt, physical or emotional. I think that the most important thing here is, like always, that you and your boyfriend COMMUNICATE THOROUGHLY and make sure that both of you understand the each other's needs, AS WELL AS your OWN needs. I say be patient, look deep within yourself, within your partner, and take a step forward into developing the kind of connection that is more spiritual/psychical. Avoid rushing, though. If you two really love each other, then take your time.

Be honest with him about what you've been feeling and the concerns you're experiencing in your relationship, and encourage him to be honest with you as well. Upon reading all of your posts, I now DO get the impression that you two really love each other. So if my previous post ever sounded like I was questioning your relationship as a whole, allow me to elaborate that, I think you guys may have a good thing going on PROVIDED THAT you two work out some aspects of your relationship(and I'm thinkin', as always, it has to do with not enough communicating on both parts...). But in the meantime, I wish you two a happy and loving relationship!

 

It sounds like your boyfriend and you are two people who genuinely care for each other, and that's fundamental. What I understand is you're happy in the relationship, but scared he's unhappy and might leave you despite the fact you give so much (and are happy to give it). We can't control other people's feelings. Don't try to convince yourself to dislike him when you don't.

I'm a far cry from your situation; my boyfriend is 11 months younger and I'm naturally a D, but I understand everyone is different. I doubt your psyche can be permanently fractured if you're as aware as you seem of what you're feeling. Of course age makes a difference. Generational shifts can make it a little harder to relate, but it's nothing you can't work through.

The tricky thing about most men is they usually don't want to have lengthy discussions about feelings. Ask how he feels about the relationship and where he sees it going. Ask open-ended questions and try not to get emotional if you don't like the answers. Keep the conversation under ten minutes and end it with a, "Thank you for sharing your opinion. I was thinking about this a lot lately."

Everyone else has given good advice in this thread. I don't think you're deviants and I don't think you need counseling for the relationship. Let us know how it goes.

 

I think it also depends on a guy. Some actually prefer to spend hours talking about their feelings.

 

That's why I said "most men." If you poll a group of regular Joes, they don't want to discuss their feelings for hours. Doesn't make them good or bad, but it's because of how we raise men.

I also recommend the conversation be kept short and sweet because no one wants to scare a partner by red-flagging something in the relationship by overfocusing. Address it, and move on.

 

Gotcha. And I think you're right, the OP's boyfriend very well may fall under such group of men considering the way she described him. Starting light and simple is generally a good idea for anything in life, anyway.

 

Kinky is awesome. I'm not so sure your relationship is awesome, though.

I would tend to say your friends are right about him. If you like wearing heels and skirts while having anal with strangling old men, well, more power to you. But this obviously goes far beyond the bedroom, and is obviously NOT healthy.

That's just my opinion, though.

On the other hand, probability dictates that you're just a persona.

 

Thanks for letting us know more about you both and your relationship Birsha - I feel that it sounds good to me and you should enjoy it. You knew him obviously since around 16 and that obviously makes it a bit different.

Emotionally you may change a bit in the next few years but, life is short and if you have a wonderful relationship that you enjoy and get lots out of then go for it.

Good luck,

Simon :sunny: