(What I did here was an attempt at free writing. I simply wrote whatever came to mind, until i didn't feel like writing anymore. Hope you enjoy.. but honestly i really couldn't care less) Don’t call, find The wind is breathing on my fingertips through the crack in the door Im writing I’m writing Tap tap tap Ascend, no pull back don’t let yourself have that I’m awake but asleep I wonder what will come of this, this freewriting Why am I doing this, where are my friends, where are my drugs, what the fuck I can’t breathe, no that’s the pillow, wall to wall, ceiling to floor, my life is but a bore I love you, what’s your name Bring me your hands, I’ll clean I want to touch your hair underwater in a cavern by the lake I want I want I want, It’s late too late Up the stairs, no there’s only one floor I hear voices through the walls I see flakes of gold in the water I wonder if god likes the taste of sugar Sometimes when I’m alone I think of Everything I say I too much I wonder if memories are prettier than the first time What do bombs feel like? Rum
I was going to offer input but then I saw your "I couldn't care less" So I'm not sure if I should bother.
No,go ahead if you'd like. I appreciate constructive criticism. I just thought that was the point of Free writing, uninhibiting yourself, not letting care get in the way ( :
I'd take this free writing and do something with it, because as this stands its not really doing much, other than being an ensemble of words.
Don't worry about pleasing other people. You take too much advice from others and your style changes completely. Especially from him because he is really critical. Or 'honest' as he put it before.
I like Ramb(as a writer/ I don't know him), he writes good poetry. My style won't change just because of advice. It's nice to get input of any kind on my stuff. He's one of the only people who posts on my threads, so that might say something about my quality of work, or maybe the people of Hipforums like more conventional (poetry-poetry).
well I certainly do not want to hold back and I really think that if you leave honest thoughts and feed back the author would appricate that more than "good job". I think it's important to write with an audience in mind, pleasing the reader. Don't you want to share something that is a good read ? I do. Don't change your style because we all have a style that is potentially enjoyable to read and to think to. These are my thoughts. To each their own. --- @Ocean I like the foundation you have laid here, many ideas and themes to play with. I suggested maybe tying them together. Or not because it is what it is. After all this was an exercise so maybe I'm looking to deep here.
@ neodude1212 I challenge you to give your input, because I think that you only posted on my thread in order to express your feelings about my having said "I couldn't care less". Please offer your input if you had any. I have a feeling your post will be a variety of variations of the phrase 'Fuck You' or maybe not either way post something If you don't like it, say something about how you didn't like it, not about how you felt about the heading. Thanks for reading, Ocean
@ OptimisticFutureBlues, What do you think of what I have written here? [by the way I love the black keys, they seem to fit into the genre of music you're describing with your screen name, among others (less optimitic)] I appreciate your looking out for me, or the little people, or people in general ( or whatever ). You seem like a considerate person, but you've only posted your feelings toward "rambleON" here, and nothing too valuable to me. If you love it, hate it, or feel something grey and in between toward it please share Hipforums is really beginning to bore me, or I'm beginning to bore it. Either way . . . . . . . . .
So I have this fetish of going through people's poems and deleting most of them in order to create a poem that has only the best (IMO) parts in it. I do it to myself all the time -- I have edited page long poems into few lines AND IT WORKS WONDERS. Especially I've done that with very similar free writing pieces such as this yours here. Perhaps try doing it and see what happens? Something completely different might happen -- new meanings, new entire direction. This would be my take on your write. To give you an idea. ((and yes to unleash my obsession once again mwahahaha)) The wind is breathing on my fingertips through the crack in the door where are my drugs, what the fuck I love you I want to touch your hair I want I want I want I hear voices I see flakes of gold I wonder if god likes the taste of sugar I wonder if memories are What bombs feel like?
I generally don't respond well to antagonistic challenges, but if you must know, I suffer from waves of apathy that only momentarily lift from time to time, most notably when I've intoxicated myself, such as was the case when I first stumbled upon your poem. I had formulated several thoughts about it and analyzed it fully and thoroughly, but upon seeing your header decided to keep reserve my opinions. So, while I still haven't provided what you so boldly requested of me, I felt that I needed to at least clear my name, as your assertion that I merely wanted to belittle you is a mar upon my honor. Judging from your "free-form" spirit and unstructured style, I have a presentiment that you won't respond well to this type of pedantic over-analysis. This same presentiment became apparent to me when I had first constructed a critique. I simply doubt that you'll find my criticisms of any merit. I myself partly believe that my criticisms of your poem may not be entirely applicable. Maybe next time! After some red wine! Ciao!
@ neodude1212 Thanks man, I appreciate you getting back to me, honestly ( : Oh, and I was thoroughly intoxicated when I responded to your original post. I suppose you could say that we have that in common. My style isn't always free form, but my better more thought out poems even come out quickly and rapidly, perhaps hastily but if I hadn't made haste I may not have made anything. Thanks for your honesty, and this poem may not even be worth responding to-- I mean I wrote it in a matter of 10-30 seconds, but I wanted to do it
