Please help me understand this problem!!!

Dear friends, I am in deep trouble because I have no one I could say this to. I arrived in the US about three years ago. On our arrival, a family of our same nationality helped us settle down. I and my husband were really thankful to them that we helped them in return in different ways: I watched the kids while their mother had to run errands. I felt a big obligation towards them. In the mean time, I felt that my husband and this lady were developping some kind of romance towards each other. (I was confined in the house since I hadn't got my driver's license nor had we bought a car yet...) Though they helped us out, the lady showed me her frustration in having to help us, but always showed a nice face to my husband. We constantly ran into them, later because we had begun to help them. (By then we were very much settled). I always pretended not to notice their interest in each other. But soon I started complaining about it to my husband. The more I said something, the more he praised the woman. By now we have become a little distanced with this family due to my efforts, yet my husband very much looks forwards to seeing her everytime we have a community gatherring. I started showing my dislike in their closeness (romantic smiles, talking closely to each other/ agreeing while not paying any attention to me...) This woman has a strategic way about getting round my husband even after we have had a dispute between the families. My husband talks ill of me (complains too much about my housework even over very small reasons and I get thoughts such as, do they chat over the telephone or internet secretly...) Later I reacted to their romantic interludes in my own subtle ways that they limited their talks in front of me. Yet, recently at a gatherring, I saw that my husband was stealing into an area of the building where she was and having a conversation with her while I was busy watching my kids playing outdoors. I really don't know if I am unfair in judging them as romantically involved. Yet I really feel sometimes that they may be having a secret affair. What do you think about them, from what I have been explaining? I am really worried and helpless and now, unable to get over it. Please help me understand what I must do. (The woman's husband doesn't seem to notice any wrong about them...)

 

my position has become 'if i'm going to lose someone's love, then i'm going to lose it. therefore, i'm going to get on with that happening, and confront them. with 'what is going on here?'.'. if i have certain evidence, i'm not even going to confront, i'm going to withdraw my feelings and any support, physical or emotional.

i'd rather have the truth out, or know they lie. if they lie, i'm going then to protect myself in every way i can. i detest a liar, and a liar cannot be trusted in any matter. i would at least have some trust in someone who told me 'i'm having an affair'.

so...there are three ways to clearly proceed, and many variations and degrees of them...

1. ignore all of their actions as if they are doing nothing you care about. take care of your own business, and do not pay attention to theirs.

2. confront husband, and see if he tells you something that sits like it is the truth.

3. have an emotional fit and accuse him of having an affair.

i think #3 never has a good outcome. the other two paths may or may not. after all, if an affair is going on, then it is what it is. what will be the result in that case will be more 'how you handle your own reactions' than anything they do. it's not 'about you' in any case; it's more 'about them'.

my presumption after too much experience is...no relationship is permanent. at the very least, someone will die. i therefore act accordingly....do not invest more than you are prepared to lose in anything, least of all people.

 

Who is your love for?

 

Thank you for your reply reb. I am reading your post from time to time. Looks like I do see some things I was unable to see before...

 

you're very welcome, hs. these things are difficult and can be horrible painful. takes a long time to get one's mind 'right' to deal with them. i wish you the best.

a wise counselor once told me 'pay for performance, not promises', and 'don't ask questions which lead to answers you cannot deal with'. i pass this on to you for what it's worth.