Passive friends if you're an active person.

Anyone else feel like they make all the effort when it comes to hanging out with friends, setting things up, initiating meetings and what not?

I didn't really think about it until a couple years back, but all my passive friends are starting to really piss me off. Do they really think it's fair to expect to me to always hit them up? It's not even CLOSE to 50% and I wonder if those **angry bad word** even think they need to own up to half the effort.

I do feel like I'm being taken for granted, having an "active" personality, and I wonder if I just have shitty friends (some) or if others experience the same, and how they deal with this/what their experiences are.

*I'm not really that mad about it, but ya... I'm noticing this trend... and I personally don't like it. :smash:

 

Why do you feel like you are being taken advantage of?

It's your choice to call them

This just doesn't make any sense to me.

It would be fair to mention that I am often one of these passive friends. (But I am a semi-active person, just not an active-friend)

 

Yes. I have cut off contact with everyone who won't initiate to the same extent that I do. I initiate, and then let it go. If there's initiation back, the relationship continues, if not, I'm happy to let it go.

There is another way in which the "active/passive" thing figures for me, and that is that I like physical activities. And I am now also beginning to streamline my efforts into relationships with people who like the same things. And, again, happy to let go of people whose idea of fun is to sit and consumme things.

Works well for everyone, they can relate to their kind of peps and I can relate to mine. It's been a slow transition from my bohemian days, but now I begin to feel the birthpangs of actually fulfilling friendships. I just had to find myself first.

I can even go to bed early without feeling like I'm "missing the party."

 

That's what I thought this thread was going to be about, and it's a real problem I have with one of my friends.

He just doesn't understand how passive he is. He always makes the argument, "but we just hang out at your house", and can't understand that there's a difference between actively hanging out (conversing, doing things together); and watching TV shows that you don't even like with him.

I'm not even that active, but I can't stand boredom, it's like torture to me.

But he's been a friend a long time and he's done a lot for me, and is usually a real good friend.

 

I think I have a couple friends that think like you, and it's really selfish and oblivious to those around them.

----

Cherea,

you're spot on. It's good you found friends with similar interests too. As for me, at this point at least, I'm fine with sharing interests but damn someone who thinks initiating something or giving me a call 10-20% = I should be their friend.... I really want to say fuck them at this point.

I'll let this thread roll for a while... feel welcome to disagree, I suppose...

 

You still haven't given me a reason why.

I'm not asking these questions rhetorically because I disagree; I'm a socially-awkward misfit that doesn't see the point of making being my friend an obligation to my friends.

If I want to hang out with you, I'll call you. If you want to hang out with me, you'll call me. Does it really have to be more complicated than that?

 

lol there's reasons all over the first post man. Go read it again. A mutual friend should not have to reach out to you 8 times out of 10. Even if you accept when he/she does, that is bullshit. If you really appreciate them as a good friend, reach out out to them once in a while. Even if you think they are a social butterfly and don't care, trust me, they do, and they'll appreciate it.

 

Yes this sort of thing has happened to me. I had a friend I would see every other weekend. We'd party and drink and I had known her since grade 7. We did mushrooms together, would talk all night. Really close. But I was always the one to call her to hangout, she would go to a mutual friends party without saying hey want to come along even tho I introduced her. She'd ditch our plans alot. But it wouldn't make sense to me because when we did hangout we'd have such a great time. Anyways one night she organized this little hotel party thing with afew of our friends but didn't invite me. So when I confronted her about it and asked why I didn't get the invitation she nudged me off. As did the friends. So I went out and made a bunch of really great friends in my art class. We hangout and respect one another and don't pull that sneaky caniving shit behind each others backs.

Now I see her on campus and we don't even acknowledge each other.

 

Why not?

Now we may be getting somewhere. It makes you feel unappreciated?

I mean, you are totally ignoring all other variables but "they should contact me as much as I contact them"; they could have busier lives, they could have a personality type that isn't as outgoing, they could just not be comfortable contacting people under normal circumstances.

Personally, I think that requiring as much attention to you, as you give to them marks the sign of you being a possessive friend.

My one friend (the same mentioned earlier) gets in funks sometimes, and during these funks he gets really clingy, and will contact me multiple times a week, and want to hang out for a day every week. During these times, I grow to resent him real bad, and feel like I am one of his toys. (I have never had the balls to vocalize this to him.)

 

I think it's circumstantial. That's the case with your clingy friend but it doesn't mean it has to be with her. Generally when you're the one to always contact someone and make the plans it doesn't feel too great.

 

Hi Kokujin, I understand what you’re expressing; I also don't think anyone cares for this inconsideration from others. In relation to your topic; I have had similar experiences with long time caring friends as well as relatives. I do my best to be as honest and forth coming about my perspective with them all; I feel better once my feelings are off my chest and the ball is in their court. I’ve noticed then some make an effort to keep mutual contact and others have continued failure rates. Either way; People are people, circumstances are circumstances and I stay focused on the good times with the great people I am able to keep contact with. Peace*

 

Do you have fun when you hang out with them?

If not, get new friends is my advice.

 

I read your post with some interest until I realized that as a gay man faggot I could probably offer little to your discussion...after all I would be equated with your shitty friends. Perhaps you are well justified to be angry, I wonder why you feel a need to slur me. In truth I get real fuckin' sick of people like you who toss out slurs as if they had no consequence to other people. Perhaps I should be a big boy and get over it...but I'm not over it. I'm sick of it. What other group of people would you care to denigrate? Black? Jewish? It's bullshit and perhaps says more about you than any of your other words of woe for yourself.

 

Sorry forget the slurr. Offer advice if you have some. I'll edit it out later too.
I am reading the responses. Duck...., oh duck, duck .

Peace out guys. Btw I am not a girl! But it's funny you all think so.

 

As a super moderator in Hip forums my advice is to edit it out now or I'll do some editing!

 

I like to think my oddity is a part of my charm :mickey:

I think it's the avatar.

 

i rarely initiate with friends. i don't like spending a lot of time with other people, and i'm always invited somewhere long before i have any actual desire to do anything social.

i think it's really fucking selfish that everyone always expects me to want to hang out with them every damn day, as though i don't have a life outside of my friends.

 

Exactly, I don't understand how someone can call you their friend; but then not respect your lifestyle. That isn't a very friendly way to treat someone.

 

I think a lot of people don't really understand an individual who doesn't feel the need to reach out the way the majority of people do.

They may think that that person is simply shy, or an introvert, etc.

I think a lot of people don't understand that some actually choose to live a solitary lifestyle and are comfortable with it.

 

me I go back and forth. sometimes there are times where I try to hangout with a friend almost everyday. and then sometimes there I time I only feel like hanging out with a friend once a week. and even sometimes only 3 times a month.

I am very inconsistent.

sometimes I like to plan ahead and call people and set up a day to chill. and sometimes I just call a bunch of people up randomly and see who wants to chill.

I almost never turn down hiking if anyone wants to hike. and if I have energy I never turn down playing sports. but to just sit down and socialize I have to be in the mood for it otherwise I like doing my own thing or having some sort of activity to focus on. I do like to have conversations but it is very random when I am in a super talkative mood and when I am not.