Hey everyone. I know people probably don't want to hear my complain or hear me out, but I my mental state is lower than it has ever been in my life and I just don't know what to do anymore. Granted everyone has issues, I know that, but I feel as though I am trapped in my own fear of life. I am 19 years old, a college freshman and summer is fast approaching. Here's the thing, a lot of people love the summer because they don't really have any responsibility at 19 still. A lot of people may be sharing rent, or living with their parents while working a low job (like me), and others are just taking more college classes. Yet, they have grown up. I don't feel like I've grown up. I feel trapped and ignorant and innocent. Getting a job was terrifying. I have social anxiety, I'm paranoid, and I have avoidant personality disorder, which basically means I am afraid to leave the house and communicate with people. Having this job was okay. I worked there for two years and made some decent money, but I was often picked on for being seventeen with no friends, unable to stick up for myself, and naturally never having a girlfriend let alone getting laid. I weighed 180 lbs, and I was on Paxil because my parents were afraid of my anger issues when I was home. I don't know how to control my anger in front of people, so my parents were getting a little worried when I threw down my basketball hoop, kicked the table down, and ran away for five hours. These things still happen occasionally, but I'm on a different medicine now so I'm calmer. Well I looked in the mirror one day and I saw myself this fat and out of shape. It's no wonder that I was easy to pick on, especially because I was so insecure. So I dropped the Paxil, which was a terrible decision. I went into the worst depressed state I've ever been in, and I'm always depressed. I have clinical depression so I know how it is. Well I was on the point of suicide until I started smoking pot. That was two years ago, and to this day I still smoke marijuana because it keeps me in check. After a failed and downright depressing prom date and a summer later, I went to college. I was determined to start new and make a name for myself. Lo and behold that never happened. School is out in less than three weeks, I've still never found a meaningful relationship (partially because I'm afraid to talk to women and expose my personality) and I don't really have friends. So I mostly just sit around and get high all day. The thing is that I'm now 140 lbs, I get hit on occasionally, I've been to some night clubs with some girls and ended up kissing all three of them, but I still feel unfilled inside. I asked one of them out and told her I liked her, and she said no of course. So now I see her every day in class and it just kills me even more. I now think that everyone is just naturally shallow, myself included because I expect nothing but the best. Obviously nobody liked me when I was overweight, but I'm tolerable when I'm 140. To this day I am still afraid to leave my room unless it's going to class. I am afraid to look at people in the eye, I am afraid to talk, I am afraid of everything. I also have terrible OCD, which means I'm afraid that if I don't do something right (completely unrelated, like if I don't go outside right now I'll die alone forever or get cancer or something stupid). I live in a world of fear. What's even more troubling though, is that it's gotten worse. I don't have any motivation to take care of myself. I don't shave, my hair is always messy, and I mostly sleep all the time. It's amazing I still take showers and show up to class. I refuse to drink alcohol because I know it'll make it worse. I'm still always suicidal as well but I'm afraid of the pain it'll bring when I kill myself. But while I'm always sad, I just feel emotionless and dull. My grandma died recently and I didn't really think about it that much. I was never really sad which is terrible. I mean I saw my grandpa cry is eyes out and I just stood there emotionless and unmotivated. I feel like an asshole because of it. Every day I feel it is more difficult to get out of bed. I just lay there and think or listen to music, and just not ready to grab a hold of the new day. If anyone can relate to what I'm going through, this is just the tip of the iceberg, I'd like to hear what you've done and what helps. I'm at a loss. I've tried drugs, I've tried psychiatrists, but nothing seems to work. I just don't know.
I've heard of some great success with cognitive behavioral therapy. Because it is empowering to learn the skills that you need to pull out of this rut and then do it yourself. See if they have a group somewhere near you. Good luck.
Hi, how are you? Growing up is overrated. Though you may not find this particularly helpful, you think of it this way, you have all the time in the world to worry about grown up shit later. Maybe you just need to break out of your shell. Try to meet new people you can have great experiences with. Anxiety is caused by the misapprehension of what is so. You may be afraid that people won't like you because you're not smart enough, not funny enough, you look a certain way, ect. but that is not so. Not everyone thinks like you, and not everyone is as critical as you might think. People are far more critical of themselves than they are of other people. You simply need a bit of confidence. It may sound a bit arrogant at first, but try to think of reasons why people would like you. The more you think about and confirm your fears, the more real they'll become. But your fears are the result of you lying to yourself about what is actually so. No one is out to get you, no one is going to make it their objective to give you a hard time or be critical of you. And if they do, they're an asshole, so fuck them. Sounds like almost every other 17 year old I've ever known. Nothing unusual there. As for the sticking up for yourself. One needn't be right when it comes to defending themselves, they just need to be able to let shit slide. Next time something bothers you, just say, "fuck it," until it doesn't bother you anymore. You could also learn some taekwondo or some form of physical self defense. It would be good for you physically, good for your self confidence, and it would help get you out in a social setting. A lot of young people are very angry, it's just part of growing up. I smashed shit too when I was that age. Unless there's some sort of phychological reason for your behaviour (child abuse, abusive parents, etc.) then I'd say you'll more than likely grow out of it. Try to exercise more, it'll do wonders for your self esteem. If cannabis works for you, that's good. It's a good way to medicate yourself, rather than turn to booze or all sorts of shitty pills and what not. Look, you know why you've not made any relationships. So you automatically know how to fix that. Some of the best advice I've ever been given was when I moved to another town. My mother told me, "All the best things in life come when you step outside of your comfort zone." You don't make friends sitting around doing nothing, no one is going to come knocking on your door. Don't be afraid to expose yourself to new people, that's the only single way you're going to ever meet new people and make new relationships. If you lack confidence, just fake it at first, pretty soon you'll have some real confidence once you see that it's working and that you're starting to meet new people. That's the only way. Also, people like weed. Maybe offer to smoke with some people once you meet them. That's a good way to make friends. There you go, you lost some weight and started getting a little more confidence. Going to night clubs can be a good step, but they may not be the best place to meet decent people you'd like to get to know. They're more of a 'get drunk and dance the night away' kind of place. A lot of chicks don't want to be tied down while they're in college, neither do guys. Just try to get laid, don't try to date them. You'd be surprised by how many chicks are willing to fuck without wanting a relationship. You can do that shit when you're older. Fuck it, she's just a girl man. I doubt that no one liked you when you were overweight. The problem was more likely that you didn't like you. How can you expect someone else to like you when you don't even like yourself? You have to give people a reason to like you most times. Sounds kind of stupid, but that's just the way it is. Just relax. You're telling yourself that the world is scary and out to get you, that is not the case. You're in control of your world, no one else. Seriously. Only because you tell yourself that you do. You're confirming your own fears but they are not based on any fact whatsoever. Essentially you're lying to yourself that the world is big and scary, yet you have no evidence of this. Just lies you've told yourself. Because you don't have any confidence. Just fake confidence, people will notice and they'll like it, then you'll slowly start to get some real confidence. Also, start doing some physical activity to keep in shape. Physical activity causes our endorphins to release and gives us a shot of natural chemical feel good. It'll be good for you. That's very smart of you. Every one deals with death differently. I wasn't very sad when my grandma died either. I actually felt some relief after my dad died (because he was no longer in pain). That doesn't make me a bad person, that's just how I saw it. You're biggest problems are that you're young, you lack confidence, and you're your own worst enemy. You will grow out of most of this. As for confidence, get physically active, fake confidence until you start to get some, talk to people, if they don't respond in a nice way, then fuck them, they're probably shitty anyways. Just get out and talk to people, get physically active, put yourself out there and get out of your comfort zone. And quit lying to yourself about the big bad world. It's not a scary place, you've talked yourself into thinking that it is. Get out of bed, shave, shower, dress in nice clothes, smile at people, if they don't smile back, it doesn't matter. Smiling can actually make us feel good. Go to school, talk to people, ask if they want to smoke some weed. Ask what they like to do. Is there a gym at your school? If so, you should use it. You'll probably meet people there too.
APD is a tough illness to have, and I'm very sorry that you're struggling with it. Since you're in school, I'd bet it offers free psychological counseling. CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy has shown to be pretty effective at helping people control APD's worst symptoms. Sometimes, it DOES require meds until you begin learning how to effectively control it, too. Pot, when used as a coping mechanism - usually does more harm that it does good - in the long term. Yes, it's less toxic than alcohol, but its hot helpful where Cluster II personality disorders are present. It's your life - and I can't tell you how to live it. However, if you desire to overcome this disorder, then I'd turn back to the mental health professionals who help people llike yourself overcome Cluster II PD's every day. This is not an illness that people overcome by self-medication. It requires help and guidance from trained professionals.
I tried to make a helpful post but i cant get past the suicide shit...you need to see a shrink and not hold back any info...please start with the suicide thoughts and then later the social grace crap...i get too angry at suicide talk and cant keep a level head
hey there, sorry to hear that you are feeling this way if you feel suicidal and need immediate help, you can contact a suicide crisis line www.befrienders.org has a list of hotlines internationally you can also visit www.suicideforum.com for on-line support the advice to get therapy sounds good meditation can help with the anxiety. getting a 1/2 hour a day of gentle, aerobic exercise can help with depression. maybe take a brisk walk, just enough to just break a sweat. dietary changes can help. I recommend traditional chinese dietary therapy. basically, you eat fresh, cooked, whole foods served warm. nothing cold or raw, no processed foods smoking weed can be fun, but I think it can make depression and anxiety worse in the long run I recommend that you check out this book "Curing Depression Naturally with Chinese Medicine" http://bluepoppy.com/cfwebstore/ and then the books link, books for the laymen this has lots of self-help methods so in addition to these things, also chinese herbal medicine and acupuncture sorry to be very frank, but not ejaculating frequently can help you build your energy a qi gong practice can help you build energy. sometimes this can cause problems with anxiety, so maybe under the supervision of a teacher changing your circumstances might help, maybe change schools so that you are in a place that gives you more support try to have some laughs if you can. maybe rent some funny movies a meditation class or qi gong class would have an added benefit of creating a group that you could connect with if you are feeling anxiety in a social situation, I think that telling people about having anxiety can help you feel better. it depends on the people though how they'll react I wonder if maybe on-line dating would be good for you? I hope that things get better bro, and I'm sending some positive vibes your way!
God dammit, you sound just like me. Except I don't do any prescription drugs or weed. Anxiety and depression are the worst combo. Hope something fixes your problems. By the way, you don't sound mentally ill. You just sound anxious. I can totally relate.
