My father used to abuse me, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. I know deep down inside he loves me and he has always supported me financially. However, I had a very sad and angry childhood and teenage and adult life because of the way he's treated me. He's used his financial support as complete leverage over me. And because I've grown to become dependent on his financial support, I am too scared to become independent by joining the military like he did. Anyways, he used to beat the crap out of me and call me stupid, and then the next day would apologize and told me he loved me. I think it was because of his stress from work and general unhappiness but in any case, I am a very insecure person because of this. What kind of advice can you all offer to someone who feels very conflicting feeling towards my old man? Should I give him the finger and never talk to him again, or should I try and get closer to him? I get very angry when I try and get closer to him, especially because he always tells me he's been a great dad and ignores any of my own personal opinions about the way he's treated me....
Get a job,get your own place,live your own life and work on your self esteem. Sometimes parents don't show good sense--they're just people with their own problems and don't "measure up" as they should with their children. You can forgive him later and you should,but not until you become "your own person" with your own life,some goals and a path you are comfortable with. You must learn to be independent.
OK,I see by your other thread you have a job. I now suggest you take Karate or some such, to help you to have confidence.
^^^ Pretty good advice right here. Aside from all that, about what you mentioned that your dad says he's been a good father; you need to (best done after you gain some independance) tell him the truth. About how you feel, how he's been a shitty father, abusive in many ways, how it fucked up your self esteem, etc. He'll likely react in one of two ways; He'll get mad and defensive, but at least you got to tell him the truth, which might make you feel better. Or he'll feel guilty knowing that he was a shit father, which might make you feel better.
I've been taking Jiu Jitsu and I float regularly (isolation tank). Anyways, I get a short term boost of confidence but it only lasts like a day! Everytime I tell my dad that he's fucked me up he laughs about it in my face and tells me I had an easy life, and that he's been a good dad.... he's always putting me down and discarding my feelings like that...
Fuck him then. Based on the fact that you mentioned no siblings or mother, let your father live alone. See how he likes the fact that he pushed you away.
and yet you continue to accept the abuse.... He can say whatever he wants... lies are easy for abusive people... Walk away and start your own life.
You know, people are frail little things. There is in many families that one person that can bring the entire family down. Your father is one of them. I have a person like that in my family; my grandmother. Although because of her advanced years, she has mellowed a bit but she is pretty much the same. I'll use her as an example because my experience isn't unlike yours. I was never physically abused, but I was in other ways. I know how it feels to be beaten to the ground and be manipulated. My grandmother when she had her two daughters would leave her first daughter in orphanages while she went out partying; there was no reason to do this. One point, my grandmothers lover, who happens to be my grandfather, molested her daughter. My aunt's sister, who was my mother, saw them one time kissing (older sister was 15, younger was about 9) and told her mother what she saw. So instead of putting blame on the man, she put the blame on her daughter and to this day my aunt resents her mother for siding with him. My grandmother always played favorites and her favorite was my mother and another was me. The bad thing about it is that we were both smothered to the extreme and always put it into our heads that we can't do much in life as a way to keep us to herself; my grandmother ended up creating a wedge between my mothers husbands and her sister, manipulating her in ways to get her to behave a certain way. Long story short, my mother never had much of a life, if any life at all because of it. Sometimes I just wish she leaves soon so that I can finally be free and that the family can normalize itself because it can't happen with her here. No one in the family wants anything to do with her so I end up having to take care of her. There are times I feel trapped and quite bitter but other times I accept my current situation in life, but I tell you it isn't easy; in a down to earth talk, it's hard but it IS possible to have those feelings and still love them, just as you still love your father. You love your father because you see something in him, a little person struggling with issues. My grandmother was raised by a pretty psycho family during times of the great depression, she told me stories of being molested (not sex, but touching) by her rowdy brothers (all happen to die at young ages). With that said, when we remember how frail the abusive person is, it becomes easier to forgive them and to rise above the abuse. Either way, you need to go to a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, but a psychologist since they are more talk oriented and you need possibly medication to help raise you out of depressive moods. None of this easy, and if it makes you feel better, I am in the same boat as you so don't think you're alone. But as others pointed out, get any job, just as long as it takes you away from him, and in time get your own place. He may still need some support but that's still up to you but you may feel better knowing that the person that abuses you is defeated with love and that will raise your self esteem. Good luck. Love, Mike P.S. if you ever want to PM me to talk, feel free
Yeah, as far as I can tell, he is only making your life worse. Get independent, and distance yourself from him. Unless he is willing to appologise and try to make up for it, he doesnt deserve to be part of your life.
Yup. it only takes one person to totally screw up a family. With me ,it was a stepmother. Totally ruined our family(such as it was)--no more xmasses-thanksgivings or anything together. Some people are just toxic to anyone and anything around them. Best to chalk 'em up as the shit they are and leave.
For God's sake do not listen to the advice about medication, you do not need it and you are perfectly capable of controlling your moods AND controlling your life, you just need to realise that. I know that what you experienced was probably hard and scary at the time but there comes a time in everyone's life when they must buck up, stand up and be counted. Did your dad spoil your life or are you spoiling your life by feeling sorry for yourself? I once heard a saying: "You don't get depressed, you DO depressed." Since you are aware of the problems you face and their apparent source AND your resulting behaviour, they should - in theory - have very little control over you. I don't wish to come across as unsympathetic but are you sure you aren't using this as an excuse for failing to live up to your own expectations?
you're blaming him for your own personal anxiety. i've known people who have come from similar situations - and what they did was the exact opposite they detached themselves, and became successful in spite of the shit they had to deal with from their parents. hopefully, what i have said reflects what others had, and more importantly, is food for thought.
