Am I messed up as a person or can I blame it on the shrooms?

Yesterday I took some psilocybin mushrooms for the first time. I took 3 grams with some lemon juice. I've never done it before but I have some LSD.

In the beginning of the trip, I felt euphoric. I couldn't handle the amount of bliss I felt. I just dropped to the floor and the music amplified my feelings. I knew in my mind it wouldn't last forever but my perception of time changed and I felt that time stood still and so subjectively I was stuck in that moment of time forever.

Then I started getting really delusional thinking I was being touched by "God" because when I looked up at the light it was very very bright and I felt amazing. It was very mystical and I personally don't believe in God or any religion so it was fascinating to see myself lose sense of my rationale like that. As I began to lose sense of the real world, I went completely nuts. I thought I opened up some portal and started thinking it was like the Chronicles of Narnia where it was possible to visit some fairy tale land with elves where I could meet up with other people tripping.

I'm not sure at what point the trip I fell into the dark side but I do remember going to the bathroom and feeling very very confused. I started to piss and then I remembered this scene from It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia where one of the characters took shrooms and tried diving into the toilet bowl. At that point I thought I was going crazy thinking I would do something like that. So I ran back to my room, then I felt like something was missing. I felt lost. I kept looking around throwing shit in my room looking for something but I couldn't remember. This behaviour spiraled out of control to the point where I was throwing shit everywhere.

Then I heard my uncle's voice who told me that psychedelics are dangerous and then I went completely paranoid. I thought that this drug was going to mess me up and that I would become crazy forever, mentally institutionalized. I kept thinking when I woke up out of this psychotic state I would wake up and realize I was in a stray jacket in some mental hospital. When I shook my head and said snap out of it, and tried to assure myself I would come back, everything in my room started shifting positions. I couldn't tell if I was teleporting into different permutations of my reality or if it was just the objects in my room that were teleporting. When I thought it was my self that teleported, I felt that I could travel to different dimensions. I remembered reading about how there were infinite universes that mapped out every single possibility of my existence. In a near parallel universe I could've decided to walk towards the front of the room instead of the back showing a difference of just one decision, or in more distance universe, I could've been in a world where I was rich and was the perfect version of myself. I deluded myself into thinking it was possible to get into one of these universes where I was in a better position in my life. I just had to figure it out by thinking harder.

But as I thought harder, I became dumber. It was like Altered States where I was devolving to become a monkey. Instead of looking like a monkey though I felt mental deterioration and thought my mental abilities would never return again and that I was FUCKED. I thought that I got some laced drug and completely forgot about the euphoria I felt before that indicated it was good stuff. After I felt like I would never return and that it was the end of my life, I thought I might as well just accept the fact that I was crazy. I thought the drug was trying to tell me to just accept the fact that I fucked up and that I would never be the same again. So I got really pissed at myself and went on a rampage. I threw my laptop and broke it in half, I throw my painting, my speakers, everything. I ran up to the friend I tripped with and it seemed like I was trying to rape him. I know I'm not gay because I don't feel sexually attracted to guys at all but I kept thinking, is it possible I am just in denial? Anyways, he kicked me and told me I was crazy. I guess at that point it re-inforced my belief I was permanently mentally deranged. I took off all my clothes and started running around naked, and ran outside. At this point I was like Brad Pitt from 12 monkeys. I thought I was fucked in the head forever and that I was schizophrenic. Finally it wore off and I realized I was not in some other reality or dimension, and that I was just fucking up my life right now because I was talking to an angry neighbor who filed a complaint.

And can someone with experience please tell me what the hell happened?!?!

- Joe Rogan is one my idols because he says psychedelics teach you about life and everything, and that even bad trips are good because it teaches you about yourself. What are your opinions about this? He also says its very safe and you cannot go crazy from it. However, I have read some forum posts that say they've lost friends who've become schizophrenic forever after taking it. Is it possible to become schizophrenic forever or is it just all temporary psychosis and that forum posters are lying? I've done LSD and did experience brief psychosis but I had a complete ego death and when I came back I became very confident and happy.
- Is it possible I am gay and in denial and that I am suppressing myself or is it just the drug that made me crazy?
- Even AFTER this experience I want to try shrooms again but this time by myself. However, during this trip I was thinking about jumping out of the window because I felt that I was in some sort of matrix and that if I killed myself I would wake up to reality and end my craziness. Is it advisable not to trip out alone until I become more experienced?
- And my last but most important question is, is psilocybin trying to tell me I am a crazy fucked up person? I have a lot of personal problems, especially about my father who used to beat me and verbally abuse me, yet at times he was very loving as well and that deep down inside, I know he loves me but he wants me to become a tougher person. It's like I love and hate my father at the same time, and everytime I take psychedelics I experience this conflicting ying/yang love and psychotic hate. Can anyone tell me what might be wrong with me?!? Is it possible to get better at tripping and learning how to CONTROL myself or should I just avoid it entirely? I still feel that psychedelics can be used as a tool for self help if I just become more experienced and know how to use it properly.... The main fear I have is becoming schizophrenic forever.... is this not physically possible and just a myth?

Thanks guys for reading about my story...
Peace and love

 

well sounds like an awesome trip, when i tripped the first time, it was kind of similar, waiting around, and suddenly i was listening to this acid mothers temple song pink lady lemonade and it was the best thing ever and everything was so beautiful and i danced through the woods and watched this menthol cigarette burn and kept twirling it around and didnt even smoke it, i never really smoked cigarettes but it was so beautiful,

i was alone and later i decided to head closer to my high school because i was skipping that day and this kind got me to go in to buy cigarettes for him for some reason even though i wasnt 18 and there was no way for me to do that anyways, and after that point i kind of went crazy thought i lost it, i just walked around for a long time, crying, it seemed like every car that passed, was someone who knew me, not that their faces were familiar but it seemed like they had always watched me, in some primordial sense, it seemed like it had been forever, and i was walking back to the forest, i really thought i may have been crazy, because it seemed like it would never end, and it didn't seem so different from normal life in a way, it was just this wierd emotional squiggly thing, but i used positive thinking, i realized suddenly that i had to just look at the bright side and it all became kind of funny, i realized that i was the cosmic fool and that all things are infinite, and that was why i seemed crazy, also because i disrespected the trip by going to school of all places. but i kept thinking of this term cosmic fool, and i really liked it, and finally i went home and wrote some and laid down and meditated.

but anyways you're probably not crazy, shrooms don't cause anyone to go crazy, schizophrenia which it did turn out i had actually, it can't be caused by anything, but many times its dormant in people and psychedelics can bring it out to some extent, at least thats the theory, personally i believe that most people who have it, it starts to show around 17-21 and this is coincidentally also the time a lot of people start to do psychs if they are going to try them, so its all just kind of a huge and confusing transition and everything is blurred together, i think they are related in some sense though, shamanism for example involves both, shamans are schizophrenics who have learned to use their sickness to some extent and not deny their calling, usually they have visions and they have true meaning or are healers etc, maybe they also use psychedelics sometimes for healing and insight too, though in modern society unless you define yourself, its hard not to be swept away in this 'everything out of the norm' is crazy, everything which takes the spiritual seriously is 'wishy washy' so unless you are just around some good people, it can be difficult but if you're a shaman you will find your way through, because your spirit knows the path in a sense. I realized later that I'm two spirit and we're also a shaman.

as for being gay, i doubt it if you are attracted to the opposite sex, but maybe you're bi, i don't think it really matters, sometimes closeness to someone else has nothing to do with sex, and sometimes bisexual people are a lot different that the stereotypes you see, for instance a lot of gay people, especially guys turn me off, though they might be cool people, its really only a certain kind of guy thats attractive to me, so sometimes i wouldn't even say that i'm bi, but i mean, i cant really deny that sometimes, we just think people are people, pansexual is a cool term, everything else is too dualistic maybe. i'd say just dont force anything, if your attracted to someone you'll definitely know.

on the last thing i don't really know yr personal situation but in our experience, fuck the patriarchy (in favor of an egalitarian world) ... sometimes parents can just be honestly, totally wrong, ours are for the most part, though supposedly they have good intentions, their actions don't really show this 80 percent of the time, if they just freaked out less about things which may be kind of wierd, but which are honest self expression which in reality is not that big a deal to anyone, and cared a little more about the environment, i think so much would be so much easier, whereas now even simple things are incredibly difficult because of this, sometimes its hard to believe they are actually serious and not acting.

people dont go permanently insane from psychedelics ever, but if you were already going to go insane theres no way to avoid it, you're saying this happened yesterday and now you're posting on the internet about it, so thats not really too out of the ordinary.

a lot of 'normal' people are messed up inside, and psychedelics can bring that to light, don't be afraid of it but don't let it over come you, acknowledge it and just let love heal it, because love is the true essence of everything anyways, i'd say you probably just have to work on it yourself, meditate, work on coming to peace work on being grounded in love, and paying attention to how energy is flowing around you (in altered states and out of them), and how to generally keep a positive influence, how your own psychology works, and certain thoughts or looking at certain things can bring certain spirits which take you in one of many directions, you can't control it totally but if you are at least generally aware of it, you can kind of do some soul surfing and not wipe out as much into negative territories, just by keeping good vibes around you, and in your heart and mind, remember to a large degree YOU DREAM YOUR OWN DREAM YOU CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY! the shaman, cosmic fool, the wise one, consciousness itself is the weaver of worlds, sometimes it doesn't appear like someone would expect, but everyone has the ability to do that, and in fact all of us are in you, and you are in everything

maybe next time when you trip have an intention to understand better your relationships or something, and remember while you trip theres things you can do to ground yourself, like drumming, meditate listen to happy music, eat some food drink some tea, or just lay in the dark, a lot of the time going around and being extremely active is not a good idea because it just makes you more excited, etc... but also having some ness herb (cannabis) can help a lot too, and.. sex?
don't care so much about being crazy, its really not that bad, it probably means you're seeing some truth, if you can be calm about it and enjoy it, its probably safer, go out to a tree and just sit there and watch things, going to other people in times like that can be not the best idea, unless they are really kind of a spiritual or quiet person, or tripping at the time also, they can put a lot of their conceptions on you without thinking and freak you out more, when what you really should be doing if you are loosing yourself in thoughts is ground yourself, probably in nature or in a safe place like your bed and try to lose thoughts and just look around, go with the Oneness, God, Dia, Goddess or whatever you want to call it, spiritual practices can really be a great help. A trip with a spiritual focus can really take you on an amazing journey and you can learn much, its already calling you, because you felt God, so its think probably wise to keep looking in that direction

don't know if 'blame it on the shrooms; is the best way to put it but yeah its definitely the shrooms that caused it, i wouldn't worry the effects last a long time youll probably feel totally normal tomorrow or the day after, if you smoke weed it will probably come back a little until then

and yeah dont be afraid of going crazy, i suggest you read about shamanism, and sacred symbols, the sun moon, trees, animals, native american folk lore, maybe read the psychedelic experience, its not crazy, its just a different kind of wisdom, everything has its own energy, and all of it is one in the end, the universe takes care of everyone and everything, life is art, art is life, do you do any kind of artistic expression?

LOVE!

 

That post was amazing thanks! I am so scared of becoming schizophrenic.... Is it possible I have latent schizophrenia and that I will begin to go crazy in my later adult years? During the trip I was talking to myself and rolling around just losing complete control over myself.... I was honestly like Brad Pitt from 12 Monkeys....

If shrooms do accelerate the pace at which I become schizophrenic, is there anyway I can heal myself and undo my schizophrenia so to speak? I'm honestly quite traumatized by what happened because I don't know what it means.... I felt very lost and alone....... and deep down inside I am quite lonely so I'm not sure if the trip just amplified my feelings of loneliness to show me I should try not to be so introspective becuase I will only become lonely and crazy and that it was sort of a calling to get my shit together to never experience such pain and chaos, OR if the trip was trying to tell me I do have latent schizophrenia and I should seek help?

 

neither, take the third option, (be introspective? the reward is far greater than seeking help from doctors who will basically literally try to poison you if you're not smart about it, then your life will be ruined forever because you'll have brain damage from the anti-psychotics (shrooms have never been shown to cause any kind of brain damage), you will have no freedom and you will have passed up something very important) is that really the third option? we can't really tell you that.

sometimes you need to be alone, that doesnt mean you will never come back to people again, sometimes you need to face turmoil, that doesn't mean there will never be peace again

schizophrenia isn't an illness, its more like a calling
the fact that you were tripping really hard, doesn't mean you have schizophrenia at all, or will develop it later, it just means you were tripping really hard, which happens, taking entheogens is not a game and after a certain point anyone would lose control, everyone has different levels of sensitivity, even from experience to experience, the same amount can have drastically different effects on the same person... if it starts happening when you aren't tripping, and you haven't tripped or done any drugs any time around when its happening, and it starts happening so much that it really interferes with your life then you might have schizophrenia

if you're not liking the experiences you're having when you trip, and you're not seeing a way to build from them, maybe psychedelics are just not for you, at least not at this point in your life

YOU DREAM YOUR OWN DREAM YOU CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY

http://www.empathys.co.uk/71.html

How Does One Become a Shaman?
​

To the beginner, it would seem that the primary goal of everything one does is to "become" a shaman. It is a common misconception that experiencing shamanic ecstasy or embarking on that first Shamanic journey makes you a shaman. It is more complicated than this. ​

Not everyone can become a shaman... It is a terrible experience to survive a calling and thus one should not "wish" to be a shaman. However, anyone may still benefit from the experience of practising shamanic techniques and ecstasy without being a shaman! ​

A shaman is a master of the shamanic abilities, journeying, ecstasy, even healing. A shaman is also one depended on by some form of a group or community. While I believe one might be a shaman to their own brotherhood or family, in most cases this is a village or some nation of people. To these people, the shaman is their window between the worlds. ​

So to answer the question, there are three ways most shamanic traditions agree one can become a shaman.​

1: By birth into a Shamanic family one can receive the hereditary right to be a shaman.​

2: One might be called as a Shaman. Often a person will become seriously ill (mentally or physically) during this calling. They will then realise, or be informed of their calling. Once the person begins their training and accepts their calling, they will be freed of their illness. This calling is not a request, but rather a divine command. One may be raised in a Christian family which rejects the path of the shaman, but to ignore the call would not be acceptable. Most Shamanic cultures believe that rejecting a call is a fatal mistake. Surviving the call is what gives the shaman the experience needed to begin healing others.​

3: One may choose to become a Shaman. This involves an intense, personal quest towards being a shaman, including the traditional training and studying. According to "orthodox" beliefs, a shaman who chooses his path is less powerful. Many cultures believe there is no such thing as one who chooses to be a shaman and such a person is either fake or simply unrespectable. Survival of the calling is part of the experience and to choose this path is to surpass the calling.​

Regardless of the way one initiates the journey, it is a very tough and devoted path to follow. A shaman must endure intense physical discipline, days in sweat lodges seeking visions, long journeys between the worlds and deep study of deities, myths, the secret language and their heritage. This is why shamanism is not a religion, but a way of life that becomes the nature of the individual. ​

 

Point the finger, shift the blame.

 

try not to have so many preconceptions man, just go with the flow, don't label it, just dig life, moment to moment, meditate


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4SqDx1vi4c&feature=related"]YouTube - ‪Grateful Dead - Box of Rain (Studio https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4SqDx1vi4c&feature=related"]Version)‬‏ - Box of Rain

Grateful Dead - Words by Robert Hunter; music by Phil Lesh

Look out of any window any morning, any evening, any day Maybe the sun is shining birds are winging or rain is falling from a heavy sky - What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago Walk out of any doorway feel your way, feel your way like the day before Maybe you'll find direction around some corner where it's been waiting to meet you - What do you want me to do, to watch for you while you're sleeping? Well please don't be surprised when you find me dreaming too Look into any eyes you find by you, you can see clear through to another day I know it's been seen before through other eyes on other days while going home -- What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? It's all a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago Walk into splintered sunlight Inch your way through dead dreams to another land Maybe you're tired and broken Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear What do you want me to do to do for you to see you through A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through Just a box of rain - wind and water - Believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on Sun and shower - Wind and rain - in and out the window like a moth before a flame It's just a box of rain I don't know who put it there Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare But it's just a box of rain or a ribbon for your hair Such a long long time to be gone and a short time to be there

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl9K8Gdy-18&feature=related"]YouTube - ‪Spontaneous Self Healing (part2) Elia Wise‬‏