I need help to deal with my family. I try to act as normal as possible, but I can't find a way except in a very egocentric form. I had many problems with them, they always criticized me for almost everything, and in response I did the same. The only memories of true happiness is when I was very young, before I went to school. When I went to school I was good dealing with information, so I become a very egocentric person. I never respected truly myself, always sacrified myself to make others feel something from my hell. The most tormented problems started when I got the trick to manipulate others. My father is an alcoholic and my mother is addicted to prescription drugs. We always had problems because we are very egocentric, we never accept the responsibility for our acts, we always blamed each other. When I started using drugs, I did it consciously, the purpose I used was to built an unflappable ego. To people start looking at me with power. I was very stupid doing it, it was just an excuse, I was burning in a hell. After some time I come out from that world of addiction and my family accepted me better than ever, everything was working amazing. I quited smoking cigarretes too, it was the most powerful thing to ego. Now I was able to control everything, including my own habits. During all of this transformations I started geting out of control, I started disrespecting everyone, every single person that called me a looser, I went to them and I made them suffer, I treated everyone "as a dog". Since I got the passion about meditation I started to control myself better, now I don't freak out because of stress, and I can truly start to respect me and others. After many body fights with my father I can understand my stupidity. Yesterday we had a king of a fight, but I couldn't do anything to him except stoping, we had the most stupid discussion, and maybe the worst. I disrispected him very hard, he did the same, but I couldn't do any violence. Many anger come out of me, I freaked out at the end crying like never and it was all over when all anger become some kind of compassion. It was need physical pain so that everything started to stabilize. I'm loosing ambition, hope and everything about future, it was making me suffer, it's better to enjoy every single day without it, without dreaming. At the same time I'm living my past, living the repressed emotions. I'm not avoiding any kind of reaction, I accept everything, and because of that I can see the stupidity of it. I look at life from other point, I don't even sleep right to get out in the middle of the night and go into forest, I feel at home, nowhere to go, everything is becoming like I dreamed, psychedelic, or extraordinary. Because of that unconcern about life we are not understanding each other, I talk like I love to talk, no matter if they listen to me or not, I just talk. Surprisingly telling that life is oneness/unity and this understanding gives peace and joy, make them look at me like a freak again. This time it doesn't really offends me, I can see how special I am and how special everyone is, the comparison is evaporating. This isn't sufficient, I can't simply stay okay and see them suffer because they don't want to understand the choice I made. Telling my father I want to live near the threes, and that everything is nature and we are animals, make him fucking freak out. I tell him it's not a question of disrespect to him, it's a question of harmony. Summarizing, I'm accepting myself, but I can't deal with them that way. If I start to be egocentric (including humilty ego) we can understand each other better, but that way I start to manipulate. It's very risky, a slide and become I become more manipulative than ever before. All comments are welcome, thank you. Love. :2thumbsup:
You've done so much self-appraisal, you've taken stock of the situation. You've analised, considered and ruminated. That much is apparent. But why did you stop before you'd reached a solution? You seem very capable in viewing the situation objectively, so why not continue to do so until a solution presents itself? As a piece of solid advice, I would have to give you the word (in capital letters) COMMUNICATION. All of these silly problems we have can be easily resolved with the right communication. Are you speaking in a language that your parents can understand? Do they actually know what you are saying and how you feel? No offense but your account seems quite sefl-centered, have you taken the time to understand your parents and how they feel, what they are saying? Do your parents even know that you want to help them??? (And I don't mean because you've said so, does it show through in your actions when you are being yourself, or does it look like when you are being "yourself" that the void between you is wider?) On the alcohol and drug-dependency subject, you will get nowhere by trying to tell someone that what they are doing is wrong. How much do you actually do with your parents? I know it is difficult but if you wan a healthy relationship then you will have to do constructive, or a least enjoyable, things together. If you try hard enough you will find that one day, your parents are too busy having fun with their son to take time out to take their meds and drink a beer. It sounds at the moment that you are a poison to them, adding to their misunderstanding. You must become a treatment for them, a cure. And if you can't deal with someone else, especially someone close, when you are accepting yourself then I would have to say that it doesn't sound like you are accepting yourself at all, just putting on another act, which will result in you not being able to deal with people because you don't want the act to drop, revealing it as a lie to yourself. Sometimes you have to accept that you're nothing and you've got nowhere, that you need other people's help as much as they need yours.
drug's don't build character, decisions do. People really hurt themselves getting confused about that one.
