Ok...I really need to get some of your opinions here. I have this issue, first off, with myself. I am very passive and though I think I handle things that need to be handled, I am shy and I hate confrontation. Secondly, I have this issue concerning the only true friend I have. She has been like a sister to me for about ten years. Third, my mom is getting married to a guy she met at our church. I like him very much and he seems like a wonderful guy, but my friend says that she doesn't like him. Anyway, last night, my friend told me that she gets bad vibes from him and thinks that he might have abusive tendancies. She went on to tell me that she will fight me for all she's worth, if I move with my family. She wants me to stay with her and then me and her move out on our own. Now, I can't help but wonder if she might be jealous because I am moving out of this terrible neighborhood we both live in, or if she is being honest and really feels this strongly about him. Though I am a firm believer in intuition, she really doesn't have anything to back her up, except her vibes. Please help me out guys...
Hi RainbowGrl... I am sorry to hear you have having a hard time with your friend. Why not sit her down and talk to her, really get her to open up as to her feelings about you moving and concrete reasons why she does not like your mom's new beau. She may just be hurting because her best friend will no longer be close and perhaps she fears losing you. Talk it out, be there for her, not in a confrontational way, but in a loving way. The great thing about really good friends is that they last forever, no matter where you move to. Sending warmth and light your way. *hugs*
Does she know this man? If not I would just forget about her vibes. In one perspective it's very flattering that she needs you so much, but on the other hand, to spread malicious rumours about him to you in order to stop you from moving away, that's almost kooky, and pretty insulting to your mother, her fiance and you (she seems to know better than all of you for some reason). She certainly sounds very possessive and controlling towards you. I get a bad vibe about HER - watch your back because she may do the same thing to you if you move away. I mean if something as far fetched as that is going to rock the boat so badly then maybe it wasn't a real friendship to begin with?
what a tough situation to be in. so your friend wants you to move in with her until you two can find a place of your own... where's she living, now? with her parents, too? cause i imagine it won't reflect very well on your mom if you move in with her... i'm imaining your friend convincing her parents (or roomies) to let you move in: "but mom, she can't live at home! her mother is marrying an abusive man and she's not safe in her house!" i'm leaning towards what forestnymphe and purplesage said. there is a lot to be said for intuition, i'm not denying that. what do YOU think of this new guy? what vibes have YOU gotten from him? also, how reliable is her intuition? maybe your friend was correct when she sensed abuse in his past... but maybe he was recieving the abuse, not dishing it out. it could have been in his childhood, or even his past wife (my uncle has an abusive wife, and he hides this fact from a lot of his friends to save his pride). maybe her vibes are right on point, though. i seriously hope not, but i'll give her the benefit of the doubt, too. so let's say she turns out to be right. are her actions going to change anything? moving in with her won't protect your mumma and siblings from his abuse. if anything, it will give him a greater opportunity to be alone with either one of them. she's not going to prevent your mom from entering into this marriage, that's for sure... and if her vibes are that strong, than that's what she should really be focusing on. or let's say you end up moving in with her. and one day you're talking to your younger sibling, and s/he mentions that this guy, "made her feel bad," but won't say how. so, you're inevitably going to jump to conclusions and worry. maybe it turns out to be nothing. if you're in the house, you can be more aware of what is going on. you might even be able to prevent an incident. point that out to your friend (nicely) and see where her interests are.
also, think about what it's going to be like living with her, if the two of you end up getting your own place. not to say it's a bad idea, necessarily BUT this could also be a warning that she may not be the best person to live with. you said you're passive, shy and hate confrontation. your friend seems confrontational. she's giving you an ultimatum and said she would fight you for all she's worth. she's basing this off of intuition -- not experience, not objective evidence. maybe she's right about him, but it does not justify her actions. so that makes me think this might not be the kind of person you would want to live with.
I actually talked to my "friend" about some of this, and of course we were just running around in circles...we got NOWHERE. I also talked to my mom and her beau about this, and they certainly seemed more correct. Not to say that my "stepdad" would say, "Yes, I am abusive", but he does say that his past wife left him. I think that my "friend" is abusing ME. I don't know. This hurts me so much, because she is literally my ONLY friend. I guess, now that I think about this, I could attribute this to her being controlling. I've not even had a boyfriend. Maybe she thinks that if I move with my family, that she will lose some control over me?? We are only moving about 10 min away from her. This is the most insane situation. Well, I can't even tell if she really just doesn't know how to treat people ( I am her only friend as well), or if she is really just keeping me as her pet. I know I tend to play the devil's advocate sometimes, but I don't want to lose her if she really means no harm.
yeah, it definitely sounds like she is trying to have a lot of control over you... and in a very manipulative way. ten minutes away is not far, at all. does at least one of you have a car or bike or bus pass? it sounds like she wants you all to herself, all the time. maybe she's afraid that you'll make friends with one of your neighbors or meet someone new in your neighborhood... but friends arent "monogamous." the clostest of friends share a deep connection, but they don't turn away from everyone else in the world -- not only other friends, but FAMILY, as well. i'd be freaked out, too. and you're right, it does sound like she's abusing you, mentally and emotionally. she should be supporting you... it's never easy when one of your parents gets re-married and she should be more concerned with maintaining positivity in your life, not causing you grief and anguish. good for you for talking to your mom and her guy about this! she might not realize that her actions are harmful. she might not see anything wrong with what she's doing, and she may not understand that she is being disrespectful, controlling and manipulative. i guess that's what makes things all the more difficult... but she has to know, at least on some level, that what she is doing is negative and harmful. good luck! i hope things start to get better and more clear. do you have a while before the move? i hope things resolve quickly.
Yeah, we have a few months probably before we move. Also, we both have cars, so I can't see where she would have some fear of losing me to not being able to see me. I don't get it. The very thing that she says she don't want ( losing me), is what she is seeming to be inviting by acting this way. I just talked to my mom and her man about this tonight, so it is weighing heavy on my heart. I love snow, and we are expecting some snow here, but I just don't feel excited as I normally would. All of this junk has me so down.
