i go through the motions of being alive no not living for there is no life or light at the end of this tunnel. home alone in my room sitting … staring at flickering meaningless scenes hearing without listening … speaking without saying. others complain saying: 'pull yourself together and for gods sake go and see your doctor', so I nod my head … smiling to please them and they leave thinking they've helped me to 'get my head together', leaving me alone to think of many ways to get my head apart. loneliness leads me to the solution and the way out of it all … hosepipe … windows shut … mind shut … pills swallowed … turn the key …scent of death and a door opens that should have been locked dragged into fresh air and to the doctors rooms and psychiatric faces and hopefully endless oblivion. sweet women in white … stern men with beards 'carbon monoxide count sixteen is bad cos twenty's usually fatal you know so it could be at least three or four weeks at least and why didn't you call us jim and warn us jim cos you know we could have helped … we tried'. medicate … tranquilize and close your eyes red white and blues for breakfast lunch supper, 'wanna talk about it now … wanna say why? group therapy is good and the only way to go you know … they've all been there and back and no we can't just let you die you know.' psychi … psychol … psycho beings asking about sex and drawings … talk … interpret and more pills so you can function but how do I when all I do is sleep … sleep …sleep and wish I would never wake up again ever in this world in this meaningless useless fucking world?
tomorrow might be better jim.sometimes you just need ta hang on,until you can hold on again.and everytime you think the suns not shinin',try an remember its just hidin' behind a cloud.just keep talkin ta people bout how your feelin'.hope things turn around for you.dont give up jim.fight!
