i forgot what my original one was, or if i can even get back to it. i spend hours contemplating my mannerisms and which one is mine originally (assigned to me through genetics at birth) before social conditioning. When I get nervous I will sometimes act crazy to hide the fact I'm simply nervous to give people the idea I am fucked in the head and will not simply be nervous. I never really have mania, manic for me would be having the guts to say hi to someone, I'm a very shy person, have very few friends, and always think I am hated. I think about killing myself because I have worked up a belief ( i won't do it don't worry for real) that there is a mental hospital in the spirit world with a room in it for singles to hook up. I really believe that, get so lonely and hope it's true. I think about summoning demons/spirits cause I'm afraid of actual people. denial/rejection/abandonment/mockery. although i think of things like the aforementioned spirit world crazy house, i still believe at heart heaven hell and if i kill my self i will go to hell. i crave attention a lot and am afraid to recieve it. ummm. i like to cut myself, it feels romantic. i turn into different people depending on the social situation. i really do have succubus dreams, vivid ones, and i think that's an accomplishment. i am a very depressed person heonstly. fucked up.
I do that too, and I pretend I'm actually the character in a video game and I don't run and do things fast cause it's unrealistic so I walk everywhere and talk to everyone and waste my life away but ya know what? It's better than real life!
lol i wish i had the courage to talk to random people. if it wasn't for the computer and weed i would have no social life, and im broke so yeah lol. video games lol. hell yeah. i like to pretend i am in the craft world, witch craft runs it. or nightmare on elm street to scare my self.
I kinda did that, too, for a long time. If I was feeling cooped up, I'd just put in the Sims or Grand Theft Auto and zone out in their little worlds. I pretty much spent ALL last summer at one of two places, work or San Andreas, lol. Then I beat the game and did pretty much EVERYTHING there was to do, so I lost interest. Before the games, it was on here, my whole social life revolved around this place, but I got a little unexpected break from here for about a year. Since last summer, I've been working on my social anxiety, though. Now that socializing only slightly scares the bejeezus out of me, I actually enjoy going out into the real world and "playing" adult. Haha. I'm still scared to go to the liquor store and I've only been brave enough to go in twice.
I don't like being ID'd I guess. Haha, I guess it just bothers me that I look younger than I am and the way they always look at me when I walk in, I just hate it. Then I feel like they think I've got a fake ID or something and I just feel paranoid.
lol i can relate that's how i felt when i first started buying cigarettes, always used to sneaking around felt like a teenager going in. lol.
It's funny. When I was younger I hated getting carded. Now that I'm almost 36 and have streaks of grey and grey hairs in my beard I just smile and say thank you. Stay Brown, Rev J
Well, don't get me wrong, I guess it's a blessing to look like I'm still 16 at the age of 24, and I'm not hurrying the aging process by any means, but ever since I was a teenager, I've just felt paranoid that everyone thinks I'm stealing or doing something wrong. Everyone always stared at me then because I went out of my way to look like a freak and invited the scrutiny, but it ended up messing with my head and making me paranoid of EVERYONE. lol
