Hey everyone! I'm new around here, but I'm really digging the community thus far. I'm dealing with something & wonder if I could pick some brains on how to handle it. I am, like most of ya'll, a genuinly honest person, including honest with myself, I'm empathetic, caring, open minded, yada yada yada...I came from a super dynamic bunch of characters, who did the best they knew how to raise me right. Dad is a vet, very scarred & not emotionally available, & mom was/is a party girl. Their parents were great people, except the deep seeded bigots that lived etched in their soul to the core. My mother seemed to hold a different opinion about that kind of stuff, but she has always thrown around the "N" word anytime she is reffering to a black person, & any other slam label she can muster up for anyone who is other than white. I call her out on it all the time, always have, & she will use the worn out come back, well they're not all *%^%, but I know what she really means...she was raised to fear & dislike minorities & even though she hates to admit it, she is racist, about everything. It's just her, & I love her regardless. But it is so hurtful to hear her so hateful & it seems that she is getting worse as she ages. So my problem. I am uber close to mom, as are my children, but I really get bothered by her intolerence, & I fear that it may affect my colorblind kids negatively. Recently, I heard my oldest daughter say something really hateful, & I don't think she just "formed" that opinion. I have literally disolved friendships due to this attitude of intolerance & ignorance, but I can't exactly 'unfriend' my mother, but even though I have expressed many times how it hurts me to hear her talk that way, she seems to be doing it more freely and more obnoxiously. Last night in fact, we had a very heated discussion because she saw a little black boy walking harmlessly down her street & said, "hmmmm, looks like it's up to no good"...WTH. 'it'? I got pissed & ended up leaving, & thank goodness my daughters weren't with me, because I don't want to disrespect my mother by saying something...but am I really disrespecting her when she is actually the one disrespecting humanity in general?
You didn't say how old your daughters are, but I'm sure they'll be fine. Kids often "try on" attitudes temporarily, just to see how they fit. In the long run, what matters most is the kind of person and role model you are to them. Just as an aside, your mother sounds somewhat similar to my grandmother. She was a good woman, but terribly bigoted racially. Even as a young child, I understood what was going on, and there was never any danger of me "absorbing" her attitudes.
You profile says your 40. You have every right to stand your ground and put some distance between you and your mother. She doesn't seem to mind sticking to her guns. Stop visiting her for a while. Actions speak louder than words with certain people.
Who says you cant "unfriend" your mother? If her views are affecting your childrens' take on things it's time to call a halt. Your children will respect you for it later I'm sure. Of course you're going to have to do the difficult thing and tell them why you all won't be so close. It's not the end of the world. You will all survive!
My thoughts exactly. I was in a similar situation with my dad, and after I gave him the cold shoulder for nearly 2 months, he got the picture. Things still surface a bit, but the minute I say "I'm sorry, but I can't tolerate that" the conversation is over and we've moved onto the next subject for discussion. Maybe try warning her of the repricussions (sp?) for her actions, and if that doesnt work, follow throuh. Just like you do with your kids.
I honestly wouldn't get mad at my mom over saying something like that... I would probably just laugh it off and call her a bigot. Don't forget she is your mother, not worth drama with her over a comment about a stranger. Make sure your kids know she is from a different era and that during that era it was okay to discriminate against people because of their color, but today we no longer view it as acceptable and instead see it as mean.
I agree, except she's got her own kiddos to worry about now. Family or not, if someone pulls stuff like that with my kid, I make sure to let them know it's not appropriate. But I like the way you would handle it.
Oh man does this strike a chord with me. I have friends, family members - habitual racism. I still fight this battle. About a year or so ago. I started dating a mixed race girl (african/irish american). I was more than a little concerned about how my family and friends would behave, but I made the determination that if they cared at all about me - they wouldn't do or say anything that would hurt me or my girlfriend. I've always hated the n-word, and I called anyone out - that I gave a shit about - for using it - even in jest - or any other racist bullshit. Well everyone fell in love with her - they got to know her quickly (she was very outgoing) and it never became an issue. But when she wasn't with me - the old racial slurs would come up - once in a great while - like a bad habit. And that's exactly what it is. In their minds - it's just like cussing - they hear it enough and the ugly implications of it don't even enter into their minds. I discussed this at length with my girlfriend - who, believe me, knows a thing or two about discrimination - she got for being too black and for being too white! She told me she just won't interact with racists - she gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, but if she meets someone new and they say or do something racist - she's done with them. Well, I, on the other hand call them out on it and do everything I can think of to show them how fucking stupid and destructive and wrong racism is. We broke up about a year into the relationship for reasons that had nothing to do with racism, but not long ago a very good friend of mine made some off-handed racist comment - I can't remember what the context was, but I got the feeling they he was testing me - like my beliefs had somehow changed since I wasn't dating a mixed race girl anymore. Pissed me off - I mean I was furious. Part of it was because he was being a damn racist and part of it was because - like I said - I got the impression that he thought I was just pretending to hate racism while I dated this girl - even though I've felt this way for as long as I can remember - and he should've known that - I mean we're good, good friends. I sent him an email, I attached about 20 photos of lynchings - the most disturbing, sad and gruesome photos I could find - it was a heart-wrenching project just gathering these images. I put captions and the names of the victims when I could find them under the photos and at the end I simply said, "the N word has the power to dehumanize, it has the power to take innocent lives. Do you condone this? You say you hate war - well this is the most deadly and senseless war ever waged by mankind. Stop being a fucking racist. You're better than this." I closed by saying something "now you know how I really feel about it. I'm not going to speak of it again - you know better." Well he was sheepish as hell around me the next time I saw him in person, but I know I got through to him. My feeling is - if you just ignore racism or disassociate yourself from people who have racism in them - you're just perpetuating the problem. Yeah, you might be able to insulate yourself from that ugliness by avoiding racist people, but it's always going to raise it's ugly head. There are people that I love who are racist - to some degree and there are degrees. I choose to confront them and do everything in my power to change the way they think - to show them the error of their ways - and I've gotten pretty damn good at it. I'll never stop fighting it. I'll never change my mind. FUCK RACISM.
Tough situation. Your mom is your mom after all, and the kids are entitled to the family thing. I agree with granny l.h., kids do try stuff just to check it out and with your example, they'll be okay. Since racism and hate are born from ignorance and fear, you're already educating them so they'll get past it. In a weird way, the kids being exposed to these things in this way could be helpful in the long run--- as they see it and hear your explanations, they'll learn how to deal with it when they're on their own. Seeing flaws in those we love is hard and sometimes painful, but the kids will see that no one is perfect and that love means dealing with the things we don't like in those we love, as well as those things we do like in them. The short term solution is harder... maybe limit contact to some extent and when Mom asks why, tell her. Perhaps if she doesn't get to see the kids as often as she likes, she'll modify her behavior some. If your dad's troubled, it sounds like Mom has a lot to deal with and your love and support are important.
I apologize up front. I didn't read all the thread. I would have a sit down with mom and tell her that you don't approve of her remarks and if she wants to be a part of your chidlrens' lives, she will have to not use that kind of language around them. You can't control what she says/believes but you can control if your kids are with her or not.
Totally agree. This is what I do in my own situation. Sometimes you can't change your mom (I definitely can't) but I can explain to my children why the behavior in my opinion, is not acceptable.
