Whatsss good, Ive been trying to get clean lately simply because my girls locked up due to a recent section. An i dont feel like its fair for me to get jammed while shes getting clean inside. Ive been taking subs for the past year on and off. my drug of choice is heroin, by IV.. how it all started was i got in a car accident a few years ago, they gave me morphine by IV.. and it was just heavenly. i stayed away from drugs, then the pill epidemic happend in my area and everyone was getting high on oxy 30s 40s and 80s it never really hit anyone until people started dropping like flys and people started getting sick and robbing pharmys that anyone started to do something, but by then it was to late. but besides that im not trying to get off topic. the problem im having is that i get a few weeks clean but i still think about gettin jammed, like really really bad. I mean id love to get clean but when i have cash i find myself fighting with myself and i end up calling my dealer. i feel really guilty and sometimes it dosent even work because i cant even leave the house without taking a sub. Ive had a few friends tell me in meetings that ive rewired my brain and that my body wont produce dopamine in my brain unless im copping or getting high. and i understand that. but will it always be like this? Im a young father of 2 lil girls and i cant watch them grow up and have them know there father is a junkbag. the same with my wife, shes battling the same problems but is bipolar. shes in jail for another 20 days and i keep getting letters that say she wants to stay clean when she gets out but when she has a bad day she wants me to have a bag ready for her when she gets out. can someone give me some advice and not flame me
Bro, did I understand you right when you said you got a note from your wife saying that she wants to stay clean when she gets out but also wants a bag ready when she gets out? Doesn't really make sense does it. Neither of you will get clean as long as one of you doesn't want to. She needs to make a choice. She either wants the bag when shes released or she wants to get clean. No such thing as both right? Another thing is, since we are talking about a married couple with kids, I believe you have an opportunity that alot of junkies dont have. Helping each other. Maybe the two of you can dispell the popular notion that a jumkie needs to hit rock bottom before they are ready to quit. You two have two precious little girls and you can bet that they automatically start out with a huge disadvantage in the fact that they have parents who are addicted to Heroin. You said you've been taking Subs. Do you take Subs to keep from using everyday? Do you get these prescribed and does she take them as well? I dont evny your situation, having children with this addiction can get real bad real quick, just for the fact that your kids can be taken if the jail visits become more frequent. The two of you really need to do some sole searching and dig deep, take to each other and get serious about getting off the H, even if its rehab, Subs, whatver it takes. The one decision you and your wife do not have to make: Weather or not quitting is an option. The little girls answer that one for ya'll!!!
First your friends telling you that your brain will not produce dopamine is BULLSHIT. Most people don't really know what is going on at the cellular or molecular level when it comes to drugs and the brain. your brain is still producing dopamine, just perhaps not as much as usual. your opiate receptors are all out of whack from doing a lot of opiates, but if you stop using, they will return to their normal state. your not fucked for life trust me. The only permanent effect is a physical change in your brain that means you will continue to crave opiates for a long time. But just like the receptors in your brain, as time goes by it gets better. the cravings are going to be pretty bad at first, but if you stay off of opiates they will become less intense and less frequent as time goes by. The longer your clean, the easier it gets. Now you said you've been on Suboxone on and off for the past year or so. i personally have had a lot of experience with this drug. ill start off by saying that it is a miracle drug when it comes to opiate detox. using it short term makes for a nearly painless detox. My problem with the drug is when it is used for longer than necessary in maintenance situations just to make doctors and pharm companies more money, but that is a discussion for another time. Anyway, Subs makes for a good insurance policy for not using heroin. it is a partial agonist/competitive antagonist at the main opiate receptors. this means that if you have already taken it and you try to do heroin, the heroin wont work. This is good if you are around heroin alot and need to get in the habit of not using it. HOWEVER, while it blocks heroin and other opioids, it is itself still an opiate receptor agonist, albeit a relatively weak one. what this means is that even though your not doing heroin or oxy, your opiate receptors are still being occupied and are unable to regulate themselves. suboxone is preventing your brain from healing itself though, so dont plan on taking it forever. Its a powerful tool that has a time and a place. It seems that you and maybe your wife want to get off of heroin. I know what a living hell opiate addiction can be, so id like to help you. im going to tell you everything i know about getting clean and staying clean. Please forgive me if i start to sound sound preachy, i don't mean to. But this is very personal for me and i get a little passionate sometimes. This is how, after many failed attempts i was able to end my addiction to opiates for good. And i can tell you honestly that i am much happier now when i was when i was using. Now your already on Suboxone so i not going to talk about physical detox till the end. Anybody can stop doing heroin and get dopesick for a few days, its not starting back up that's the real challenge. First off my advice for you is to continue to take Suboxone for the time being. Eventually you will be able to stop taking it but for now I believe It is a necessary part of your recovery. It will help with the cravings and will give you an insurance policy like i described above. The one thing i ask is that you take a constant regimen: same amount every day. If you get it from a doctor than take whatever he recommends, if you get it off the street then take what you can afford. I don't know how much heroin you were/have been using but most people shouldn't require more than 8-12mg a day for maintenance (Extreme cases can warrant more but I don't think that applies here). But ill come back to the subject of Suboxone later. The first essential step to staying off heroin is to physically stay away from it. For me that involved a 97 day stay in a treatment facility. However this is not always ideal, not to mention it costs a fortune. And while rehab can be helpful it is by no means necessary so please do not worry about it. The whole idea here is to remove yourself from the situation. That means stop hanging out with people who are doing heroin, because the minute they pull some out to do some your going to want to do it, and you will, maybe not that first time but eventually you will. and for opiate addicts eventually is usually not very long. Unfortunately these people are often your close friends. This does not mean you never have to see them again, but probably for a few months at least. Also don't hang out with your dealer or people who have easy access to the drug, even if they don't use it. Whenever i was trying to kick, i had to delete my dealers number, and the numbers of anyone who i knew had his number, or could get it somewhere else. If you cant get the drug, then you wont do the drug. Also if you don't have access to it, you'll never have to fight with yourself over if you should go and get some or not. By taking away one of the options, the decision to use or not got a lot easier. One of my biggest problems when kicking was i basically felt like shit all the time. I'm not talking about the acute withdrawal everyone goes through the first few weeks after they stop. I'm talking months later. I dont know your situation but by the time i got of heroin i was underweight, malnourished, out of shape and generally sick and unhealthy. Improving your physical health is a must when recovering from opiate addiction. First comes food: eating and thinking about food was the last thing i wanted to do when i was getting clean. I had a lot of residual nausea from detoxing and the medications i was taking weren't kind to my stomach either, but i just had to force myself to eat. Lots of food, lots of calories. Especially protein. protein rich foods contain the amino acids that your body needs to generate its neurotransmitters, including the feel good ones dopamine, seratonin, and norepinephrine. Also melatonin for sleep. Trust me, having a good diet is gonna make you feel way better, both physically and mentally. And that's kind of the whole point right: feeling good naturally so you don't have to do opiates to feel good. Sometimes it can be tough to eat a lot, but its well worth it. Another thing that helped me out was chocolate, for some reason when i kicked heroin i just couldn't get enough of the stuff. Idk if i was just craving sugar or if chocolate has some psychoactive compounds in it, but i always felt better after a few pieces. it helped me with cravings too. I highly recommened it. ok so i took a break in writing this. i walked to the gym, worked out, and walked back. walked up to my room and puked my guts out. fuck summer. fuck 103 degrees. anyway to the Original Poster:I think its great you want to make a change for you and your family. Id like to help you and i have alot more to cover: ecxersize, spirituality, lifestyle changes, relationships, medication, other drugs that dont ruin your life, more neet shit, blah blah blah. if your interested and will take my advice seriously then id be happy to continue writing. if not then im gonna relax cuz im fuckin tired. let me know. peace -Blitz
Blitz/bottlefed i just wanna say thanks for helping me. First I wanna say that my daughters are with there mothers.. the woman im currently with i dont have any kids with. My wife or my "boo" as she would like to call it is feeling alot better the last time i visited her. I Know that me and her both want this more then anything, It seems the hardest part for us right now is the cravings itself, I can def relate to the chocolate addiction, I have MOOOWWEED hersey bars the past few weeks, But i still feel shitty and empty. Ive been trying to eat as best I can. Also im curious I know that i am going to come to point where i would liKe to get off the subs but im scared the longer i use it that the withdrawals from it are going to be a bitch. Ive been trying so hard to keep myself out of situations where they could lead me into using, ive stopped hanging out with the shitbags an socalled "friends" it seems like im so alone sometimes after ive shut off my phone and ive stopped talking to people. It seems like the people dont use know my past record so they steer the other way if i try to call them. It seems i only have my family an my daughters an my wife. Dont get it twisted I love them to death. there are times im on like a pink clowd and everythings perfect but the shit evaporates and i end up falling, hard. It seems more frequent when i try to cut down from my subs my mood is everywhere.. i have alot of friends that are recovering from this.. and out of 25 maybe 2 percent went to long term treatment and out of 25 only 2 still havent relapsed. sometimes it just seems like so much Do i put myself in a longterm treatment pay up the ass, do the 12 steps. or do i continue to take subs and pray, or do i jus go along withthe same shit ive been doing. I notice that when i burn a blunt that everything seems to feel alot better, stress,anxieity (sp?) depression, it all goes away and i get sleepy and hungry. but then again i dont really wanna replace one drug with another, and i know im doing that with the subs. I have alot of respect for people that go through the longterm treatment because its hard, the longest ive ever stayed somewhere was 3 weeks and i was PUMPED to be out after that. and id go a few months without doin nothing find a good job.. start making really good money and then id find myself getting into trouble again maybe it was the money? or maybe it was me telling myself i could just do it this week i wont do it for another few months.. but then it turns into every other weekend into every couple days then into everyday then i loose that good job, and money starts to become a problem. it sucks to say the least. I just know this time i have to stay away, all or nothing. it seems like the rockbottom for me can get very deep and everytime i THINK i hit it, it gets deeper, so i just want to start climbing out of the hole along with my boo, I hear alot of people (former addicts) telling me i should try to hit a meeting every day, i find that when i hear the war stories that i can almost taste dope in my mouth and it gets VERY hard for me to stay still, same with my girl. But other times when im at meetings i feel alot better, an that im finally starting to recover. I mean its saturday night 1130 i should be out at the bar with my friends right? wrong im home on the computer talking about how i wanna stay clean, so thats a start right? and by the way im the same way when it comes to the heat blitz FUCK 103 degrees i walk outa my house and im in the car for 2 mins before the ac is cold and im soaked in sweat and for days on end, thankk the lord for AC and my inground pool. But on a serious note thank you guys alot and i will take your advice without a doubt
hey man i just glanced at the forum on my way to bed and saw your post. tomorrow ill get on and work with you some more but i already took my sleeping pills and am gonna be unconscious in about 5 minutes lol have a good night everybody.
Bomb, Know this and know this now, You are never alone. Taking the steps to remove yourself from the triggers of use is a great first step. Dont stop there, move to within your own personal boundry and remove those triggers as well. What I mean is things say within your house or your car that you used for getting high (any tools of the trade, maybe a place where u sat and did it....etc) Rearrange your furniture, believe it or not, it makes a difference. I understand where youre coming from when you talk about treatment and money. Shit can get House Payment high. Do some research on your area/town, see if something might be available based on income level. They are out there just might not be in your area. Your lonliness makes sense, specially while your girl is currently held up somewhere else. Just know that your story has been told countless times by, what seems, a limitless number of people. The good thing about that is you can reach out, just like your doing here. Its one of the most important steps brother and your doing it. Were gonna be here so you dont have to worry about that. Even though your daughters dont live with you, They are KEY to your recovery. Its absolutely imperative you continue to reach out to them, make sure they play a big part in your day to day life, not saying they dont already, just saying its important. SUBS. At this point stop worrying about how you'r gonna get off Subs. Keep your focus on NOT using, getting off Subs can be dealt with later, unless you do not have a steady supply, if thats the case, i missed it and is there anyway for you to get a script. Just dont have time right now to read back through. Bomb, Its extremely important that you do your best to eat right. Even eating a little of the right stuff is alot better than either not eating at all or eating crap. Neither helps you repair during recovery. If you can exercise! Recovery. Only you will know what works for you. Rehab, meetings, a mentor to reach out to, activities that take you the farthest away from use.....etc! Experience all you can so it can allow you the best options to choose. Another point that you need to understand is this: Its OK TO FAIL. Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. Its probably already happened and it could very well happen again. Whats important here for you is DO NOT use this concept as a crutch, a path or an excuse to use. Just know thats hitting a bump in the road does indeed make recovery uncomfortable, but it does NOT mean its over! Brother, im here to tell you that all of us, in one way or another, least those of us who want to quit, have been or could be, going through exactly what you are going through. It may not necessarily be the same path, the same DOC but the fact is addiction can wear many different faces but the DNA is the same. Keep giving it 100%, the best you can. Talk to us whenever you need to. Im sure i can speak for some here and say, we are behind ya and will do what we can to support!!
This was a good thread to read today. I'm in a similar boat; i started doing heroin again for afew months, this time i didnt go back to shooting, but i moved out of state, and it still fucks with me, and i drink alot now. it seems like i switched chemicals, ha!....anyway, its hard to find interest in doing anything because of the depression, anxiety, hating myself, etc...
Well Stoner, come along for the ride man, can't have to many on the Quit Train, where the only thing were dosing is reality! Seriously man, join in, not many of us here that don't need the help, myself included.
whats goin on guys.. its like 8th or 9th day clean today.. I feel like shit, I have this headache that just wont go away. I think it jus could be stress, But ive started to eat 3 meals a day again yay, pancakes, pasta for lunch and stake for dinner NOM NOM NOM NOM, Right now im just feeling for my girl.. shes in such a shit hole of a place.. I couldnt take her calls at all today because of lack funds on my credit card, my unemployment dosent hit my account till tuesday. I keep getting letters from her and there just so godamn sad.. she draws me pictures of our fav animal witch is a bear, and its jus sucks, like shes my best friend and im so powerless over the things that are going on with her, other girls have been hitting me up on facebook wanting me to chill.. kind of hinting around getting high.. an i just couldnt do that to her.. its playing mind games with me.. like i know my girl wouldnt find out about it..but its just that awful gulity feeling. The only time ive left the house today was to go the general store to buy like 10 dollars worth of candy and some scratch tickets hoping to hit it big, even a couple grand would make me happy. My girls out aug 11th, witch im very excited about is right around the conner, I think the plan for me and her is to stay on the straight and narrow. maybe blaze alittle bit. and hopefully find some jobs after we come back from our vacation.. I forgot to mention were heading down to south carolina, myrtle beach sept 11th. Shes has written me so many letters and i feel like such a shitbag for not even writting one back, i have a pad of paper and pen in front of me im just really not sure what to write. Most likely things just to keep her spirits high, and how we are going to lock each other in my room for 48 hours and have mad crazy sex. Im so thankful to have you guys talk to me, that understand where im coming from. my own brother my flesh and blood hates even when i bring up any subject involving me and drugs. my sister on the other hand will talk to me but dosent really understand exactly how im feeling what im going through. Im just greatful that shes there. this weekend has been so fucking crazy. My younger brother and younger sister moved out, so it seems like its just me and my parents witch both work the most crazyiest hours just so they can keep a roof over my head. Sooo that leaves me by myself with 2 kitty cats, a fish. my xbox360. an a shitty laptop that i cant even really watch porn on because it will overheat and shut off. I have friends just most of them at my age are all working.. the normal ones anyway.. I still got my lincoln LS witch suprisingly is such a trigger for me.. because i used to get high in it alot.. Like im not going to go off and trade in my car because everytime i look at it i wanna shoot a bag. Ill just have to get over it.. ive been starting to really space out my subs and i am perscribed them.. my doc i think is a quack.. i pay him 230 dollars for a script of 60 subs. and he dont even piss test me. its just give me the cash and i write you the script kind of thing. im so fucking bored tonight. all my ciggys are gone. I guess i could watch a new episode of falling skys if i get bored enough. I feel like when i start to get sober that im like learning everything over again, like how to have fun naturaly without sticking a needle in my arm, and naturaly being happy with just blazing a blunt here or there. I even had a crazy idea of starting to sell some trees just to make alittle extra money on the side, but with my open case it probably wouldnt be the brightest ideas. Ive been trying to keep postive.. i keep going on facebook and looking at all the pictures of me my family my daughters my girl.. over and over.. it seems to be one of the only things that really calms me down. lately ive been talking to people that have been like 5-10-15 years sober, and they just relapse like just out of thin air.. and im like fuck.. is there really no hope? I mean is really once your an addict its always going to be there.. and all depending on self control is what you get out of this recovery? Im finding everything just to be so over whelming lately i dont know weather to go forward,backward. up down around whatever.. I just know i have to be strong.. i cant let herion win, i cant give up my morals my dignity my daughters my wife my family for a 2 min rush and a high that lasts a half hour and puts a whole in my wallet and life. but after a while.. i start to almost like daydream about it.. like im glutten for punishment i dont know if i worded it right. I ran a mile today. sweated my balls off and then went for a swim after.. felt really good. Well im gona go NOM NOM NOM NOM some captain crunch maybe go on a hunt for a ciggy and go lay down. Hope to hear from you guys later.. hopefully i get my Iphone4 back from the pawn shop this week (long story.. im sure you can understand) and ill shoot you guys my number or something (no homo) nite guys
Sup Bomb. WRITE YOUR FUCKING GIRL A LETTER. Do it now, dont even finish what i've written here. When we talked about changing triggers, things, people and surroundings that could trigger use, those are not the only things that need to be changed. The big picture change is your lifestyle. Changes above are only small parts of your lifestyle. Attitudes, desires, what makes you feel good are also parts and they need to be modified. Shes going through some of the same things you are and it sure as hell isnt fair if she takes the time, makes the effort and you dont. She will play a huge part of your recovery when she gets home, She could be the trigger that gets you to use again or the motivational force that keeps you clean. Either way she deserves a return in kind! Gonna be plenty of days where you will fill like shit, Thats a given. Glad to hear you got out of the house and went on a short run. I'd repeat that on a daily basis, your motivation needs repair like everything else, so every little bit helps. YOur doing good man, keep it up. Everyday you dont use increases the distance from the last to you did. High 5s.....
whats goin on bottle, blazed outa my tree right now.. just ate a box of cookies and a half of pound of pasta. think i might go write the woman some letters. i was concidering taking a naked picture and sending it to her lol, im feelin alot better. ive helped both my brother and sister move out today, kinda got sad that im the oldest and living with my rents. I think its time me and my girl should get out and rent a house or something even a nice condo, I think more responsibilitys would be good because i wouldnt get bored, there for thinking of getting high. i hung out with good people tonight witch was my sister and a bunch of 20 year old girls (im loyal not a shitbag). getting blazed while watching blow. did i mention i ate? maaaaad food son
Thats the kinda of changes im talking about. Most of the time those addicted dont have the opportunity to do things like move out and get ur own place. Thats a big jump and one that will help a ton. Do it, just make sure its for the right reasons....! Bed time, lets hope i can stay in it longer than 3 hrs at a time!!
