Jealous Older Lover has Abused My Trust

Have you ever been cheated on? What did you do about it? I'm frigging heart broken and it's so bloody hard...

Please bare with me, it's a tad long, but I reaaaallly need advice, and I'm too ashamed to tell my friends! The bits in red are important parts to it but u can skip to the bottom bit that says PROOF if u cba to read it all. But I'd appreciate it if you did. x

Basically, I've been seeing this guy for nearly 9 months now. We met online, he's 27 and I'm 18. We knew each other about 7 months before we met in october last year. Although we live 150 miles apart, things were beautiful! So fucking perfect- well I thought they were. Romantic dinners, expensive gifts, showered with love, praise and compliments. We also get along like a house on fire, falling in love really quickly. We're so compatible, our age doesn't even show.

But things turned a bit weird after January. Cos my parents hadn't met him at the time, I wasn't allowed to go to his town and spend New Years with him. Money was tight for him at the time and he couldn't afford to get down to me. Everyday was frustrating for us, he was all depressing cos he couldn't see me, and we had a few rows, but nothing major.

After a month of not seeing each other he came down on the 16th January and met my parents for the first time, then took me to a hotel for the night after a lovely meal and drinks. He has a very high sex drive, whenever he's with me it's hard-ons left right and centre, which has concerned me. He just says it's me who turns him on so much and no other woman can do it to him. But I've asked him about his sexual past and he'd told me he'd slept with 9 women.

One of these woman was a chick, let's call her Slag. He claimed to have slept with her in July/August of last year, way before he met me. He said it was shit, one time and he didn't even come. He had her on his Facebook, and it never bothered me. I'm not really the jealous type, and i accept that he can have female friends! It really doesn't affect me. He's the opposite, though, and since January he's been watching me like a fucking hawk. Whenever I go out with my mates he gets jealous and upset, he asks me who guys are on my fb, who i talk to online (I have a few online male mates). He accused me of cheating on him before, just cos I didn't answer my phone for half an hour. Whenever I don't, he's asking me where I am, what I'm doing and who I'm with. His paranoia suddenly escalated out of knowhere and it was really getting me down. I got cold towards him, and even though he'd come and see me still, and he even treated me to a romantic weekend away in his hometown, I couldn't help but feel that he was getting really obsessive with me. And i resented his behaviour.

I asked him a few times why he was like that, cos I know of a few men that act protective have something to hide. He's insisted he did absolutely nothing, and could never be unfaithful to me. He says if I did the same to him, he'd go mental and smash up the guy. Ya know, things like that. I'd never dream of cheating anyway, he knows my thoughts on it and I am extremely moral. He agreed with me and was so passionate about men who cheat on their gfs.

Anyway, this is all relevent, cos it might aid your reply to me (If i get any )

A few months ago, he admitted to me that he lost his virginity to me. Due to his past (Not gonna go into it) he never got the chance to sleep with a woman, and he thought I'd think he was less of a man if he told me sooner. I was thrilled! Those women were never there! Especially SLAG. I felt special for ages after that. He told me I was the only woman he's been with sexually, gone down on and fingered. He'd recieved a few blowjobs from two women. Told me SLAG was one of them but there was no sex. I accepted this as the truth.

But, sadly, I was lied to yet again. Whenever he's at mine, he uses my computer. When he logs into fb and leaves for a second, he logs out. I don't do that, cos I have nothing to hide. But he always looks through my page when I'm out the room, and I know this cos when I walk back in, he closes it down- Can you be anymore obvious???

Anyway, one day I'd had enough. I said to him "U always go through my page. Let me go through yours then." He was acting odd and delaying it like "let me just get dressed first". He logged in in the end and I had a look at his settings. The 'In a relationship with...' was hidden from one girl that he claimed to have dated a while back. I asked him about it and he just shrugged like it was an accident. Anyway i went to his inboxes and saw messages between him n his mates, didnt read them. But then I saw SLAGs name come up. I looked at him, he didn't even seem nervous. I opened them and saw lots of convo between them like WTF. I was RAGING. Cos I saw glimpses, he was referring to me as his ex and a psycho. I was so upset. I didn't get a chance to read it as he grabbed the mouse and logged out. We got in a fight and I threw him out.

I broke up with him and went to the park with my mate, crying trying to forget it but he kept ringing me and hunted me down. He spoke to me, begged forgiveness saying nothing happened and it was just convo. I asked why he wouldnt let me read it and he said it was because she was coming onto him and he didnt want to upset me. I said I didn't believe him, cos whys that a reason to hide the convo from me? I asked why he called me his ex, even though we weren't even broken up at the time. We hadn't even had a fight. He managed to talk me back into his arms and it seemed okay.

I couldn't get the messages from my mind, i asked him if i could see them and he was dithering like a bastard the next day. He said he'd text me his pw, even though he didnt have credit. I got so angry and thrashed him. He logged in eventually but lo and behold they were gone. I was with him the whole time the day before, so how had they gone? Then I realised, he must have gotten his mate to delete them whilst he was hunting me down. I was devastated and that made me even more suspicious. But he still managed to convince me that it was nothing, and he was only protecting me from what she was saying cos apparently she was being horrible about me and asking questions and basically being a slag and asking him out. That still wasn't good enough a reason for it to be deleted in my eyes so i took matters into my own hands.

I hacked his facebook 2-3 weeks after cos it was going round and round in my head, making me paranoid. I emailed a new pw to myself and logged in easily. I did this at 2am cos I knew he'd be sleeping.I was debating doin it cos thats a breach of trust and it's very sly, but I needed to know!

PROOF

So I checked his messages straight away and they were back, cos he'd messaged her again saying "Sorry about my gf. Give me your number and I'll call you. Don't message her again please. x" Cos basically, after that shit happened weeks before, i inboxed her mouthing her off cos of what he'd told me about her comin onto him! How wrong was I. I scrolled up and it was HIM. He was coming onto HER. And whats worse, is I found out they HAD slept together. He was talking to her on our anniversary saying stuff like how she rides soooo good and he misses her socks that she wore... I feel sick thinking about it. And he also said she was soo tight and next time he sees her he's going to suck her little pussy. She's like sooo much smaller than me, she's so skinny and so fucking ugly u wouldnt believe! She has a kid as well, and is just an all over tramp. She wasnt even coming onto him, he was being so gross and she was just writing "LOL" Most of the time. This was May 10th, but after that there were more messages saying things like 'Wanna link up?' and things like that. He even said we werent together at one point cos i lived too far away.

I was devastated, I rang him after some consideration and first of all didnt mention it. But then I asked him if he'd cheated on me. I said no. I asked again, then he said no. I said I saw the messages, he said I was deluded. I told him I hacked in, then he got mad. I told him to come and see me immediately, but he had no petrol. We ended up on the phone for hours, til like 6am. He told me yeah they had slept together but a few days after our first date. I didn't believe him, cos why else were there messages on May10th talking about sex as if it happened not long ago? He said it was the biggest mistake of his life, and he never went back. I asked why he kept asking to link again and again. He said He was only jealous cos he thought i was chatting to loads of men and he was trying to get his own back. I didnt believe him. He swore to me over and over it was before we properly became a couple. I didn't believe him. I had an inkling.

He came to see me, we carried on arguing about it for 2 days. He was so adamant it happened when he said it did. He said he didn't come, he hated it and felt sick and wanted only me after that moment. Still didnt add up. If he didnt enjoy it, why say things like that to her?? I was gutted, so gutted, I couldnt eat or sleep. He saw what he was doing to me and still denied me the truth. He kept saying he loved me to death and I owned him and He'd never do anything to hurt me. I still couldnt buy it. He rang her in front of me from my phone cos she doesnt have my number obvs, with loudspeaker on saying "Yeah my missus is doing my head in about it all, even tho we only slept together once she thinks it was loads of times." She was just giggling like "yeah i know." And he said "Dont message her" she said OK.

But she text back to my phone, and I took the chance and text back pretending to be him. She bought it the dumb slag, and Said she tried to cover up the "socks" thing cos i confronted her via inbox after i read the messages saying she shouldnt be sleeping with other ppls bfs. She denied it of course. But I knew she'd be honest with him. I then text her saying "we can't do this anymore u do realise?" and she goes "What do u mean by that..." So i said it again and she said "I dont get it" Which confused me. I started thinking maybe they had only slept together once. So I told her to inbox me the truth. And she obliged.

She sent me a message saying he'd done it once. I asked when, she said that it was april of this year. I asked what went down. She said, they were on chat, and she was miserable and home alone so he offered to go over. He went there at like half eleven, and had a fag telling her he had a great GF but things were difficult and we werent together and was trying to work things out with me. She said there was no kissing, no intimacy, no foreplay. She said they didn't use anything, and he left 20-30 minutes after he arrived. Then he inboxed her the next day saying "Dont talk to me again, I love my girlfriend." I confronted him with this information. he got angry at me for prying and said she was lying about it being in April. But after a short storm out, he came back, tears in his eyes saying he couldnt lie anymore. He admitted he slept with her, and their stories matched. Except he said he used a condom, and that it was in January time, not April. He said he felt sick with guilt and struggled to come, so they stopped. She said it never happened again. So I believe it was one time.

I'm so upset about it all! I don't know what to do. He told me he'd cheated one time in january and that he regrets it to the death and it was the biggest mistake ever. he said after he lost his V to me in october, he wanted to experiment with another woman to see if he got the same feeling. I asked why he'd even needed to. He said he was a dick and wasnt thinking. He hadn't seen me in a month and wanted sex but he got nothing from it cos it wasn't me. I'm so devastated by it all! The messages are burnt into my brain u dont understand... If he regretted it, why was he still messaging her saying lets link??? Telling her how great it was. I'm so confused. Please tell me if I'm being stupid... I'm still undecided. I love him so much, I've always said "Once a cheater always a cheater" but he insists he's been faithful since and will always be cos he felt disgusting from it, and he never wanted me to find out. He says he wants me forever... What should I do??

 

he just can't stop lying, can he? i'm sure you two will be quite happy together.

 

You sound so switched on. Honestly, I think you're so clued up, you know he's no good, and you know we wont say it's all going to be ok and he deserves another chance. He's lied consistently. He's shown he's not capable of providing the kind of relationship you want and deserve. You're young and clever and can do better. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but most of us have a rocky start with men. He's messed up and that's his fault. Look after you and don't go with your feelings when your head is screaming with alarm bells and evidence of deceit.

 

Well, you are only 18. So it's understandable when you say this is the first time something like this has happened to you. If you're smart, it will only happen a few more times before you wise up in picking the guys you hang out with. The solution is obvious of course. Cut him off clean. It sounds like you may need a restraining order, and will probably risk getting shot once you tell him you never want to see him again. But in the end it will be worth it, because there are so many guys out there who will treat a woman the way she should be treated. The vagina is in short supply and high demand; use it to your advantage.

 

you said it yourself - 'once a cheater, always a cheater'

why isn't he dumped already?

 

"The vagina is in short supply and high demand" I like that. I know I can go out there and do better. Thank you. It's just difficult to let go... I want to believe him and I want to try and move on from it. Everytime I look at him I hate him with a passion, but another part aches and wishes he'd never done it cos I really do love him. You guys don't believe in second chances? Is this too far gone for a second chance?

He gave me the option last night cos he knows he's ripping me apart, that I could sleep with someone else. I'm not going to take him up on it. That's not going to make everything automatically better is it?

 

So you sleep with someone else and that cancels out his behaviour? That is sooooo weird!
Get the fuck out of this "relationship" now!

 

Second chances work sometimes. Not in a case like this...

You will NEVER forget this. It will stay with you forever. You'll never trust him and if you stay with him for a while THEN break up with him, you more than likely will never trust anyone.

Getting cheated on is the same as getting beaten in a relationship...you just don't get over it, no matter how much they "regret" it and you can carry the fear and insecurity for the rest of your life if you don't act and resolve it within yourself...

I was in an abusive relationship with a guy who cheated on me. I stayed with him for an extra few months and it still took me years before I could fully trust someone again

 

second chances, sure. after all the lies we've heard from this guy, this feels more like chance 34.

it doesn't matter. you're going to stay with him anyway, and then this thread will repeat itself in a few months.

 

Guys he's gone. I took your advice. Thank you so much. I can do millions better. You guys are so right, I was being a fool. I'm no one's mug. xx

 

I didn't read the whole thing, but just two general rule of thumbs:

If someone is jealous, they're usually the type that shouldn't be trusted.

If someone is going out with someone much younger; there's usually a reason, and it usually isn't good.

 

I never understand how its the female who attack the other girl, when its the man doing all the shit.

Your only 18, and you seem vulnerable. Plus both of ya'll are long distance so of course he's going to cheat again, or flirt with other women.

HELLO why haven't he had sex before if he's 26 or w.e, thats very strange........

 

If you mean "much younger" as in older men with teenagers, you may be right. I was taken for a fool by older men as a teen. Some are still vulnerable at 18, and it can be a grey area.

If you mean age gaps between adults, you're plain wrong. Even a twenty year gap can mean absolutely nothing other than a mature young person and a young at heart older person. Halve that and it's not even worth mentioning. You do reach a certain mental age where you can be an equal with all kinds of people. It's just not always 18.

Experiences like the OP's can help the process, I've found. He's helping her to wise up, and as long as she gets out now, there'll be minimal damage in the long run.

 

It of course needs pointing out that good guys can do long distance without it automatically meaning they're fucking other women. Men don't need regular sex with women in order to survive. Only fucking losers would use distance as an "excuse" for cheating in a serious relationship.

He had. He lied. Repeatedly. It's really obvious that he had.

However, some guys don't have sex until they're 26 and turn out to be perfectly normal, decent people. It can be mental health issues, social anxiety etc.

 

it's true, what a fucking asshole he must be. we need to pass a law where all 18-year-old virgins are euthanized.

 

I'm in a serious relationship and it's long distance, this shit is HARD, I get sexually frustrated and I honestly do think about cheating.

 

The older you get, the larger of a gap is acceptable. Truly, it comes down to maturity more than age. But people don't fully mature (as neurology has come to prove) until their mid-20s; and until then, they should keep the gap relatively low.

 

When this relationship ends, and it will...do yourself a big favor and figure out why you were willing to put up with all of his crap. If you don't, you'll end up dating someone else just like him.

Good luck.

 

Normally you put up with a bunch of crap because you don't consider yourself to be worth much.

 

Age differences are fine.

But where either person is substantially older, AND one person is not really done maturing (under 22, ish) there's someone getting played hard.

It's like high school seniors dating freshmen..... It CAN be okay, but 99% of the time it's highly dishonorable in it's aims, even on both of their parts.