Abusive boyfriend with baby, dont know what to do HELP!

I have known this guy for over 10 years. We drank together and occasionally slept together. Then eventually he moved in with me.

He lived a good distance from me so him moving in was OK. We drank together and partied, had a lot of the same friends, and he introduced me to a lot of people.

After a couple months I started seeing some warning signs. He kept me from leaving, partied with other people, yelled at me for random things and started acting irrationally. Once he tried to swallow a whole bottle of pills and I had to pull them out of his mouth. I called his father, who he used to live with. His father did not want him back but advised me to make sure that he was taking his meds. This was the first I had heard of his being bi-polar.

I would ask him to leave and sometimes he would and sometimes he just refused. I did care about him still at that time so I allowed him to come back on occasion. Especially when he claimed to have nowhere else to go.

I didn’t think I could get pregnant so we were not using protection, and even though I knew he slept around a lot, I enjoyed the sex. Well I enjoyed it at first. But then it became more and more of a chore because he got angry if I didn’t want to have sex with him, and I always had to please him orally, which I used to like until he kind of ruined the enjoyment for me. He rarely returned the favor, and when he did it was rough and unpleasant.

I did end up getting pregnant, of course, when I was trying to get him to leave and wanted desperately to end the relationship. He would guilt me into having sex with him, or threatens not to leave unless it was one more time. Things like that, or purposely get me drunk, knowing it would lower my inhibitions and that I was still physically attracted to him and did enjoy the sex sometimes on occasion when he wasn’t screaming at me, or throwing things or accusing me of cheating on him every day.

Not trying to excuse the pregnancy; it takes two. But with both of us drinking all the time, partying, and no job between us I wanted to have an abortion. Being drunk and coerced into guilt sex was not a good reason to have a baby, or a healthy environment to raise one in, in my opinion. Not to mention I doubted he would be an ideal father. When he found out he refused the idea of an abortion and told my whole family I was pregnant to shame me into having it. It worked. I really felt like the choice was taken from me, but a small part of me really did want to have the baby, I just wasn’t sure about the father.

I decided for the sake of our daughter I would attempt to make it work and we moved in together again. Now he stopped drinking for the pregnancy but also stopped taking his bi-polar medication. He would go into rages about small things, but I thought, lets just stick this out, I know he is going through a rough time as well, and it was based on other circumstances as well. Financial issues always at the top, but between us both we managed to make it ok. His Dad helped a lot with bills and a lot of other things preparing for the baby, and he had a ton of support from his family. This was another reason I tried to stick it out. For reasons beyond anyone, at the time’s control, but he promised after the baby was born he would go back on his meds.

A few times before the baby was due I could not take anymore. He threw things at me, hit me in my sleep , would literally scream in my ear to the point where the police were called. So I left. Saying I would return once the baby was born as long as he was back on his medication.

He did not like this at all. It was a constant stream of thousands, I saved them, and thousands of emails, texts, phone calls, all threatening to have me arrested for one thing or another (he has two uncles on the police force). Once when I threatened to call the police (when he hit me, he always made sure there were no marks, or did it just light enough not to leave marks, but to scare me and let me know he would) he scratched his neck and in a really evil voice said “Who do you think they will believe?”.

I was welcome at my mother’s house but I always felt bad for him dealing with his medical issues alone. After all he would be a good father when back on his medication, after a couple weeks of harassment he always turned nice, and stupid me, I always fell for it. I knew I didn’t really want to be with him but I really wanted to try for the baby. Somehow he could always twist things to make them seem like my fault.

When the baby was born he was supposed to go back on his meds but said he did not need them. I hoped things would get better, that he would just start treating me better once he saw the baby.

I was, however, scared that he could have me arrested for something I did not do. The attacks got worse, not necessarily hitting me but pretending like he was going to and forcing me to listen to him as he screamed at me, over and over, sometimes all night long, keeping me up all hours of the night. I knew him to not really be like this when on his meds and a totally different friendly person when drinking. I almost wished he would drink even though, for medical reasons he couldn’t.

It had gotten so bad with him threatening to lie and say I was being abusive to my child and him, I didn’t really know what to do. Everyone told me to call the police but I didn’t because of family and my daughter, and the fear of them taking his word over mine for two reasons. (1. I had been in trouble with the law several times before and 2. He has direct family in the police force who I had heard stories of what they did to people who messed with their family, from their own mouths). So to protect myself, every time he got in one of his moods where he got physically and emotionally abusive I went in front of my computer and turned the web cam on discretely. In case he ever tried to claim things that didn’t happen.

At this point my daughter was already a couple weeks old and I was watching TV in the babys room / computer room. His phone, which was left near me, rang. It had an overly obnoxious ring, so I silenced it because I was trying to watch my show. I figured he heard it and would check to see who it was later. He did hear it, and he came in, holding our newborn, furious! I tried to laugh it off with, “sorry honey”.

“So you think you can just hang up on my friends?” He says.

I have a bad feeling at this point. I’m laying on the futon and try to explain I just silenced it so I could hear my show. I figured he heard it and would come in when he was done, which is what happened because it was like 10 minutes later when he came in.

I get a little angry with him expecting me to drop everything to bring him his phone and say so. At that point, still holding our daughter he attempts to kick me in the face. I moved out of the way and he barely caught me, but I was like “WTF you are HOLDING our baby!!” At that he dropped her in the crib and started to come after me at which point I hit the key that auto starts the webcam. This incident didn’t last too long.

After that I decided I was done and was going to leave. I had plenty of video evidence of him physically and emotionally attacking me and thought that might be enough to ward off any false accusations against me.

When I leave it is not pretty. For circumstances I do not care to discuss he kept the baby. I know he loved her and it was probably me that was making him so angry, and I did not want to separate her from her father. He really did seem good with her and even now, with the concerns I have I am sure he still is. Our daughter was about three months old at this time. This was a mistake on my part, because he used her against me. He did not like me “leaving our family” and because it was his place and I didn’t have a place to go at the time, he kept sole custody and used it to punish me.

About a month later we were getting along a bit better even though he still refused to take meds, making up every excuse in the book not to. He told me I could come spend time with my daughter, to just leave him alone, which sounded great to me. Of course when I went there it was a whole different story. He wanted me to tell him all the guys I was talking to, how could I leave my daughter (meaning him) and that I was a dead beat. I took it all and tried to make it OK to just spend more time with my daughter.

Now at this time I was on probation for driving without a license. That was one of the things I was worried about, being on probation automatically makes you look like the bad one. So I was trying to be really nice. When I saw him getting a little frustrated I said I had to go. He knew I couldn’t drive yet so he wanted to know who was waiting for me, which was actually a guy, but just a friend. I knew he would not see it that way so I said I called a cab, which he did not believe. I grabbed the few things he set aside for me, my DVD collection, my deceased sister’s photographs and a laptop with my sister’s things on it.

When he stood in front of the door and told me I was not going anywhere I could see that familiar look in his eye that he was serious and bad things were about to happen. So I ran out to the second story balcony and jumped off.

About half an hour after I got where I was staying, the police showed up asking for a stolen laptop and had an arrest warrant for pushing him.

This is the quote from the arrest warrant:
“When the defendant tried to steal property from the residence the assailant pushed him from out of the doorway, then ran and jumped off the balcony”

Now being female aside, I’m actually taller and probably stronger than him, even pound by pound, so I guess on paper that would be plausible. But why would ANYONE push someone out of a doorway then jump off a second story balcony? Luckily that little piece of honesty is what got the case dropped as well as the knowledge of the video, although recording someone without their permission isn’t admissible in court. Not to mention the thousands upon thousands of emails, texts, and social networking messages, from just the couple months we were living apart, most threatening to have me arrested for false accusations, including molesting my daughter.

Nothing happened to him for making this false accusation. He had a restraining order against me for fear of his life that got dropped by the courts as well.

I did a month in jail for that because I was on probation and they will not release you until your case is resolved. Any arrest is a violation even if found not guilty or charges are dropped.

When I got out of Jail I was told by her family, who all on some level liked me, that he was back on his meds and I should attempt to see my daughter again. I was wary, but it had been a couple months. So he was being a lot nicer and started letting me see my daughter, even though half the time he would change his mind and threaten to call the police if I didn’t bring her back. He wanted me to spend more time with him. Try to get back together, that’s all he talked about and was always really nice when I was there but as soon as I left, the nasty texts, emails, and messages would come. If I had my daughter, I not only had to answer every one of his calls but also had to talk about our relationship, so basically argue with him. It was very taxing but at least I got to see my daughter.

A few times he would want to go out with his friends and said I could stay on the couch in the living room so I could watch my daughter. Then he wouldn’t go out, and would try to talk about everything I did wrong in the relationship until he ordered me to get out.

I found a way to just kind of ignore him and was overly nice and took him shopping and to dinner with our daughter and tried to clean around the house. He took this in his head that we were back together so he did actually start to be nicer. I could actually see the difference with the meds and again thought, maybe this could work for our daughter. I told him if he stayed on his meds and we didn’t have any episodes for a while, a long while, like a year, then we could attempt to try again. He took this to mean we were back together and when he would try to have sex with me and I refused he would not let me take my daughter for a visit. I eventually gave in to sex in order to take my daughter. It was repulsive and I felt disgusted when he kissed me. Not every time, I did care about him at one point, but most the time. I do enjoy sex, very much, and I was working on too many things to meet new guys and in all honesty there were a few times when I wanted it too. I figured it we both knew that it was just sex. After all, we’d been having sex off and on for ten years, and all this craziness hadn’t started until that first time he tried to move in. Every time I tried to drop my daughter off, he wanted sex, and if I didn’t give him sex he would be sending me messages saying he “cannot do this anymore”, he’s “not letting me take my daughter again”, “its not fair to them” (meaning he didn’t think it was fair to him), and if I did have unwanted sex with him it would only postpone this craziness until the next day. The only thing that would satisfy him was for me to move in.

So during the first break up he had hacked my facebook, myspace and email account. He deleted every guy on there and messaged them telling them I was a dead beat mom and had STD’s and what kind of loser would date the biggest slut in my town.

So a couple months later, I’m visiting my daughter and get up to go to the bathroom, and he goes into my phone and sees my texts to my new bf. Needless to say I did not get to take my daughter, and he harassed the guy and the guy’s friends and family to the point that they could not take it, so he broke up with me and got a police order for him to leave them alone.

I was obviously angry, but what can I do? I am practically homeless and he has my child. He got even more angry when he found out I had gotten my license renewed and had decided to go to college. Now I could pick up my kid and try to make more money in the future to give her a better life. He said my priorities were wrong. Meanwhile, he doesn’t want to do anything besides collect child support (he doesn’t work). He claims he wants to go to school, and has a rich father who would more than help with that. But he just sits home with the baby, trying to make my life miserable and tells people I don’t pay child support although I pay the court the amount every month.

I recently got an order to appear in court on the basis I make more money. I am disabled and a full time student who takes student loans to pay my child support.

On top of that he hacked my gmail account this time and started talking to my current boyfriend in chat pretending to be me. When my bf realizes it isn’t me he stops and lets me know. I was fed up and went to the police to report the online fraud and to the court for a restraining order. They begrudgingly gave me a harassment order where I had to show all the evidence of harassment, to my other ex, to my current bf, my mom, my cousin and all of my friends.

He stopped messaging me directly but still harasses my mom, my bf and anyone else around me. The police told me they each need to get an order against him. So for the rest of my life everyone I know will have to go to court to get one of these if they do not want to be harassed by him.

I know I need a court order to see my daughter, but I am terrified of him, of what he will do if he cannot get his way. I would not put it past him at this point to harm her just to prove the courts wrong, or accuse me of molesting or abusing her (he’s already threatened to do this). I could never live with an accusation like that.

I don’t know what to do, I miss my kid.Sorry that was so long.

 

You have to love your child more than you're afraid of him. If you can't file for that reason alone and put a case together out of love and concern for her life, maybe it's best you not have her, either.

 

tldr.. Call 911..

 

walk away from the relationship even through its hard especially with a child

 

I have walked away, I'm done, I only wanted to try and make it work over a year ago because he is the father. I do not want anything to do with him personally, but he wont let me see the kid unless I do.

 

You look like Julian Assange :afro:

 

This is going to sound harsh, but your a fool for staying with him so long. You have endangered not only yourself, but your family and your own child. He is wrong, no doubt about that, but he also has a mental condition that can be very serious. I am dating a bi-polar women myself, the difference is she is not aggressive, not to other people, she is sad at times, but for the large majority of the time in control and never stops taking her medication. If you do not understand the disorder yet do some research. Once on medication, mood stabilizes for the most part, with just slight ups and downs, the lows can make some them feel like they are good to be on meds, but when they get an up, many stop taking the medication feeling they don't need it anymore. If he does not see he needs them that that is his problem, however, not doing something about this situation sooner, and not properly protecting yourself, your family and your CHILD is all on you. This is my nice version. Your story truly touched me I promise, but I find it extremely difficult to sympathize with you.

 

Very reasonable, as a woman I should have the upper hand with the law.

 

That's your reply to a thoughtful message?

It's not about having the upper hand. The child should be with the person who can best care for her.

 

Considering you have, or had, all the evidence of both mental and physical abuse, you should have done something, if it is not to late, you still should. If only to prove to him that you wont be bullied, and to protect your child. End the craziness before your daughter grows up in it.

 

you might want to contact a domestic violence organization

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showpost.php?p=6797366&postcount=7


not everyone who is bipolar is a domestic abuser. the problem is not just that he is bipolar and off meds, it's that he's also a domestic abuser.

if you are not ready to care for your child and she is still quite young, you might want to see if there is a good family that could adopt her

a domestic violence org may be able to help you with legal issues

I hope that things all work out!

 

If he abusing you, most likely he's abusing or going to abuse your daughter when he gets 'mad'. That's what I believe

Why in the hell you want your daughter to be staying with someone like that anyways, I don't care if he's her father. If he's not taking his pills then he shouldn't be with her.

 

After reading your post which was well written i thought well she seems

intelligent.....................

What i cant understand is how you got a child from a relationship that

didnt seem to be working..............

 

haha that made me laugh

as for the thread, honestly i didnt read the first post because i am lazy. but i'm going to agree with everyone

 

It isn't clear if he has court ordered custody. If he doesn't, get possession of the kid and get her out. Go to your mother's, listen to her when she forbids you to see him. Go to court so that she (who has much more sense than you do about this guy) has legal custody so your soft-headed soft-heartedness can't endanger your child.

In any case, contact a domestic abuse help line. No matter who has custody (legal or physical) they can help.

The safety of your kid is more important than being fair to this guy.

 

call the police

or cut off his dick

 

ill admit I didnt read much of it either holy crap ...maybe hes like that because you dont know how to shut up

 

ignore me btw,..im in a bad mood

 

Honestly....

We're only getting your side of the story, but I kind of get the feeling you haven't neccessarily been the better person throughout all of this...

Not trying to be judgemental, but from a woman's point of view....

Women can be total dumbasses when it comes to men. They always have been and always will be and thats okay.

However,

When a child comes along, its time to smarten up, sistah. You're a mama bear and its your responsibility to protect your bear cub. I get the impression custody was never decided in court. You have evidence of years and years of abuse. You owe it to your child to fight with everything you have, take that man to court, get your child, get a restraining order against him, and don't allow him to see your child until he starts taking his meds and gets some kind of therapy for his abusive tendencies.

Seriously. He may be a good father now, but he obviously has some issues with women. You can't really blame everything on being bipolar. There are some deep rooted issues involved with being a physically abusive person that go well beyond a mental disorder. He might be a good father to a child, but what about when your little girl hits puberty? Do you really want her living with someone that beats up on women when she starts dating and going through normal teenage rebellion?

You owe it to your child to provide her with a stable childhood. This involves a steady paycheck and a stable place to live. Get yourself in a good situation and take him to court. When you're a mama you can't let all the other bullshit cloud your vision. Get custody and move to another town if thats what it takes. You can't let him control your life forever because essentially its YOU thats allowing it. You can only blame things on other people for so long.

Ps, to avoid sounding totally unsympathetic: I understand somewhat the psyche of an abused woman. It wouldn't hurt to seek some kind of counseling to help you get past that mindset as well. Otherwise you'll raise a daughter that thinks just like you and ends up in a similiar situation.

 

It doesn't matter whether its a vicious dog or a dog suffering from rabies, your kid needs to be kept away from being bitten.