Friend trouble (ignore at will)

A good friend of mine has MRSA on his heart. He was a dope addict before I met him and he got MRSA from shooting up. The doctor told him to quit dope or he'd probably die. He got clean and I met him a few months later. He, a couple of our friends, and I would chill almost daily and I lost my virginity to him in a one night stand. We stayed just friends and things were going smoothly. Once in a while he'd say he was gonna go to Baltimore and get strung out, but I (and, I'm pretty sure, everyone else) thought he was joking. In June he left for Baltimore with a friend of ours that had helped him get clean. They parted ways there, she went off in one direction, he in another. Word recently reached the friend that had left him in Baltimore that he's strung out again.

I haven't spoken to him since he left in June. Hearing that he's strung out leaves me beyond angry with him. I know he doesn't care if he lives or dies, but there are so many people that care about him. I'm mad at him and it's so completely his fault that I can't fix it, which scares me because I'm fearful that I'll get the call telling me he's gone before I can make peace with him one last time.

I don't know how to cope. I'm too stressed to eat. I knew I should so I broke down and spent the last of my cash on soup, which my dad's friend ate before I had the chance to choke it down. I'm typing with a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. I have to work from midnight to 5:30 AM tonight but I don't know how I'll be able to cope with it. I haven't been able to sleep. Everything in my life feels numb, except the pain and anger which attack like knives.

I don't know how to handle it. I know alcohol isn't the answer, but all I want is to grab my sleeping bag and a bottle of whiskey, go under this bridge, and kick it for a night, drunk and safe from this emotional hurricane, if only temporarily.

 

My dear.. Harming yourself over other peoples actions isnt the answer.
Why bother to throw your own life away, because someone cant take care of their own...

Sort of a double standard you have going on there. You want him to take care of himself- he dont- and you follow him as an example?..

Best bridge is 2nd Avenue on the South Side end...

 

Bless your heart. I see so much of myself in you. You have so much compassion- if only you could bottle up that compassion and put it in our water supply, what a wonderful world it would be!!

However, you are a young friend of his, not his family, not a professional, not the person who perhaps played a role in his becoming so self loathing and self destructive, or a professional of any kind- and most importantly - YOU ARE NOT HIM - AND HE HAS FREE WILL , all the love, devotion, and time in the world will not change his ultimate decisions, and unlike the aformentioned groups, and due to your age as well sweetheart, YOU DO NOT have responsibillity in this matter!!

You have done more than your share, and you will always honor him by how you feel, and that will always be that eternal empathy and compassion for someone who obviously leads and very hurt and painful, injured life, but you can't change him. Keep in contact with your other friends and whatnot & watch Leaving Las Vegas and see how well Elizabeth Shue's efforts went with Nicholas Cage.

I am so sorry both you and he are experiencing such pain and loneliness.

 

I know it's hypocritical, but I can't fucking cope. And for my purposes I was leaning towards the Bloomfield side of the Bloomfield Bridge.

 

I don't know what to say to ease the pain you've caused yourself by becoming this attached to someone who is addicted to opiates and doesn't care if they live or die. You can do the cold and merciful thing and just forget about him or you can stay true to your feelings and burn, suffer, and cry until the day you get that awful phone call. I don't envy your options.

 

Do you have hairy legs uglypuppy??,., get an epilator, and you'll be in so much pain you'll forget about everything, and if you put that alcohol on your legs right after(warning), its a rush..

 

I like your writing style, that sounded like something out of a Burroughs novel, well minus all the crazy hallucinations that is.

William S Burroughs that is, not Edgar Rice

 

He wasn't addicted to opiates when I met him. When I met him he was happy and clever and indestructible. When I met him he'd walk around the apartment and sing Johnny Hobo lyrics and play skate. When I met him he told me to keep away from dope. When I met him we celebrated Taco on Mondays and he seemed happy being him. When I met him he sang along to the Lion King. When I met him he drunkenly tried to fight crackheads. When I met him he was a babyfaced 21 year old that the cops laughed at. When I met him he was one of the greatest human beings I knew.

I don't know why he decided to get strung out again. I don't know why he decided to be so selfish. I don't know why he quit caring if he lived or died. I don't know why he returned to something he told me I was better than. I just want him back.

After everyone got evicted from the apartment and went their separate ways I went through a nostalgic phase. I missed the magic of the apartment and was sure that there was no going back. I didn't realize how impossible going back could become.

 

title edited...do not make threads titled "fuck"

 

Because here at Hip forums threads about wanting to nail your sister or mum are ok, but swear words in thread titles bad

 

re-read the guidelines

and you dont see what gets deleted so you really dont have the info to judge

 

You haven't been very compassionate to me.

 

All I can say is that if you really want to save him then you would be saving him right now. Go and save him if it feels like the right thing to do, what you should do or what you want to do. If you don't at least try then you will never forgive yourself of abandoning your friend when you could have prevented his death.

If you don't want to save him enough to go and save him, then don't take it badly upon yourself. You have to know that his gift to you is to show you that sometimes people you love can be taken away, sometimes they take themselves away. You can accept that gift gracefully and move forward or you can take it badly and mourn the fact that what could have happened is not happening.

Really, you should only mourn that fact if you tried to make these things happen with all your strength, it is no good mourning wishes or prayers that don't come true, instead we must use action to shape our world the way we want it and learn through our actions and the actions of others. If our actions and contributions towards our concerns come to no avail, then we have more right to spend time in mourning.

I think Orison's posts, though short, offer some good thinking points for you.

 

I think you should walk into the mental health unit on the
South Side its open 24 hours, 7 days a week.
264 South 9th Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15203
Need help? 1.877.637.2924 Phone is answered 24 hours...

 

hi puppy,hope ya went ta work instead of drunk under a bridge where you woul'nt be safe.your hurtin'.which is totally understandably given the circumstances,but you are powerless over other people places and things.you lyin' under a bridge drunk is'nt goin' ta make anything any better.the guy is obviously caught up in the disease of addiction.he can't help that.no one wakes up when their fivey years old an declares, hey ya know i'm goin' ta be an addict when i grow up.its just bad stuff that happens ta some people.you said he was clean when you met him ,so ya you would have been with the real him then.but its different worlds livin' in the usin' world an livin' clean.so now hes different because he has gone back to it again.maybe he has ta go through more ta hit a real bottom.but all i know for sure is you need ta let go now an mind yourself.and i do believe when he told you ta stay away from drugs, that he was genuinely telling you that because he cared.because he dont want you goin' through the same hell he's in again.an right now your in your own cos your hurtin so much.but that will pass puppy .just keep talkin' about it like you did hear.i was only five months sober and clean when my boyfriend o.d.ed.i was angry as hell too,as just like you he was the person who helped me in the right direction ta gettin' sober an clean.and then he died himself.angry was an understatement of how i felt at the time.an just like you every part of me was screaming out for a bottle a whiskey just ta get outa my head an not feel the pain.i was'nt angry with him.i was angry with the disease itself.but a drink an other drugs were what took him, an me throwin' my life away again sure as hell was'nt goin ta bring him back.so if i could keep goin' and make it through all of that,you can make it through this too puppy.an he is still alive an in with a chance.i think also the fact that he was your first lover is playing an even bigger part in your hurt.which is also understandably.but hes not gone because he did'nt care about you.hes gone because of his addictions.so keep that in mind puppy.you just need ta take care of you now an give time time,as there is nothing you can do ta change anyone else.dont give up puppy.just keep on goin'.the sun will shine for you again.:sunny::love:

 

I'd have been at his side the second I heard if I knew where he was or how to get in touch with him. He doesn't have a phone and he's a scumfuck jerk traveler kid which means he could be on any street in any city at any given time. I love him like a brother, I'd do anything to help him and I know he'd do anything to help me. Don't doubt how badly I want to be at his side helping him through this hell and any other hell yet to come. But I can't. It's physically impossible for me to be with him right now, and bet your ass I'm beating myself up over it.

1. How do you know so much about the South Side?
2. For mental health issues WPIC was always my first thought.
3. As much as I think I need psych help, I don't want to do anything about it until I'm 18. I'd rather go through this alone than have my parents intimately involved in my psych treatment. I mean, I know I need it. I've been diagnosed with major depression with suicidal ideation and ADHD, probably have an acute anxiety disorder that was far too easily overshadowed by the depression issues, and with everything else the issue in this thread has been giving me nausea and anxiety-related breathing issues (I went to meet up with my mom a couple hours ago and had to stand there and do shallow breathes because I was so stressed that I literally could not breathe). My parents would be a hindrance to my treatment and since I know and accept this I feel it would be better just to put it off for another week and see how things are going from there.

 

Oh.... I see, so can you wait it out a week then, Mercy unit will help you with somethings. I dont recommend the psychiatric medications -- But their social programs can get you all kinda of things you need.

I live here, in Squirrel Hill silly.

 

Was just being a smarty pants, I understand why you need to use you mod superpowers


Just maybe next time you do it, could you say "By the power of Greyskull, I am the power" - that would help us out a lot, thanks

 

I've never wanted psych meds. I mean, I like the "fun" factor of ADHD meds being like legal coke, but that doesn't even really appeal to me.

And it's really cool that you live in Squirrel Hill. I spend 95% of my time in Bloomfield, but I went to Allderdice last year and one of my friends lives in Squirrel Hill.

 

Is your inner child vulnerable tonight? lol, no, of course I haven't been compassionate with you- I'm much older than uglypuppy and therefore am a LOT more cynical- I know nothing nothing about you- Uglypuppy just poured her heart out online, so I answered her very sincerely- if I see you post something similar or share something about yourself on a very personal level about a powerful/emotionally wounding experience, you will see the soft side of me.

Therefore, unless I see the vulnerability in someone, as if they stepped out of the pages of a Tennessee Williams play, my reactions can be quite capricious, due to my rapid-cycling bipolar disorder