Hi all... been a while since I've posted, but I thought I'd share what's new with me anyway. I was in the hospital psychiatric ward twice this spring (once in March and again in late June) and the first time just messed me up worse than I was before. Even though I was highly suicidal and self-injuring like mad (at one point I even barricaded myself in my bathroom and it took 6 orderlies to get me out and restrained, but not before I head-butted one of them), they diagnosed me as OCD because of my cyclic thinking and "compulsive" self injury. They put me on Luvox which, after two weeks of taking it, sent me into a hyper manic OCD episode - EVERYTHING that was on my mind was out my mouth: pop culture references, "secret thoughts," random cuss words, and a horrible inability to not repeat myself. Oh, and it was all coming out in Carlos Mencia's "deet dee dee" voice. And operatic scales, too, just to top it all off. It was mental/verbal diarrhea at its very worst! At one point I was even singing a brand new version of Three Blind Mice that my brain came up with on the spot: OMG, OMG, Woe is me, woe is me! We went to get the butcher's knife But we all three got in a fight, I myself and me, I myself and me. Needless to say, I had to reassure them every chance I got that I was NOT suicidal or a danger to myself and others, just having a *very* darkly, sadly hilarious side effect of this awful medication. I scored 100 Valium points for it (100 mgs worth of V), if that tells you anything that wasn't understandable. So anyway, flash forward three months later - I'm unmedicated again, having very dark suicidal and "death trap" thoughts (everything was potentially going to kill me) and was extremely depressed. All I could do was sleep and eat then throw up and repeat the process. I finally recognized it for the relapse it was and signed myself into the hospital for the second time. Being completely open and honest about how I was feeling and thinking, they put me on Celexa, Lamictal and Haldol (I discontinued the Haldol in favor of Seroquel after discharge because of awful twitches, teeth gnashing and muscle rigidity, known as extrapyramidal side effects). I'm back in therapy with a new therapist for drug rehab and am happier than I remember ever having been in my life. And for once, nobody else had to save me from myself - I made the choice finally and it feels SOOOO good. Thanks for reading my tome - I hope all who come across this are well and happy too and if you're not, well... I hope you can find your happiness without too much trouble. Just keep hoping it will get better and feeling your feelings and there IS a way out. Peace and love! <3 :daisy:
Wow - that's great man. The mind is a weird, wonderful and scarey master. Hope only hope is in your future.
Seroquel is very expensive in germany but seems to be quite ok from what I ve heared although I know a guy who got side effects from it. Good you stopped the Haldol, I know so many people who have very serious side effects from it.
ME TOO! And I'm NOT a pacer at all. I was pacing up and down the hallways, thinking I was just anxious to get out of there that day, but slowly and surely the nurses took notice of me pacing, knowing I'm not a pacer, and asked what was up. That's when the twitching and anxiety got worse fast - because they gave me a haldol to calm me down. It did exactly the opposite and made ALL my muscles ache, my jaw clenching so tight that I was speaking out the very sides of my mouth *and* drooling. And oh yeah, the twitches just kept getting worse and worse that last full day/night there. My eyes would flutter while I tried to keep them closed, so I had to clamp my hands tight onto them. My nose was twitching super fast like a rabbit - which is, quite rightly so, called Rabbit Syndrome. Seroquel on the other hand does exactly what it's supposed to do in my case - it keeps me from flying off the handle and being oversensitive all the time, but I still feel like myself. Better than that, actually, I feel like the best me I can be. And I've *never* felt this good and happy. It's nice. :daisy:
