Rant/Rave don't know what i want from it except maybe some older peoples perspectives

I'm 24...and a disabled veteran. Ever since I joined the army and realized how fucked up things are I have just felt dis-enfranchised from my family and my government.
My dad was a sniper on a recon team in vietnam. He got drafted, but his version of protesting the draft was signing up for an extra year (his words). Instead of a peace sign around his neck, after his cousin was killed in the battle for hue he started wearing a circle that said WAR in it.
He came home from the war and met my mom and was studying religion and was a youth pastor and all that good shit. Mom said he wouldnt even step on a roach when they got married because he had seen enough killing.
From my earliest memories, I was forced to go to a pentecostal house church where there would be 4 hour long services at times with no message, just people speaking in tongues. I was put through Christian school from age 4 - 14. At 5 I remember "becoming a christian"....though looking back on my life i didnt have much of a choice i lived in a right wing christian home and went to right wing christian schools and was never allowed to play with anyone but those people.
My family jokes (although its not a joke) That I was learning how to read New Testament Greek before I could even read english, because they wanted me to be able to read the bible in its original language. I HATED Christian school because the people there weren't very christian...
I would come home from school every day crying because i would get made fun of, beat up, and never had anyone to play with. While I would be crying my parents would tell me to "shutup, quit being dramatic" and my dad would do something to cause me a small amount of physical pain and then he would YELL the same thing at me every time "THAT HURTS! WHAT SOMEBODY SAYS TO YOU DOES NOT HURT....WHEN MY DRILL SERGEANTS YELLED AT ME, THAT IS ALL IT WAS....THEM YELLING....SO SHUTUP!" Of course then I would cry more and then would hear "DO YOU WANT A REASON TO CRY???" Then I would be sent to my room for hours while he would walk up and down the hallway popping his belt ultimately leading to "you get three licks" but it would be three here, three there, three everywhere....and then he would force me to hug him and tell him i loved him afterwards.
As I got into middle school, i was still getting the same treatment at home and at school, so i started kicking the shit out of people who would try to hurt me instead of just taking it....but then i realized that if i defended myself at school i would get the shit beat out of me at home because "Christians turn the other cheek" makes sense right?? lol.....So I chilled out and tried doing the whole christian thing again....they would even take me witnessing where i would find children my age and tell them that they would go to hell and burn forever if they didnt pray this little prayer and then when i would go to church the next sunday my parents would tell every one what a good christian i was and i earned the nickname "the little evangelist".
But.....school still sucked and my family ignored my PLEAS to be homeschooled or go to a public school and I would be told to shutup that things werent how i said they were and that i did not actually feel the way i felt.
So in the middle of my 9th grade year all this shit is still going on so I told my mother while going down the interstate that if they did not take me out of christian school that I would jump out of the car because I would rather be dead than to keep going through what i had for the past, well, LIFETIME! Shit was so bad that at home i was learning greek and spanish fluently, but at school I was making C's and D's from kindergarten on up because i couldnt concentrate cause of all the peer abuse and indoctrination that i did not agree with.
So after threatening suicide, my parents sit me down and accuse me of being a drug addict....I was 14 and at the time I had never tried an illegal drug, i was chewing tobacco, and the only alcohol i had ever tried was the sips of wine my dad would give me on christmas. But they kept pressuring me to "TELL THE TRUTH" So I said - "ok ive been getting drunk" but that was a lie, they just wouldnt listen to the truth that I wasnt doing any of that shit.
So we go to a psychiatrist who listened to both my parents and I....So she put me on an anti-depressent and a sleeping pill but also told my parents just to let me go to a public school. So after much bitching about it - they put me in regular school. They said I had to take that medicine for the rest of my life and i didnt want to so i told my dad that I would join the army if i didnt have to take the medicine and he agreed to that because i would have been inelligble to serve if i had stayed on those meds.
My parents just randomly quit going to church but still forced their beliefs on me and forced me to go to church without them...so I am all involved in church and jrotc - even playing in the church band and going on mission trips.....but when i wasnt there I was getting fucked up, because I couldnt handle being forced to live like that. So things got better at school but worse at home so I just hung out with the kids at school who had dope, because my parents already thought i was on drugs anyway and after i tried them i realized that they made me forget about shit at home.
Then I quit school and got off the drugs (except pot) and turned hippie...started meditating, yoga, vegetarian diet, grew out the beard and the hair....holy shit you would think that I had turned into Hitler by their reaction. But they couldnt force me to do things anymore because a few years earlier when my dad hit me for quitting football when my mom got cancer - I threw his ass intot he swimming pool and moved in with other family. (until he chilled out some and mom asked me to come back).
But its hard for a drop out ex junkie to get a job - so family members would give me free money and paid for some community school as long as i went to church with them every sunday. I was pretty happy with myself and i did what they asked because i knew they couldnt change my mind....but i got tired of being dependent on them and pretending to believe what they did. but at the same time i was desperately seeking their approval so i started eating meat, quit smokin pot and did what every red blooded decent american does...started drinkin liquor and joined the army...
I was 19 and my dad told me he was proud of me for the first time in my life. I was gung-ho...turned into a bad ass infantryman...soldier of the month....a pfc doing a SGT.'s job as team leader....until my soldiers started getting abused and people getting raped and killing themselves and shit....We came under the investigation of a 3 star general. When I was questioned - I fuckin told them EVERYTHING!!! How soldiers who got in trouble would be forced to dig their own graves and lay down in them at gun point, the rapes, the abuse, etc....
And then i started getting abused for sticking up for my soldiers. it got so bad that i just lost it....i couldnt tell my dad...i couldnt tell the army...i couldnt tell anyone except that general who didnt do shit except get me fucked up!
So they put me on meds and turned me into a zombie....i had to take the meds or they said i could be prosedcuted for disobeying the order of an officer. They made me worse and i started seeing shit and feeling bugs crawling inside my skin....it was horrible...so i took ALL the pills they prescribed me for a month and washed it down with a fifth of whiskey....only to wake up the next morning and run 5 miles....
I got an honorable discharge for being Bipolar and anti-social personality disorder (a sociopath!)
I came home and was homeless because my family didnt want me anymore and niether did my country....and it states on my DD-214 that i am a sociopath so that makes it a little hard to get a job.
So I am sleeping in a church parking lot and then in a tent in someone back yard, and i go to church one day SOBBING at the alter call cause I was so tired of the floods filling up my tent with water and they get me a job....altogether I am homeless for about a year...and was able to work in a warehouse for 9 months before i was fired because i went to a mental hospital and wasnt allowed to leave for a few days.
But I had just bought a dilapidated house that i restored myself and i was able to get on VA disability 100%
My family started talking to me again because i was no longer homeless and was majoring in religion at a christian university....but i quit because I learned so much of the Bible I realized it was bullshit.
Now my family doesnt really wanna speak to me or visit or anything unless they need ME to do something for THEM....and the government has said that I am so much better, they have taken 1500 bucks away from me a month while simultaneously declaring me mentally incompetent and putting a government fiduciary in charge of my funds. How am I mentally incompetent NOW that I am supposedly better if I wasnt when I was considered 100% disabled?????????????
SO I have a lawyer and a doctor backing me up and the Doc says that my primary diagnosis isnt bipolar....but PTSD and he wrote the VA a letter saying this and also saying that I am perfectly competent.
But I am all alone all the time cause I cant afford to leave the house and I lost my friends when I moved 4000 miles away for the army and as i said my family only calls me if they need something from me.
So out of all of this I learned a very important lesson - It doesn't matter what is happening to you, who is hurting you, what your status in life is...the best thing you can do for yourself is to figure out what you believe and practice that...while still being open-minded. and if you deny what you believe and try to live contrary - you will go BATSHIT NUTS!
I believe in PEOPLE. I believe in PEACE. I believe in Justice. A couple of the people in my old unit who I stood up for will talk to me on the phone when i am going through something and instead of telling me I am an army washout they tell me that I am a hero because I stood up for people who couldnt stand up for themselves.
I don't use any synthetic chemicals for hygiene or cleaning or food or medicine. I only use natural products. I am vegan because it makes me feel healthier and mor compassionate and economical. I THINK there MIGHT be a God out there, but not the evangelical god...but I also realize that there is no way to prove this and the only way you will find out if there is an afterlife is when you die. So the best thing you can do for humanity is to not proselytize but serve people. I try to practice yoga and meditation every day. I am an activist...prison reform, peace, human rights, homeless, and veterans. I am working with a program called S.C.A.P. student career alternatives program - we show teens truth in military recruiting and ways to serve humanity without killing people. I actively participate in civil-disobedience because I can not live contrary to what i believe anymore. I smoke weed maaaan lol. I am not democrat or republican.
....But I still don't feel like I have overcome it all and the only counseling I can afford is the free counseling that the government will give me....but why the fuck would i get counseling from the same government that fucked me over in the first place???
HEY - Any input is appreciated, but please refrain from attacking my family...you can say what you disagree with, but no name calling.

 

One thing to feel lucky about is that now the military actually recognizes PTSD as a legitimate illness.

I'm sorry about what has happened to you continuously. It seems to me that you have at least one of the problems that I have. You believe in god just not the one that Christianity has presented to you.

I was sexually abused for 3 years as a child. When in school I was an outsider but still tried desperately to fit in. I got into alot of fights because I realized that I could either take the beating and get punished or fight back and get the same punishment.

I later took up meditation. I had carried the pain of my abuse for many years and felt like I was being crushed under the weight of that pain and heartache. I went to a retreat type situation and did a guided meditation to forgive and release the pain. When the meditation got to it's peak and I was supposed to watch the abuse happen and look at my abuser and forgive them. In the visualization I grabbed him off the young me spun him looked him in the eye and started strangling him. (Feel free to laugh. I do.) I just wasn't ready to forgive him yet.

Not only was he sexually abusive he was mentally and physically abusive. One time we were at a family function and he kept punching me in the same spot and leaved a green bruise on my chest. For years after that every time I thought of the abuse that spot hurt.

One morning I was meditating and I saw him. I did something that surprised me. I looked him in the eye and said, "I forgive you." After that I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I never felt that pain again.

About 10 years ago (I was just a little older than you are now) I did my first real meditation retreat. But before I did I had a little vision before I went to sleep one night. As I was falling asleep I saw myself out in the woods dragging a dead body. But it was like a rag doll it had no weight to it. It was like I was swinging it off the ground like it weighed nothing. I got into a clearing and doused it with gasoline and lit it on fire. As it was burning I looked at it's face and saw that it was me. I realized at that time that the only way to move forward and to heal was to destroy what I used to be.

I hope that you can glean some wisdom from this little ramble.

Stay Brown,
Rev J

 

Forgiveness. I'm not sure I have ever been able to completely grasp that word. On the one hand - I don't usually dwell on any of that shit. I could go face-to-face with any of those people and even help them if i needed to....sometimes I DO get angry, but it is usually fleeting. It's more - like I said - feeling disenfranchised. Everything I was taught was a lie.

 

Welcome to the first noble truth.

I've developed a philosophy that dissatisfaction can be a good thing. Dissatisfaction gives us the incentive to change what needs to change. Finding the right methods to implement that change is the hard part.

It sounds to me from your rant that you have spent all of your life swimming upstream and trying to be something you aren't. The cause and effects of those actions seems to be more painful than anything I can imagine.

Stay Brown,
Rev J

 

Sad and uplifting stories at the same time. Both your stories exemplify how people can come thru some very bad stuff and be the better in spite of it. I recently forgave my transgressors and feel better for it. The pain is gone.

 

Yeah REV ... I am a strong swimmer now lol....but now I swim with my internal stream...So I am hoping I will be able to swim a lot faster now lol. Maybe get a little farther. It has caused a lot of pain and there have been a lot of times that I acted very irrational because of it and continued to let other people hurt me because that was the pattern. But the cool thing is that from all the alone-ness I felt my whole life (even though i was in crowds of people)...Now I literally am alone - I go days at a time without seeing or hearing anyone else but me and the cars that drive down the road unaware of my existence (i live 20 miles from anyone i know) they just pass me by...and it's cool - because even though I am left alone to deal with the pain of my past - I am finally dealing with it. There is a song by ziggy marley called "love is my religion" and it says - not in the books did i find, but by searching my mind.
In the past I have confronted some of those people about how i was treated and they "dont wanna talk about it" ... So as far as reconciling with them, i have done all i know to do.................................Now what are some other things that I can do for myself?

 

Get an animal. I'm serious. Having an animal can do about a bazillion things positive for you - from giving you something to think about and care for to you receiving the most unconditional, beautiful love there is.
Animals are used in all kinds of therapy - and for good reason.
I have nothing else to offer in terms of advice, for you seem to be on the upward path, especially after all that you have been through...but I say being able to talk about it in even this venue must be theraputic in it's own way.
I'm another loner, and have found through the years that I have felt less alone at home that I would feel in a crowd. Funny how that works.

Kudo's to ya'.

 

yeah i dont know about the whole animal thing....i mean i know you are right about it being therapeutic, but I have something special i take care of every day that i take the 5th ammendment on and animals cost money to take care of.
But yeah you are definately right about it helping to talk about it - but not "even" on this venue...ESPECIALLY on this venue because most people on here arent going to force religion and violence down your throat.

 

Hey man-no religion and nothing forced down your throat-I got very few answers, just 58 years of living and want you to know folks here are sending their support.

You appear to be taking the first few steps:
-being aware that you can't make those around you acknowledge their involvement in your life-it's hard to accept that they arn't moving forward with you, but keep going. Don't let anyone hold you back with them. Folks hope to slow you down so they feel better about their selves
-you are looking for a way to help you move forward.
-it's kinda hokey, but it's worked for me:
get up in the morning and do a little exercise
make a plan for the day and do it
pick something you are interested in and go talk to folks who are successful in that field. Not just to increase your knowledge/skill but just to be around successful folks-they like to share and they are a positive influence on you.

Peace

 

I found your story to be very inspirational.

It sounds like you've found your own truth. You're free of all the bullshit. You'll probably always carry it around because who really ever gets away from their scars, but you aren't shackled by the lie anymore.

Keep living your life man. A person's spirit must be in line before the external world can begin to make sense, and it sounds like you have your mind, spirit, beliefs figured out. If you live your life exactly the way you want, if your thoughts and actions exist in harmony, good things will come to you. I know that sounds like overly optimistic drivel, but its something I've always found to be true.

 

No - none of yall sound "hokey" or overly optimistic....actually I was terrified when I wrote that, thinking people would attack me. Now I feel a lot better...So something that kinda scares me - I am in my mid 20's now and have had a few serious relationships. Though - I always swore off having children because I was afraid that I would be like my dad...But I have noticed, ever since around my 24th birthday (6 months ago) I actually have been thinking about how it would be nice to have a family...but even though I am opposite of my dad, the only parenting methods I know are his - and I disagree with them, but I don't know any other way. Im not saying I am going to procreate tommorrow....ya know - just that I am open to the idea now and dont want to keep these generational mistakes going. So how do you keep your children open-minded while not shoving YOUR beliefs down their throat and without them turning loco?

 

The fact that with all the heavy crap you've been through, that you've found it in you to love and to try to serve people--man, that is an inspiration, as another post says, truly damn marvelous. It's people like you that offer so much to the planet. Thanks for being so honest and open. You're beautiful.
As far as the having kids thing-- we had kids, all grown now. It wasn't easy all the time, but they turned out fine and we're all very close. The only advice I can offer is to love 'em and listen to 'em. My wife and I had to learn that there's things we can teach them, but some things everybody has to learn for themselves so at those times we can advise and guide and love, but they have to find their own paths.

 

I'm pretty sure everyone who has ever contemplated having a child has asked the same question.

I don't have kids, but I've asked myself the same thing many times when thinking about my future hypothetical children. When you can see straight through society's bullshit, its hard to figure out how to raise children to live both in this society and within your own value system without forcing your value system down their throats.

I think the trick is to teach them how to think. If they know how to ask questions, explore new ideas creatively, draw their own conclusions, they'll do better than the majority of children being raised today.

If you're worried about not being able to be a good parent because of the way you were raised.....don't. When people repeat the mistakes their parents made, its usually because they're reactive people, not contemplative people. You know better than to raise your children the same way you were raised, therefore you can raise them however you want.