I'm at a loss for what to do. Except for the sex, our relationship is amazing. The sex has kept getting less and less frequent and he won't talk about it. I believe he has an addiction to porn and I'm considering just going with it ... having porn included in all our love making. Is that really so wrong?
It's hard to be sure. The guy isn't going to leave you for porn, but it may pull his attraction towards unrealistic things. Like most things I'm not extreme to either side on this. I don't think porn is terrible, but too much of anything can be a bad thing. Unfortunately the real problem is that even if you knew what to do, you can't really change a person's behavior. I guess the question is, how nasty is the porn, and how much does it bother you that he's looking at it?
I really don't mind porn at all ... and we are both into the same level of kink (we aren't vanilla). That's my go to place when I'm feeling the need to love myself. It's just that masturbating daily and having sex with me monthly isn't living up to my needs. If I initiate he'll go for it but I am tired of always being the one to initiate. We have brought porn into the bedroom before. Like I said, I really do believe he has an addiction to it. Even the same porn twice won't do it for him, it's gotta be different every time. I was thinking of doing an experiment where I wake him up with porn and a bj every day for a week and see if that switches things up. Ever since we first got together he doesn't get off easily and I do think it's related to his porn use. I can suck one out of him but it takes forever (like 45 minutes of it). Even if he masturbates with me with no porn involved, it takes well over half an hour. Add porn to these situations and he's done in 5 - 10 minutes. It hurts my feelings that just me doesn't do it for him and I'm trying to convince myself that this is his problem, not mine. Piecing together what he has said about previous girlfriends, I don't think this is a new issue. He is super affectionate and considerate in all other aspects and really the most incredible boyfriend. On the one hand, there is the reality that with porn in the bedroom he's not really making love to me ever. On the other, I'm finding the total lack of intimacy is causing me to disengage from the relationship.
It's not you, it's us porn addicts (well, I'm not actively an addict anymore)-- leave now and find someone who watches porn in a balanced manner where it's part of your relationship with the partner- right now you are part of his relationship with porn and sex. (and I'm not saying he's cheating, that is certainly not always part of the equation). You deserve that.
Seems you have your answer right there. Try asking him (very seriously) why he doesn't want to have more sex. If you think that you have done everything you can to initiate .... well, follow Severine's advice: go out and get some.
This has nothing to do with porn or a porn addiction. That is you trying to find an excuse for his behavior. You want to know WHY he does this, ask him... However, it isn't your place to change your partner to suit you. It is only your choice of whether or not you stay with them. If you don't like the way things are, and he wont talk about it, then leave.
It's a bit harsh to tell someone it isn't their place to change others to suit them? Grow up. It is her place to talk to her partner and try to discuss things that bother her... she did that, he didnt want to talk about it. There is no relationship. If he has a problem from HIS view, and he chooses to do something about it, fine, that's wonderful for him... That is not what this is about. You want the harsh version to compare this to? The OP's bf obviously does not get turned on by her and she should move onto someone who does, rather then subject herself to being reminded of this fact daily. If she chooses to stay in that situation, she has nobody to blame but herself as she is the one accepting that she is inadequate to fulfill his needs. This is not a new idea, in fact, it has been said on these boards many many times (sometimes even by other people then me)... We do not have the right to try to change someone else to suit us. We have a choice of whether or not we want to accept other people in our lives. That's it... anything else is one person trying to subject another to their will.. That isn't love, that is slavery.
That is his choice... It is not her place to force him to talk. She didn't say, she can't talk to him about it, she quite clearly stated that HE won't talk about it. She also stated that this isn't a new problem, it is a recurring problem with multiple partners, one that seems to be getting worse. Yet he doesn't want to talk about it. HE has a problem that he needs to address... yes... and as his partner, she does have the right to tell him so... She does not have the right to force him to change or deal with it. If he refuses (as she says he does) to deal with it, she has one of two choices. She can accept it, or walk away.
Hmmm. Some interesting thoughts here. I had thought that involving porn would be accepting things. He is extremely visual and I could use losing 30 pounds (which I'm working on) so maybe he really just isn't attracted to me although I've had these 30 pounds since we got together. I'm not 100% sure about this or whether the sex has slowed down so much due to stresses in our life at this time (long work hours and some health issues) where porn is the easy route to get the job done. We moved in together 3 months ago and the last 2 months is where things have been shutting down. I just don't know. If he would talk to me about it that would at least be something and not leave me hanging here with all these guesses. He's so affectionate, cuddling throughout the night (he instigates) and such. He's planned a getaway weekend thats coming up so maybe I'll see where things stand after the weekend. Something has to happen soon though because I can't hang on indefinitely.
of course not. a lot of guys continue to watch porn in a relationship or marriage. it's not your business to tell him not to do that. however, about including it in your lovemaking, only do that if you yourself are OK with it too. what he does in his own privacy is his business. what you do while having sex together should be something you both are into, not just one party.
Harsh as it may be, I agree. It's not like you can lay down the law and tell him to focus on you, that kind of thing doesn't work with sex, it hardly works with anything. At best it would get him to pretend, which would wear off eventually, leaving you both bitter and feeling like you had wasted your time. If he would talk about it you could find out his motivation for it and maybe become closer by learning more about what turns him on. If it is getting worse and he is not responsive to you talking about it, then as the poster quoted above says, you have to decide if you would rather live with it for the long haul, or give up and cut your losses.
I can only go on what you've written here. Not to sound judgmental but these 2 paragraphs reek of youth and insecurity. I remember 17 year olds telling me that they only wanted their boyfriends turned on by them. This sounds a little controlling to me. It sounds like you want to even control what he thinks about sexually and what turns him on. And you want that to be you only. I am in an adult committed relationship. My fiance and I watch porn and regular movies and regularly discuss who we find attractive. That doesn't mean we are going to cheat on each other it just means that as typical humans we find other humans attractive whether they are our mate or not. Everything around us from advertising to standard entertainment is built around this nature. What you've seemed to have leaved out is how much porn is he watching. Is it 10 or 15 minutes. Or is it 4 hours at a time. You have said it is daily. That is enough to make it habitual but like I said is it hours on end or just a few minutes to get off. That to me is the difference between habit and addiction. As for your weight. If you've had it since you have been together than it probably isn't that. It seems like you are falling back on your insecurities to find a reason when it could just as easily be something else. I know that for me over the last 5 years of being with my fiance that our sex lives have dropped back. Sometimes when you are with someone constantly the novelty and newness of the relationship can wear off a little, and the sex can be a little more infrequent then it used to be. Add to that work, stress and health issues and these can be straight up libido killers. Stay Brown, Rev J
Did ya say how long you were together?? As The Good Reverend said relationships have ups and downs with sex. At the begining it's all new and fun and then ya it comes and goes. But as far as him just watching and not being into you, ya then that is a prob. I mean my ol man and I watch it all the time and we even pick out the ones together. But in saying that I know he would still rather half sex with me rather then Mrs. Palmer and her 5 daughters............. If he isn't going to talk or at least show you some love then I would think about the relationship.
uh yeah. if you have to ask; if it makes your instincts say "hold on", then don't so it. he needs help.
To be honest, I am feeling insecure as a result of this which is quite unlike me. I have zero issues with him watching porn nor with him spanking it. I think it would be weird if he never masturbated. I get turned on by porn myself and I also masturbate so this isn't really what the issue is. Also, I wouldn't expect that it would be only me that turns his crank nor would I expect that his fantasies revolve around me. I have been really doing a lot of self examination regarding this and I believe I'm going to have to walk away from this relationship. I'm not so shallow that I'd walk away just over the sex but I need to feel loved, valued and emotionally safe and I don't. When we first got together he said that all that mattered was if I was happier with him than without him (I really liked my previous state of being single btw). I'm thinking I'm not anymore. I'm not convinced there is any point in waiting this out to see if it will pass or work itself out given time. Given that we've been together for a year, I'm not sure how long is long enough to hope for things to get better.
