Addiction and coming to terms with my sexuality

Hey,

I am a recovering adict from Ontario Cananda, I just got my 5 months clean time and am working a 12 step program, shits intense

I've started really feeling feelings and identifying them, being able to express myself in an assertive way has been awesome

but then there are these other feelings..

and its a confusing time right now, i dont really know whats up with me.

the last 8 years has been stuffed with using and boozing and now that ive got some cleantime under my bealt, and am really gaining perspective on why i did the things i did shits getting really.. confusing.

I met someone in the program, and we started seeing eachother.. and much like with my past partners, there were all these feelings of butterflys and giddyness I havnt known in a long time

suddenly it was like hitting a brick wall. all of the feelings stopped, and now i feel like theres this heavey knot just sitting in my stomach
like.. something just isnt right. In the absence of alcohol and drugs, there is no more room for denial.

I had this.. "im straight if i have sex with boys" thing going on. but to really think about it, i never liked sex with boys.

I think Im gay.

I dont want to use again, i dont want to drink again, and denial and resentments are like poison for an adict. How do you come to terms with this.. i mean, this guy im seeing has no idea, and i didnt have any idea until i worked more of the steps in the program and I gained some more clarity.

I dont know what to do, or who to talk to..

If i dont deal with this, I fear I face a relapse.. and for me, that means fatality. that means im fuckin gone.

All I know is, when I'm with this guy, somethings off.
When i think back to my past partners, I fealt the same way.
I need to figure this out, and i need some help talkin it out. how bout it?

 

I have an ex family member in re-hab right now. 10 years in our family with stealing,lying and using. It's ALL out there. The drugs will always be out there. I now recognize just how difficult and destructive addiction can be. I'm going to guess that maybe you should be dealing with your addictions and not complicate the process by being involved with someone right now. From what I have seen--recovery is hell,but it is going to be totally up to you if you can visualize how your life COULD be instead of how it has been. As far as your sexuality--couldn't that wait to be cleared up until you're on track to where you want to be? Of course ,maybe that issue is why you obliviated yourself with drugs in the first place. Sorry if I haven't been helpfull--hang in there and be strong. You can do it.-----------take care. There has to be a recovered addict around that will help you.

 

Hey scratcho,

thanks for your feedback. you are right, complicating things with being involved with someone is not the best idea.. we speak openly and honestly about where we are both at in our recovery.

What im struggling to accept is my sexuality in all of this, when we become able to veiw the past after gaining clarity.. we begin to put things in perspective.

the insanity of doing the same thing over, and over and expecting different results hasn't ever and wont ever work for me..

like i can fuck the gay away right.. im in denial here. something im really good at lol

 

Congrats on that!! I recomend swimming for a couple of hours a day, its peaceful as hell.... Good luck with everything

 

Seems to me you've got to be honest with yourself before you can get over the obsession with drugs. Easy for me to say cause I've never been able to completely beat them.
But in your case, to be so torn can't be good for your addictions. In this day and time being gay is a lot easier than it used to be. Probably you should back away from the male relationships for a while until you can sort things out. If there is a female you like and who likes you - test it out.
Being uncomfortable with yourself is the basis for most addictions.
Good luck.

 

I've never been addicted to anything so I'm not really gonna speak to that. Well unless you count food, it's amazing I'm not fat But anyway when it comes to your life you just gotta decide where you want to go. I don't understand all of what your goin' through but just try to set a goal, a single goal and aim to achieve it. When it comes to being gay thats ok ya know? My wife used to be lesbian and I am perfectly ok with that fact. Some men actually find it attractive if their girl is into chicks but then again thats more of a bi thing I think. I'd concentrate on straightenin' your life out first and foremost chicka. Hope this helps. Peace, love, and good thoughts your way.

 

yeah, it sounds like the best thing for you to do right now is to get clean and not be with anyone, gay or straight

 

your just getting ta know yourself thats all.once you stay sober an clean one day at a time, everything else will work itself out in the end.one things for sure pickin' up a drink or any other drug again wont make anything any better.keep it simple.keep winnin' an welldone.

 

Hi shesgotit, and congratulations on keeping it together for several months. My wife was an alcoholic and drank herself to death. I have some idea of what addiction is all about.

Here's a list of LGBT counsellors who work in Mississauga. I'm not sure how current it is, but maybe you can find some help there.

Good luck and hang in there.

 

I will pray for you brother. Keep walking in the light.

 

thank you lonederanger

 

This is so true!

 

This is true.

Myself and many other addicts I've spoken to in recovery have said, and I beleive, had the addicts mentality long before we picked up to use.

When the time came, it fealt so natural and so right.

As youth we feel unloved and resentful, we feel the world owes us something, we feel entitled and are self seeking..

This can be atributed to abuse, dysfunctional family life and the like..

I used drugs and alcohol (also a drug) to make me feel secure, I found love where I fealt unloved, I fealt safe where I had fealt fear, I fealt content where I had experiance anxiety.. but these pleasures only are temporary

soon it is no longer seeking just refuge, but it becomes a powerful need.. a hunger for comfort, love, serenity.. of course as addiction progresses, you find less and less of this.

we find new jobs, new homes, friends, lovers, thinking all these external things will fix us, help us along to what we really desire and what we deserve (entitlement)

so imagine my shock when i realized ive been running in place all along. and the changes needing to be made were within me..

and now I have come to a place where I no longer need drugs to live. I need friends and family and a good 12 step program. I have all these things,

But there is this.. inside of me, and I think I am a Lesbian.

 

dunno why you believe the drug use and sexuality are even connected. you said yourself you never liked sec with boys

if you're a lesbian then date women - and most importantly

good luck with the recovery.

 

I hope to take time to read the whole thread soon.

I suppose I also had to come to terms with a lot once I recovered from alcoholism. However, contrary to my earlier tendencies, I am finding not labeling myself extremely helpful.

Even the bisexual/bi-curious label seems too small to fit into.

It`s also the first time in my life I have come to terms with dying single (since I turned 30, I was faced for the first time with the feeling of physical decay) and possibly friendless...

Though, again, the single/in-relationship labels are still only labels. We are all single when we go to work, and in a relationship when we get together with someone...aren`t we?

Finally, I am coming to terms with the feeling that I am a loser...for being single, childless, and finally for not being some super pick up artist sex symbol who`s got women throwing pussy at him on the street and having sex with 6 blondes each night. :biggrin:

In fact, it took me a while to understand that I actually reject a lot of female attention. Including attractive women. I was not aware of that in the past. I thought only women rejected me.

Just wanted to share. Best of luck. :2thumbsup:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-4w6NqfLAc&list=FLYIjva7tA8kP-jZGWg7p3Vw&index=8"]The Bizarre World of the Bisexual - YouTube

 

Thanks for sharing your story man, I'm in the same situ as regards stuggling to come to terms with being gay and how I reconsile that with my faith. I think I need a 12 step program lol I'm finding hard to shake it off. Keep up the strength dude.