when u hit rock bottom..

i feel like a fuckin scumbag right now .. iidk how this happened

yall think u got problems .. my opiate addiction has spiralled outta control since i been here.. fckin round with 1 or 2 roxys , now its like unreasonable.. no longer even feel good .. only thing i havent done or will do is shoot up H ..

anyways still i feel lik the shit ive done is worst ..


this past week was the worst ever

i got paid last fri 360 , paid my overdue phone bill and had like 100 left ..


bought pills had no doe saturday ,.. at work i work at customer service and do returns and i had no moeny so i skimped the system and returned items off reciepts i found to acquire the money in there so the register would balance.. ok no prob did it the next day too ..

took like 100 out still goin on normal living ..


monday comes .. go to the store to return clothes my mom got me as a gift for starting school recently.. went n bought pills ($80)


monday night comes , i overdraft 120 thinkin its nothin i'll make it back easy , got 2 panas and killed them

tuesday i got school and hurting .. wtihdrawin bad .. asked people to front me but nothing .. so i go to the bank thinkin my limit is 200 but it let me take out another 120 so i go and buy 2 blues and a pana and set for the day .. but nooo night time comes and i didnt save any so i did some shit to get a few bucks ..

ok so its not even bad yet

wednesday comes .. again i have no moeny .. i go to work (thinkin to myself.. oh no dont sweat it i'll just return a ton of items and the register will balance out no matter what.. why not just take a couple hundred n pay the bank back .. Yeah ok so that thought rolls into my head as i go to work ).. so 2 minutes in .. the Assistant store manager .. Come into my office now .. Head of corporate security is there .. gives me the lecture and throws the reciepts i used to refund the items in front of me with a CD with video survielance and i'm thinkin fuck .. so they couldn't just fire me.. they had to call the cops and i had a strainer in my pocket and straw too hoping i didnt get padded down .. so cop and the security guy is talkin and my manager si taklin to me so i slipped the strainer in my pants n when i stood up it fell thru my jeans onto the ground n i kicked it over n tried gettin peoples attention the other direction ( thankfully i was escorted out by the cop before they saw it ) .. says hes gunna be sending a warrant in a few days for a court date etc ..

they gave me my pay for last week ($230) ,, ok so i'm fuckin hurt now and don't know what to do .. instead of payin my negative bank account which is now sittin at 380 from overdrafts n other fees now .. i fucking buy all pills and today is Friday monring and I have no fucking pills now! .. I ran out yesterday with that 230 most of it gone wednesday.. only did 3 blues yesterda and now i'm fucking stuck again ..


no fucking job, -380 bank account thats gunna keep climbin and gunna w/d hardcore tomrorw



i know most people gunna say i'm a stupid fuck , call me an addict, etc.. yea idk wtf i was thinkin.. just one of those moods where i say life sucks .. but in the end it was all my own doing .. wish i never tried that first oxy .. no matter how good it felt throughout the journey.. none of it was worth it int he end .. my last paycheck said the gross pay for the year was 8,300 after taxes and dnt forget the 7,000 i started with in my savings in december 09 when i first started .. now it's negative .. that coulda been over 15 G's i'd have now ..


shitty thing is i havent learned.. i have a school loan out of 800 right now i owe in a subsidized loan i lied and said it was for books but bought pills with that shit too 3 weeks ago and i been goin to the financial aid office every week asking when i can get more of a loan out and they said beginning next monnth.. now that i lost my job i'm gunna be takin out the most i can in a loan .. fucking watch $2,000 fly in 2 days .. atleast 500 to pay back my bank, another 300 for the dealers i owe and knowin all this negative shit i'm still gunna go out n buy pills .. wtf is wrong wit me i cant stand this shit


anyone ever feel like this\\




(also in the last month I sold ps3 my brother bought me for my bday 2 fucking Roxys .. shit cam wit 2 controllers and 4 games .. I feel like fuckinn shit but i can't stop ?????? Someone help !_

 

you should of stole more money from work.. larceny is larceny brother. its like doing Breaking and entry why break into a garage and get the same case you would breaking into a gun shop.

I guess Im not helping am I..

20 days in rehab or 90 days in jail.

Which one do you want to pick first? Or have picked for you?

 

Sounds like you need to schedule an Appt. with both a Suboxone doctor and a psychotherapist who specializes in addiction to opioids. Luckily there is a big market for both people so you shouldn't have a hard time finding them. Good luck.

 

I feel your pain bro. Did many of those things myself. I never got caught stealing from work, although still lost my job because of my addiction a few months ago. I'm still at rock bottom because of my past stupidity. People that don't anything about it would just say: just quit man, it's all in your head, just quit. That may be true with some drugs, but opiates are a tit bit different. It's not just your mind saying fuck it I need a pill, chemical changes take place in you making your whole body NEED it. I bought 5 suboxones off someone and tapered myself with those 5. I also got the hell away from anyone and everyone associated in the pill game. That part is very important, the other times I unsuccessfully tried quitting, I still had a brother and numerous so-called friends snorting them in front of me, bitching about bein sick and beggin for money. Those type of people don't want you to get better, they want you to be a piece of shit like them. Not sure if you have that problem or not, but many do. I would reccomend trying something similar to what I did, if that doesn't work then go the rehab route. I myself don't like the idea of rehab because they will most likely put you on a different super addictive drug like suboxone and methadone. Read some statistics on those 2 drugs before taking my or anyone else's advice. It might save your life. Wish you luck on that bro.

 

I lived that way for 8 years, starting when I was 17 years old. I was homeless at 15, and it only took 2 teenage years to get to that point. Wait until you start hurting yourself to get drugs from the emergency room. Thats not even close to rock bottom lol, there is no such thing, only dying. If you cant maintain the lifestyle AND deal with your conscience, then I have to suggest what etkearne already has : Get on suboxone immediately. Every day you wait is a total waste of time. I was living your lifestyle as a father of two babies, still trying to convince myself that everything about it was contributing to my creative output, responsible for my art. Also with booze. It will take a while to see the light, and the cravings will never go away. It seems that until a person suffers enough to reach the mental snap, they are unreachabe and unwilling to sacrifice. I know thats how I am.

 

He needs more than just the Suboxone though IMO. He sounds like he needs some psychotherapy because he sounds hopeless and overwhelmed.

 

mosdef couldnt hurt...........

 

Couldn't agree more!!!!!!

Wish you the best!

 

This is why addictions are bad...

Those people telling you that you should just quit... are the ones who are right... all the rest is bullshit...

You want sympathy and someone to tell you it's okay and that everything will work out... Sadly, it doesn't work like that...

AND you HAVEN'T hit bottom yet...

When you hit bottom, and there is nobody around to help you, or for you to screw to cover your ass and the people you thought cared most for you have walked away in disgust...

Then... you will make a decision for yourself... either you will quit, or you will die.

To those who think this is me being an ass... too bad... addicitons to opiates and alchohol are the same thing... they suck a person life and soul out of them until they lose everything and realize they fucked up... Any help or support anyone offers before that happens... feeds the addictions...

 

Are pills really that fucking expensive?

Jesus. The things I could do with all the money you've spent on pills.

Maybe you should tell your mom. You have the mind of an addict, so you aren't going to be able to help yourself. You need someone to help you.

 

here we go again.. See why you should ask addicts to help you. They will just direct you to another fucking drug..

lemme tell you sometime.. "OTHER PEOPLE" .,. I see about 10 subboxone junkies a day..
so you can post your hearts content how much this drug helps, maybe helps people look better when its an illusion .. They are still up to the same game. Stealing to get more money for drugs. And now its suboxone.

What the OP needs is 100% clean time for 20 days..

 

And you can post to your hearts content as well, but it does not mean your method will work for everyone. Suboxone enables people to stop stealing and at least function to the point where they can begin to think about their situation. When someone is selling their posessions, stealing from work and losing a job over it, that person may not have the desire to be entirely clean, for many it is unimaginable. Being put on suboxone with a therapist can allow someone to step out of the opiate addicts typical lifestyle, remove themselves from the dependency on the people who are controlling them via the drug, and remain that way long enough to hopefully come off the suboxone without going right back to the same crowd or lifestyle that kept them going with the full agonists. Your experience may have led you to believe that people prescribed suboxone are no different than people buying oxycontin or heroin off the street and lying and stealing in order to maintain, but this is definitely not my experience, though I have of course encountered the type. People, in general, are not so stupid as you make them out to be, nobody is under any 'illusion' that suboxone is anything but an opiate (albeit one that does not work as the others), it is a step in a process and wether or not you approve it does not mean it never works.

 

those prices are ridiculous. anyway, your still young you have your whole life ahead of you.
i wish i didnt have to take medicine.i dont get any negative side effects from them,they just take off the edge.
i know what your going through though,i had a similar problem as you do now,the only diff is i had a shitload of money,which is worse in my opinion since supply never runs out.i had to disassociate myself with my so called friends that were on the same path.it was hard because i usually paid for everything.what made me stop was the way those people in my life started to look.there skin was horrible,they looked decrepit.
finally 1 day i had enough i dropped all my so-called friends, and started my life over just by will-power.i felt like shit for awhile but finally overcame it,i met new friends stayed away from anyplace that will possibly have those type of people.it wasnt easy but i had strong willpower..
i wish you the best in your recovery.i would suggest rehab for you.the reason why is,if you have to sell your belongings or your livelihood to get drugs then you need help or you will be in jail in no time

 

umm .. well rock bottom is different for everyone.. i didnt see the good life i had until it was gone. . my brother doesn't trust me, my mom doesn't trust me, n my dad doesnt even know or care .. im fallin apart in school n shit .. stressed all the time.. in so much debt, yeah i could be dead but i'm not so as far as living it's pretty misserable .. yeah maybe not rock bottom , but down in the dumps for sure , and then everyoen gossipin boout u n shit .. idk .. i know rehab would prob be my best option but my insurance won't cover it unless i'm in school and i can't take time out, not to mention it won't cover it all i would still owe like 5-15 thousand on my part .. suboxone maybe.. i've bought them before to hold myself over for a day or 2 before acquiring more money or debt to buy more pills .. and pills here are like 25-30 for a roxy30 and 55-60 for an opana .. if u buy bulk they go to like 23-25 a blue and 50ish for a pana .. i know where everyones comin from im not offeended , i'm lookin back at this post i created last nite n keep thinkin how stupid i am after i actually read it .. didnt realize some of my probelms until i hear it from myself .. cuz i don't see it when other peopel tell me

 

I'm sorry that this has happened to you brother

hitting rock bottom may not be so bad, if that's what it takes for you to get clean

yeah, fessing up to your mom and your brother might be good. sounds like you need some help now to get clean

you can put this stuff behind you. you still have two arms and two legs. you don't have HIV. as bad as things are, they could be worse

however you do it, I hope that you can get clean

I'm rootin' for you brother. hope to hear a post again soon with good news

 

Dude that is not rock bottom. You have alot of years left to gain things to lose. I agree that subutex helps, it helped me, but I am still an addict. I would say if you are really serious about quitting call your state's department of human services. In Wisconsin, they cover counseling, just as luck would have it, only in my county do they not cover maintenance therapy, but in most counties they do so I imagine you can at least get on methadone for next to nothing, and it will help. The problem is, that no matter what you are now an addict so treat the disease, you wouldn't let diabetes kill you without seeking help, same deal. Just go talk to someone about your states resources and do whatever you have to to make it like we all do. I can guarantee that it wont be the last time you try to quit dope.

 

A great counsellor and suboxone saved my life. It's not trading addictions that's a ignorant statement! I've been in your shoes mikevicc it gets better. Go get help you need it.

I'd go thru 100's of roxi's in no time, never did that with subs. Never went up in sub doses always went down. It's not trading addictions but get counseling also!!!

Good luck in what ever you decide!

 

Have you sucked someone's dick for pills? THAT is rock bottom! Do you live with your parents or by yourself? Chances are if you live with your parents you most definitely haven't hit rock bottom yet because you don't have to worry about rent and food. You should definitely seek some help, maybe some counseling or something. I hope things get better for you, I know it's hard but try to keep your head up and stay positive.

 

In all honesty i agree with etkearne. I think suboxone + therapy is the best route for you. I understand what other people are saying and how they dont have sympathy...but i do.

I was in your shoes a little over a year ago. Doing the same shit with my using buddies as you did. I luckily, yes luckily. Got caught up and had to start drug court. I was very resentful and hated it at first. I thought they were trying to change me but in the end they were just bringing back and restoring the old me. I couldn't of done it without the help my counselor, psychiatrist, suboxone, P.O. and my own self will. Their is a way out. You have the opportunity to put this behind you and then a year from now you can look back and thank god its not that way anymore. I know im thanking something upstairs if its god or whatever. Just think about it, its your life and it doesnt have to involve opiates. I thought at one point i wasnt complete without opiates but now im better than ever. Good luck.

 

Lol what? Me being gay aside; a person can sink far lower than that. You are probably joking, so I'll leave it right there.