resisting the feeling of wholeness/nothingness

im not the best with words.. and i just wanted some insight from you..
i had a recent trip last weekend.. rather mild,only 1.5 hits of good L... but im always able to take my body and mind far places despite the amount of lucy taken in.. i havent tripped in about 2 yrs.. anywho, i usually have this reocurring feeling of wholeness and bliss and feeling of "becoming everything"..(this time it happened immediately after getting lost staring at the stars. and this only happens when i trip alone, which is almost every time..this great feeling also comes with paranoia and fear.. as if im the only person on earth, and i dont know my identity.. im sure this is ego-loss..well i resorted to scrambling for my phone to call my pregnant girlfriend to come home to make me feel secure.. i felt soo bad.. but why do i resist? why cant i let go, and enjoy this moment of eternity? where i was living as a soul in the moment.. everything came to a stop, and i literally walked in a spiraling circle until i felt everything around me caved into my chest.. i also felt as if some higher power was coming for me..i instinctively blurted out "I AM THE ONE" and all i could think of was my best friend and girlfriend.. theres more to it but i dont want to ramble..
The feeling is also sooo familiar.. like youve been there before.. and it shouldnt come with fear.. i just want to be able to let go and enjoy the feeling.. but for some reason its difiicult for me..shit..
Has this happened to anyone of u?

 

you took 1.5 hits, so right off the bat you didn't go in with the intent of wholeness.

 

so youre saying i wasnt ready for it, and i couldnt accept it?

 

LSD and most psychedelics are largely influenced by the mindset and setting. So taking half a hit is a sign to me you weren't ready to fully embrace the experience. With all that's going on in your life that's understandable, but I certainly think it could play a role in influencing your trip immeadiately and preventing you from giving fully into the trip.

 

i am very aware of that..ive dosed countless times.. just never more than 4 good hits..
i WANT to fully embrace it.. im just always worried about negative thoughts.. because i know they will come sooner or later.. nobodys life is absolutley perfect.. i come from a broken family, and mother who passed away when i was 11.
it was 1.5 hits, dunno if u accidentally typed "half a hit", if that makes any difference.

 

1.5 = "half a hit"

 

i thought GB was just making a joke. like, you cut one of those hits in half...so it wasn't intentions of wholeness

i've got that feeling of "wholeness and bliss and feeling of "becoming everything""
but not much of the scary part...

if i do notice and LSD trip starting to turn "sour" i try to change my setting, even if in some small way - change the music, turn it on/off, change the room you're in, go outside (or go back in)

maybe if you take more, it will be harder to resist? there's nothing to be afraid of, but i'm sure you already know that.

 

One thing about LSD is it is so highly variable, an amplifier of the multitudes of variability of the human condition if you will. There can be so many things behind your feelings but one thing sounds clear, it's happened more than once so it is definately part of you.
IMO, there is only one person that can sort that out, and it is you. My suspicion is that this is not truly "ego loss" as you were probably not that far out there but a partial loss of your normal self awareness and image may be contributing to that feeling. LSD does that. You said this happens when alone, tripping alone causes me to look inward, as opposed to being with someone else or in a setting that keeps me focused on the outward. And often people want to avoid looking deeply inward. This is a major contributor for bad trips I feel. It can be scary looking at yourself.
I would cautiously suggest this. Talk to your girlfriend about this in as much detail as you can. Hopefully she is supportive. Consider an experience with as much or a bit more (2 hits?) than your last with your g/f nearby but do your journey alone. (maybe camping if you have a good spot, maybe stay at home with her hanging with a friend nearby?) Spend some time beforehand examining your intent, what you feel leads to these feelings, your life "issues" that may contribute, etc. Then jump in. Trust in yourself and the process.
The reason I say all this is... I'm reading that you feel there is more to this than just not enjoying the experience, that maybe there's something bigger than not enjoying a particular aspect of a psychedelic experience underlying all this. If that's the case it's worth exploring and trying to address. And one wonderful thing about LSD is it only takes a brief flash of a moment to shout "EUREKA!!!", to have the epiphany that makes sense of it all. And if you can manage to grab on tight with both hands and bring it back with you, it can change your life.

 

I think guerr is pointing out something interesting and he's got a point, why 1.5, why not 1, or 2, why the .5? Hesitation?

Cub I think this is two things. The first is that ego loss is inherently scary sometimes / in some ways, since its the destruction of the "I". Even though the option is there for bliss and contentment, being lost and at one with the cosmos, nevertheless there can be a struggle. Which brings me to point 2, your dose. You are dosing in a range that is just perfectly ripe for said struggle. 1.5 hits of any blotter these days isn't going to give you the full melting experience, so there will always be a struggle there. It will take you just far enough so you can taste it, then it will trough away and leave you coming back to ego, feeling you have somehow failed, when really it's just a matter of the volume of LSD in your synapses. If you want the full experience, take 4 again, or more. It's perfectly normal to hesitate and turn away from the option of ego death, I have done so many times and so has anyone on this board who has flirted with those doses; it really is as intense as one would imagine dying to be. On top of this you didn't give your brain enough chemical OOMPH to really get the job done properly.

So don't feel bad and don't blame yourself You didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't the right time for that experience.

 

Is this your first child?
As a father of two, by two different women, I can speak from experience and say that while awaiting the birth of your first child, taking psychedelic drugs can become much more introspective and very difficult to deal with. A lot of self conscious insecurity arises as the awareness of being responsible now for another human being for the rest of your life settles in. Becoming a father is more of a trip than any drug, believe me. If this is not your first child, then this doesn't necessarily apply to you, but I post it here in case someone does find themselves in this position.

I recently had another total lifestyle change to deal with while undergoing psychedelic realignment, specifically with DMT. Having had the trips about being a father, I then was abandoned by the mother of my first child (not to rain on your parade, but also my ex 'best friend' lol), I now had to confront something that had caused me suicidal tendencies and contributed to the ruin of my childhood, coming out to the world as gay. I came out to the mother of my daughter, my second child, and I kept it from most everyone else for a few weeks until I had a major DMT breakthrough. All of that nervous, self conscious over analyzation was present before going into the trip, and it was very similar to my mental state when I was first going into parenthood. However, as I'm sure you know, DMT is very powerful and almost always forces you to give in, so this is quite different.

I echo the suggestions of the previous posts here, that this was most likely a less then "whole" amount of acid, and quite honestly your lucky to even have approached "it" as close as you did, though this is likely due to you active imagination and artistic nature. Work out your adjustment to welcoming an innocent and pure being into this world of trash and then take more, would be my advice. Some things in this life are not meant to be worked out with these chemicals, and I say that as an obsessive psychedelic enthusiast.

 

While LSD is very adept at causing one to see "connections" like these, I believe it is not so much the amount of squares nor a hidden "meaning" behind a half square, rather, it's all about us. LSD is just the gas in the car. Half a tank doesn't make it run poorly and will get you down the road to the store just as well as a full tank.
One and a half squares of blotter is nothing different that 50% stronger tabs. And from the several reports of people (Writer included) that have done fractional amounts it isn't indicative of half-assed intent.

 

The pun that may or may not have been intended which sparked this part of the conversation was not the point I was echoing, only that judging by the OP's reaction to the moment under discussion, by his own admission he was unable to let go, he seems to have had an underwhelming amount of the drug. Had he been in a position to struggle and yet "be there" regardless, this would most likely have been a bad trip type of thing.

 

I don't think it's half-assed intent at all.

We are animals that overtly and subtly have physical stimuli influence our mental processing/perception. Physically eating the LSD is the first step in this process (no turning back after this) on the road to a trip that is characterized by stimuli influencing mental processing/perception. I don't think the gas analogy really works in regards to LSD because the mindset and setting are such crucial elements, but to entertain the analogy, I'll just object and say that half a tank doesn't get you as far as a full tank.

I've seen Writer and others use fractional tabs in a more functional sense like for work, concerts, specific events, etc. I've read plenty others, often novices with no frame of reference to the LSD experience have great times with having fractional hits. I don't think the half tab is a make or break deal to a LSD trip but looking at the title of the thread and some of the issues raised by the op which seemed like mostly a solid trip, I think various stimuli cues like fractional hits can influence one from achieving the 'pinnacle LSD experience' and full integration into those feelings.

 

I gotcha MR... well said, I don't wholly agree but I see your point.

Yes, but I think Writer did, more what I was pointing to.

Sure, I just don't see 1/2 tabs as significant to the point the OP was making. To me the 1/2 hit has nothing to do with

It is simply 50% more than one, 25% less than 2. That's all.

If the store is just down the road, it matters not. My analogy was, what's more important is the condition of the car and it's driver.

Now if you're saying the OP is unable to "let go" because it's not an overwhelming enough amount, thats a different POV. But again, that is seperate from 1/2 hits. Would 5 1/2 hits do it?

Agreed!

Again, I just don't see a correlation between that one issue, and 1/2 tabs.
The "pinnacle" experience is a different subject than what seems to be the point the OP was asking about. It was also stated that this happens every time he trips solo, which I am assuming does not always include 1/2 tabs.

I dunno, I feel it's an inside thing, the 1/2 tab has nothing to do with it, and I was just sharing my experience with trips, that I feel that it would behoove him to take a long, hard, honest look inside and try to work through it. It may be nothing, it may lead to a life changing personal revelation.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a discussion. I merely wanted to share my experience with looking at something head on and trying to address it.

 

^Probably mostly is an inside thing and the 1/2 tab may be a subtle reflection of that. I'm just giving my recommendations as well and you can't say 1/2 tab has nothing to do with it, only give your advice.. I'm surprised you being one of those that holds LSD so high on a pedestal for it's ability to alter the mind and perception can't even acknowledge those type of things possibly effecting a trip.

 

These types of issues are some of the deeper 'inside' layers that may cause you problems during LSD experience(s) and certainly can prevent you from attaining to reach the 'pinnacle LSD experience'. Unfortunately, I don't feel confident enough or possess the appropriate credentials to give you advice on how to face these issues as it pertains to entheogenic use. Based on what's going on in your life currently, I'd probably recommend going on hiatus from LSD and your mental concerns surrounding it. Perhaps something to be picked up and resolved at a later date.

 

Dood... lol... I'm not not acknowledging those type of things possibly effecting a trip. You missed when I used words like feeling.

But then you go on to kind of echo my sentiments...

And that's what I was expressing.

 

I apologize if I misunderstood there but I am acknowledging the 1/2 dose as possibly playing some role.

 

You missed the first half of the sentence you quoted above.
S'all good man... nothing about psychedelics are absolute. :love:

 

even the famous (red) shivas?! i got pretty "full melting" from ~1.3 of those