Need desperate help with relationship

I need help to understand this guy that I have been involved with.

1. He has told me that he has never been involved with another guy but he has admitted that he has slept in the same bed with other guys, has taken a bath in the bath tub with another guy (incidentally one of my friends said that this suggests that it would be sexual in nature since a bath tub is so small).

2. He refers to this other guy that he lives with as "his boy". I asked him to describe how he feels about all of his guy friends and when it came to him he made the statement "he will always hold a special place in my heart".

3. We were at a restaurant and he kept starring at this one waiter the whole entire time. I asked him what he kept starring and he said that it was because he thought his hair looked amazing. When trying to get clarification he said that he was meaning his hairstyle. Later he said that the reason why he starred at him was because he knows I'm gay and felt that I wouldn't judge him. He said that he wouldn't have acted this way around his former girlfriend or anyone else.

4. I have asked him if he would ever do something with another guy. He states that if he were out of town and his family weren't around that there would be a 40% chance that he would do so. Then, he conflicts this by saying he doesn't feel that way anymore, then it changes back to the way that it was stated and the cycle goes over and over again.

5. He has lived with two other girls and when they have lived with him he essentially treats them like garbage and shows absolutely no affection for them. When he has talked with his girlfriend they would discuss certain actors and who is hot and so forth. He has done the same thing with his Mom. He claims he prefers to live with a guy over a girl.

6. One time he was in the shower and made the statement that he in mainly into girls. I have asked him if he likes guys and he will say no. Other times he says describes himself as sexual. He will later say that it's basically like him deciding to drink or do other things, he can make a choice.

7. He refers to other guys as one of three things or sometimes all the same -- as "cute, hot or sexy." He has also rated other guys on a scale to 1 to 10 as that of being hot. He will later when he describes a guy you know what he is trying to say but he will hold off from using these words, and other times when you ask him about rating another guy he will say no he can't do that anymore because he doesn't think that way anymore.

8. When I go to visit with him at his house he will be with this other guy that he lives with. He has on more than a half dozen occasions said to me to give him a bj and will expose himself while doing so. He does this in front of the other guy that he claims "will always hold a special place in his heart" and "his boy" and the other dude will do the same thing and I will ask them if their serious and my friend will say yes, and even asked can you handle two at once? I don't act upon it because I'm not interested in this other guy. I feel that their being serious, but then later on they will state that they were just joking. It's kind of hard to believe it when they both expose themselves and it has happened repeatedly.

9. I try to discuss these issues with him but he always changes his answer. At first I thought it was confusion, but his actions state one thing, and his words don't measure up with his actions.

10. Whenever he mentions he needs help with something he will frequently mention the other guy to his family, and never says my name at all. He treats him so much better. It's like he doesn't really care about me and prefers the other guy. The other guy whenever I try to offer to help will jump in and want to do it all and it's like I don't have a choice as if nothing was going on it would seem like it wouldn't matter to him if I did help as to balance everything so he could help out, and I could too.

11. In a recent conversation with a friend they were talking about a girl and he out of the blue asked this other guy "What is so special about her boyfriend, what is he cute?" I later brought it up and he said that he would have to ask the other guy if that was what he had stated.

12. He and I will go somewhere and one time he mentioned something about a check. I asked him how he got it and was just curious. He said that he got some money from selling parts to friends. Later, he said that he borrowed some money from a close friend. Then, he later the next day when I told him he was being conflicting said that he didn't know what I was talking about and that he didn't remember going to the bank and that I must be making things up.

I could go on and on with all of this. but the point is that I have been with him for 4 years now, and nothing has changed. I guess what I would like to do is get some advice from others and opinions as to what you think is going on? Why can't he just be honest with me? Has anyone ever been through this before? I use to think he was confused but after all this length of time he must know who he is, and how he truly feels. The hard part is that any other guy I could just move on, but I truly fell in love with him and now I'm finding out how hard it is when you truly love someone that it's easier said than done to get over them. Please, please give me some insight and opinions and what you think he is and why he does this to me? Thank you very much.

 

He might just be bi-curious. I have a ton of friends that I love and there are a few that have special places in my heart too, some that I can't live without because they are such good friends and people. The definition of someones sexuality is "Who they want to have a sexual relationship with". He could just be using men as a past time, or he could be bi. Either way you need to make him feel that he can talk to you about anything. Make him feel welcome and if he's bi he'll come out to you, don't push him. Eventually he'll come to you.

Or try reverse psychology and tell him about "you're friend that is bi that is such a great person", etc. just build off of it and make him feel that you are open to bi-sexual's and other types of sexualities. This should work pretty good. It's worked for me in the past and I love all my friends. I hope I was able to help you and good luck.

 

what do you mean 'been with him'? in a relationship? because he doesn't come off as relationship material at all. and from what you've described he also doesn't sound like he thinks what you and him have is a relationship. maybe you just meant 'been with him as friends'?

maybe not confused, but hating the way he feels about guys is another way to put it. i say it could be that. this kind of constant fluctuating back and forth is characteristic of guys who like men but also at the same time hate the way they feel. sometimes their physical urges win out and they will try to be with a guy and the next moment their brain kicks in and they act like it was all a joke or nothing at all to alleviate their self-hatred. i don't know if this is the case with your friend though.

another thing i can think of right now, that his behavior could indicate, and i only think this because of the check thing you mentioned (which was pretty confusing in itself) is that he is leading some sort of double life.

or he may have figured out how you feel about him and he's just teasing you. could be that as well.

if he is the type that hates himself for what he feels for guys then it's not a good situation for you to be in, mentally and emotionally. with guys who are like that this thing can go on for years and maybe for the rest of their lives. some of them act on their attraction for guys, but it's intermittent, and meanwhile you will go nuts waiting for them to make up their mind. some guys like this will marry women cause they believe that that can make those urges they get for guys go away. and forget about trying to talk to them about it either, you'll get the same polar ambiguous reactions as for anything else related to the subject.

i've never bothered with someone like that myself because they may never accept their feelings for other guys and while it is possible to find moments of happiness with them it's just not worth it in the long run. he may turn around and accept himself and yes that would be great, but he may just string you along for years unable to make up his mind and meanwhile you lose all that time to live your own life.

if this is the case with your friend i would get out of that 'relationship'. there are plenty of other amazing guys out there who know who they are, and are not afraid to act on it. guys who can be what you need them to be.

but you need to assess whether this applies to your friend or not.

 

I've delt with an indecisive guy before but got tired of his messing around with words trying to be straight and denied him of anything. In my case he soon took back all he said and begged for some love. Bottom line just don't go pressuring or trying too hard, you'll feel stupid and cheap for it. If they are unsure leave them be.