This is a work in progress, but I'm rather pleased with it so far. Any reactions, thoughts or constructive criticism is more than welcome. This isn't the big society, just the same old big brother, swinging his axe with crisis as his cover. And this motherfucker, cuts safety nets and lifelines, but it comes as no surprise, we can read the signs, we're not fucking blind. Now a few smashed windows makes us villainous thugs, but it's fine to spread democracy with the spilling of blood. If there's profit to be made then they don't give a fuck. There's no victim so there's no crime, but there's still thousands doing hard time. It's a hard line drawn in the sand, this generation will take a stand. We demand our rights, there's no denying us this. We'll get our way with words, or with a fist. We didn't come here to start a riot, but you're selling shit and we won't buy it. This is our reason for resisting, persisting in this quest, Despised by the rest, 'cause our protest isn't peaceful, but what do you expect when you ignore the people? The right is wrong, and the left is long gone, but we're half a million strong, and this is just day one. I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think.
You definitely have a way with words and this work has some of the feel of the protest poetry of the sixties. As you say, it's a work in progress. Personally I would try to shorten the first two lines of the third stanza so as to "even up" all the verses. Also stanza two has five lines and the rest only four. Guess its just me but I like balance in prose or poetry. Maybe lose two of the profanities so as to make the impact of "fuck" or whatever slightly more profound. To me "motherfucker, fucking & fuck" within two stanzas is too much & becomes overdone & boring. First stanza is really good and the last. I like your poem.
I like this poem! This is exactly the kind of stuff we need during these times! The whole world should read this poem! We workers are the peasants, and the rich and powerful live like 19th Century French royalty! Get this poem out there and read by masses of people!
Very good message. I'm always happy to see someone else ready to fight the good fight. There is no patern to the rhymes, so I would suggest not trying to rhyme just use the best words for your message. Also if you want to get something published, you hurt your chances by putting the piece up online b/c it's considered to have already been published in the public domain. Keep writing, and keep fighting.
Thanks for the comments guys. It's always good to have positive and constructive feedback. In terms of delivery, I read this in a rap/slam poetry kind of way. This, I feel, gives me some flexibility in the stanza length, rhyme scheme etc. I can see your point about the profanity jim kirby, I'll try to trim it down for greater impact. I've re-written this since I first posted it, and I think it's come a long way. When I get around to typing it up I'll put the new version here. Oh Fitch3k, thanks for the advice about publishing. I know they can be fussy about these sorts of things, but to be honest I have no real plans to publish my work.
