That's pretty twisted to be honest man. If you care about and love someone, you feel good when they feel good, and you feel a sense of pride when they accomplish things they wanna do, or they do something that contributes to them as a person. Why would you ever want to relish in the misery or another, especially someone you supposedly love. I'm not judging, I'm just saying. When someone cries over you it doesn't imply that they care, it shows they hurt. When someone loves you and makes you feel good and contributes to you as a person, that shows they care. Wanting someone to hurt implies the exact opposite of love and caring. It's spiteful and resentful.
It is the attraction of guilt. You feel better about yourself when someone needs or misses you because they have a better opinion of you, obviously than you do of yourself. You are not evil.
No, you're not "evil," but that sounds like Histrionic Personality Disorder. I'm not a doctor, but I've included what I think sounds like some of your symptoms from the Wiki page list: - Exhibitionist behavior. - Constant seeking of reassurance or approval. - Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions, such as hugging someone they have just met or crying uncontrollably during a sad movie (Svrakie & Cloninger, 2005). - Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval. - Proud of own personality, unwillingness to change and any change is viewed as a threat. - A need to be the center of attention. - Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification. - Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others. - Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are. - Making rash decisions. These symptoms and a potential personality disorder can prevent you from leading a full life and having real connection with friends and family. Seeking treatment will allow you to experience caring and closeness without hurting others, and you will gain more of their love and respect when you develop the skill set of getting what you need while caring for and fulfilling the needs of others. Your guilt will decrease and your life will be better than ever.
This; It sounds like you just might be seeking the appreciation of yourself from others, or that what you like from this is that the other person considers you such an important part of their lives that the hurt does such damage. It's perfectly normal to do so, but achieving this by purposely making, or getting off on someone feeling lonely or sad because you're not there for them IS fucked. My advice: You should first of all, try and cultivate genuine and honest self - approval/appreciation/love for your own well being. Then you should learn to be more caring and compassionate towards others before you cause some considerable damage to the people who matter most. What if someone close to you had this issue and got off on your negative feelings? Fucked up ain't it.
"Exhibitionism" refers the act or practice of behaving so as to attract attention to oneself, but we've come to expose it with that particular not so lovely image. However, you are behaving in a way to attract attention. You admit you do this for approval, to make someone sad to prove they care and you're powerful, and that you behave in an exaggerated way to achieve this result. Intellectual honesty is essential if you want to live a normal, emotionally healthy life. Most people do not display every single symptom right down the the specific example, but a personality disorder is a far more likely answer than being "evil."
I think it might be a mixed message to promote the cause of self worth and then something say something is fucked up. It is not mature behavior but precocious behavior is nothing if not common amongst children who feel they aren't getting enough attention. And if behavior does not bring adequate results then abstraction starts to take over as in feeling better in relation to another persons suffering.There is good in the world and we must have it is our motto and we get by hook or by cook. Your perspectives will change with time youngster.
