Ok so I guess this is pretty much a rant. I don't really know how to explain this too well... nor do I know how long this will be but here it goes... There's this girl who I met on connexion when it was still up, she goes to college practically around the block from me. We met in person and hung out a few times, after a while we started hooking up. She's the first girl I've ever kissed and had sex with. But she was completely open to letting me explore my sexuality in ways I couldn't with men. (Now just to make things clear, I had always been attracted to women but only ever been with men because that's the way I thought it had to be. I came out as bi in high school only because I had only dated guys. I now identify as lesbian, not only because she had let me experience what it felt like to be with a women, but because I was pretty much raped by the guy I had been on and off with for 5 years. I say pretty much because I had consented at first and it was my first time, but after a while I wanted him to stop and he wouldn't then made me go down on him. I don't know if that qualifies as rape since I originally consented. I tried having sex with another man after him but I just didn't enjoy it at all, in fact it makes me sick to my stomach.) Back to the story, She tells me over and over again not to fall for her. That she's an asshole and doesn't want to hurt me. Of course, me being who I am I reassure her that she wouldn't hurt me and that I wouldn't fall for her. After a while I actually became a little obsessed with her. She's all I ever talked about, all I ever thought about. We talked every day. Whenever I was about to say something to her she'd say it first and vise versa. It's like we knew what each other were thinking. If she wasn't so afraid of commitment I'm sure I would've jumped at any chance I got to be with her. She starts to get a little distant which at the time drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do, I thought it was something I did. I kept apologizing for every little thing and asking if she wanted me to leave her alone, but she'd never give me a straight answer. One night I had her over and after we had some fun she sat me down and told me she doesn't sleep with someone for more than a month or two. And it was getting very close to the time when she'd just not want me like that anymore. She get's bored easily she tells me, but still didn't want to lose me as a friend when it happened. Of course it upset me but I still smiled and told her that it didn't bother me and that I was expecting it anyway. Little by little we talked less and less. She'd blame it on school and stuff, which could very well be a big part of the reason, but I know if I wanted to keep in touch with someone even if I was busy I'd at least respond to their texts. It's getting harder and harder to even have a conversation with more than 2 sentences with her. I'll be honest, I don't have a lot of friends, I don't have a car and can't drive so the few I do have never invite me to things. So when someone tells me they want to stay friends with me I want to believe that they mean it. Even though I know it's not going to happen. I feel like I've completely wasted my time and effort to keep her as a friend. I don't have feelings for her anymore, and I don't want to have sex with her. But for some reason I can't stand the thought of kicking her out of my life completely. I don't know if it's because she's the first girl I've ever been with or what but I just feel like an idiot because of this whole thing....
My last post prolly seems pretty dumb to everyone, specially those with real dilemmas and problems. I just couldn't stand not talking about it anymore. You can ignore this thread or not, it doesn't matter. It was just a rant anyway.
Thanks for sharing this. I can understand of having a connection with someone especially when it's your first time, and the next time she tells you that she don't want to continue because she gets "bored" which is a lame excuse.
Yes, rest assured, you are feeling flustered because she is your first physical (and perhaps subconsciously emotional) encounter. Do I still think about the first woman I felt something for? Sure I do...but my heart doesn't pang with the raw emotion it did right after the connection dissolved...not anymore. Unfortunately, you had to have experience with someone who wasn't exactly into commitment or exclusivity for a long period of time. She told you prior to being with you the way she operates, but hey,...who wants to listen to warnings when our physical and emotional desires are at play? Not I, for one. This woman's behavior sounds very similar to how I once was in my restless youth. I would get "bored" easily...which is really just a superficial means of appeasing the ego. This is in *my* experience; by jumping from one lover to the next, the person doing so gets an ego boost of some sort...whether the lover she sought out seemed 'unattainable' and is 'attained' (aka. the challenge is over) , she wants to feel desired and sought approval but the desire/approval has been 'attained' or seeks self-validation via others and does so through relationships or sexual encounters. This is not intended to diminish the validity of your feelings at all. I merely say this, because this is how the ego-centered human psyche works. I once was this way, and found a kinder, more authentic path, especially with dealings of the heart. We can only hope your past lover will do so as well. As for you, it will take time to find acceptance, to grow and to move on...people say that all the time, but it's true. In the meantime, rant away.
Thanks for that. She did always say she had a big ego lol. But really, thank you, you kinda made me see it through her eyes a little I guess. And yeah I know it takes time to get over someone/something. It's taking me a little longer than I'd have wanted but it's getting easier not talking to her all the time.
No problem. You may also find peace in the fact that there are 'more fish in the sea'. One of those lame cliche's, but no less true. This experience will teach how to behave (or not behave) in latter relationships. And you will find someone who does want you around all the time. It hurts now, yea I bet it does. Remember to not talk to her or contact her, that just feeds the power she has over you. You'll move on with the help of healthy distractions and new, better experiences ahead of you.
