When your partner has anxiety

I mean like an anxiety disorder. We've been together a year last sunday. Everything is great, for the most part. But he's got anxiety issues, like serious anxiety issues. I estimate that over the last year, he has an average of 2 to 3 "mini-crisis" a week and at least one major crisis a month. He doesn't have classic anxiety attacks, like where he feels like he's having a heart attack. He just spirals and spirals, and within minutes he's talked himself into a black hole of irrationality where I can't reach him.

His triggers are almost always either 1) money or 2) his health. Money is the biggest one. He joined the national guard this past august, and leaves for boot camp in 3 weeks. Part of his reason for joining is he can't stand the fact that he has student loans, and they're paying them off over the next 6 years. But he still freaks out about never having enough money. His freak outs about his health are regarding him getting some type of medical discharge and then he'll go back to being in debt forever. He acts like the military will discharge you if you get a cold. He also used to be on klonapin to help with the anxiety, but since he joined he won't take it, or anything else because it'll show up on a drug test.

For example, just today I went over for a few hours before he had to work, and he seemed to be in a good mood and we hung out for a while. Then suddenly he tells me he feels like ever since this morning, he feels like he's not emptying his bladder all the way, and he thinks he has bladder stones, and the military is going to find out, and then he'll get discharged, and then he'll have debt again, and then before I left he goes "I hope you don't mind living in a duplex!"

I mean, seriously, COME ON!!!!!! He's driving up the fucking wall with this shit, it happens every single week, at least. He gets SO defeatist about everything, and if I say anything about how it's not so bad, and that's not true, all I get is "No! You don't understand!...I'm not being irrational, this is reality!" and various usage of "always/never/every single time."

He watched his parents declare bankruptcy when he was a teenager. I know this because he's told me this fact at least 400 fucking times since I've known him, and I don't know how to tell him to shut up about it without sounding like an insensitive bitch. He's also always saying how he feels like his parents never prepared him for adulthood, and he feels gypped because of it, and blah blah blah. I'm not trying to sound like I don't care that he went through these things, but at some point you just have to quit complaining and deal with it. I just wish he'd move on already. He claims that if he had enough money, his anxiety would go away, but I'm really starting to doubt this.

The most frustrating thing of all of this, aside from dealing with an inconsolably irrational person, is that I feel like I'm never allowed to say anything about it. He also has some underlying anxiety that I'm going to leave him (which I'm not), and if I say anything negative about his freaking out he either completely denies it, or he'll bring up the fact that he doesn't want to lose me and he'll act like me saying anything negative means I'm going to leave him. So, every time I want to say anything, I don't, because it's just gonna escalate his irrational thoughts. So I feel like his anxiety is holding me emotionally hostage, and I'm really getting fed up.

The thing is, I don't believe for a second that he's doing any of this deliberately or to hurt me, and he has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. I almost wish he was an asshole, so I could just say fuck you, this is your fault. But I can't, cause I don't think it's entirely his fault. But I can't help but feel like he's not entirely blameless in this.

Sorry it's so long, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

does he do any drugs? or does he smoke marijuana?

 

is he seeking professional help? i assume you're not a licensed therapist and may need someone else to try and 'help' him.

i have pretty bad anxiety and i deal with it. it's fucking hard.. but i've had a lot of professional help to get where i am.
if he's freaking out and not functioning, how is he gonna do in the national guard? that can be a stressful environment!

what about you? co-dependent issues? doesn't really sound like it from this.. but... might not hurt to get your head on straight-er too.

:grouphug:

 

I wonder if he could have a little o.c.d. going on with some bipolar issues ? Could explain the rapid mood swings . Boogabaah is right too , the military my be a real problem for him if he has anxiety issues . Especially if he can't get any treatment for it , because of drug tests . He could very well risk a medical discharge if he reveals it . However I would think the military has rampant anxiety issues and p.t.s.d. going on right now. so maybe they could help him get some help . In any event it seems that he is going to have to get some kind of medication to help control it ,If he can't on his own . And I wouldn't think they screen for medications like anti anxiety drugs , but I don't know that . And even if they did it's legal from a doctor, so it's legit . So it seems to me , that they would either have to help him with it , or give him a medical discharge I guess. I don't see how they would have such a big problem with it though , the more I think about it . Hey he's willing to serve and they need all they can get today . And it's national guard , not active full time .

 

He doesn't do drugs, and won't smoke weed, they have random drug testing in the military, so that would just cause him more anxiety. He rarely drinks.

He's had drill for 2 weekends now and although I hate to admit it (since I'm still not in love with the idea of him being in the guard) it seems to help him gain confidence. That's another issue he has. When things get tough, he bails. Not in relationships, just in other situations. The military is basically forcing him to deal with whatever he may be feeling at the time and press on anyway. He really joined because he saw it as a way to improve himself. He's being deployed in June, but he's going to Kuwait, which is basically a resort center compared to Iraq or Afghanistan, so I'm not as worried with that. It's just dealing with it when he's home.

He has a long history with counselors, and was seeing someone for a while, but he's got baggage with them and doesn't really open up to them like he does with me. I probably should mention that he was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 (a milder form, mostly depression, not as much mania). I've encouraged counseling before, but he says it doesn't work for him, and that most of them are only in it for the money, blah blah.

And I'll be the first to admit I have codependency issues, it seems to run in my family. But I'm not miserable, I just worry that he's gonna come back from Kuwait (when he's supposed to have saved up some money) and nothing will change. But of course no one can predict the future. I did call him out on his shit today, I think he was pissed, but whatever. I just don't want to keep having to be a bitch to get my point accross, it just seems to be the only way he'll listen when he gets like that.

 

I just asked about the drugs because I know they can cause anxiety like this...but since he is in the military that makes sense...

His parents were probably constantly worried about money. I know my mother was and I see this quality come out in me all the time even though I don't want to admit that I am like her. I have that exact same problem with anxiety and money. Being worried about it seems normal because that's what a grew up around. He probably just doesn't want to grow up and become like his parents swallowed in debt.....

I know how he feels...its scary.

 

I understand you were upset at the time, but from the OP, I'm questioning why you are with him.

Also, if you aren't prepared to be in it for the long haul; whether his anxiety gets better or worse, lasts a few more years or a few more decades; maybe you should reconsider.

 

i know how you feel, although it's a little different here because it goes both ways. i have lot's of my own problems with anxiety, as does my wife. she is doing her masters now and it's just like back when she was in school for her bachelors degree, performance anxiety about everything even though she always gets really high grades.

my advice is to get him in to CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). i've just started it after putting it off for a while and it seems great so far. basically they teach you to recognize irrational thoughts and change them, not so much of the typical therapy thing where they analyse your past and look for mommy/daddy issues.

and taking klonopin or other benzos isn't going to be a problem if they are legitimately prescribed by a doctor. he might be afraid to ask about it because he thinks he'll get in trouble, but it might be worth it for you to call the recruiting office anonymously and ask about it. it might help get rid of some of his anxiety.

 

I didnt have anxiety while in the military, my mind was to busy for that..

 

double post ooops!

 

a separated double post. that's like a five leaf clover in these days of high speed internet.

 

CBT, you can do it yourself. Anxiety is caused by the misapprehension of what is so, imagined danger. Bring him back to today. He worries about a future of debt, but dear we have money today. He worries about his health, do I need to take you to the emergency room? Like that there. Be with him, bring him to you. Although he specifies threats, his real concern is for security, love.

Anxiety can be quelled physiologically through the extension of exhalation. It is why they sing and chant at religious events and find it uplifting, although they don't in general recognize that. The reason it works is because anxiety is attended by physiological irritation, the buildup of toxic compounds, to breath out is one way we excrete toxins. You've heard the expression, take a deep breath.

It is good that he talks. Speaking extends exhalation. When he starts to go off try and direct the conversation by asking questions, it will break his train of thought and cause him to slow down to consider the answers.