Hi, I'm 18, and a girl. I don't know what I want any more at all. For most of my teenage years, I kept trying and trying to get a boyfriend, had various crushes, pining after guys but never talking to them blah blah blah, and I was at an all girl school. I had one boyfriend, which lasted just under a month, and though the kissing was alright, I really just was not that into him, and I feel like I may have dated him for bravado and maybe even desperation Anyways, when I turned 16, I moved to a mixed boarding school. I had a crush on this absolutely beautiful guy, and he thought I was kinda funny, but also thought I looked really guy-ish and a bit of a freak :/ After this, I developed some weird relationships with girls. :S Now, I've always been kind of curious about girls, but I always suppressed whatever feelings I had (which up until now have been pretty scarce) Over my two years at boarding school, I had 2 weird semi-emotional lesbian relationships with girls. As in, we were best friends, but I got wet over them and sweated around them and was nervous etc. I never really wanted to do anything with them though, and thought it was just my body being weird - other people noticed that the friendship was a little intense though. 2 of my friends have both told me they think I might be lesbian, because I have a really deep voice, I play the drums, I'm pretty boyish, I don't really talk to guys, and I only fancy reallllly hot (like, TV hot) guys. These days, I've gotten over my awkwardness with guys, and I'm at a really small college for a year. I don't really feel anything for any of the guys there, except one, whom I, yet again, have a crush on. I'm totally not his type, and I am almost positive it'll never happen, he's too popular, too much of a manwhore etc. Another guy, who I thought I definitely should like, took me out for lunch, and asked for my number, and I felt really anxious about it... I really didn't want to do anything with him, which was weird as before I thought he was kinda cute. These days I find myself more turned on by girls, but mentally turned on by guys. I see pictures of girls and get wet, but for a guy he has to be really muscular and manly and handsome and just ridiculously perfect for me to have the same reaction. I have guy friends, and I don't even find them that interesting. The guys I think really interact on my level (at least at my old school) were again, really popular, good-looking, outgoing, and I was too shy at the time to really get the confidence to even try being friends with them. When I'm on the train to college, I look at everyone and ask myself if I think they're hot, and when in my mind I think a guy is hot, I don't get nervous or horny or anything, yet I look at a girl I don't even think is hot and my body starts getting all weird and turned on... I feel like I'm two different people. Really confused. Ideally, I'd want a guy who I was attracted to, who liked me for me and who was just a real gentleman... but then the guy who I thought I'd fall for took me out and I didn't even feel attracted to him at all... I know girls get me. I am really comfortable with girls. Although I'd love to deny it and pretend I'm not, I am really attracted to them. BUT my friends are all straight, some even homophobic, and my family even more so... to be lesbian at this point would just fuck everyone's head up, and cause unnecessary stress in my life. So... should I keep trying with guys until I meet someone who ticks all the boxes for me (my college is pretty small, so there's like no one to really choose from).... or should I bite the bullet and go find some lesbian youth club? It doesn't help that I haven't had any action for like 3 years... I've only kissed one guy, and never hooked up with anyone I actually liked. ALSO - to really fuck things up... when I feel confident about my femininity (i.e. more girly) I feel straight. When I'm wearing a sexy dress for example. Also, when I'm drunk, which is weird as I thought bi-ish girls got more lesbian when they're drunk.
I have yet to meet anyone your age who knew what he/she wanted. You don't have to be certain about anything - ever.
So... I mean, having said that, should I just take every situation as it comes? I feel like guys don't get me... does that mean I can wait until I find a guy that does? And when I feel like girls are attracted to me, it makes me feel really guilty and kind of... well nasty. Like there's one girl at my college who, I guess she's just attention-seeking, but whenever I'm talking to her and some other friends who are guys, she has to talk over them and sit right in front of me and... I dunno... she's quite pretty and when I talk to her my eyes dart loads... I'm guessing it sort of gives me away... and it gets a little too intense for me. I feel horrible about it afterwards, all guy-ish and lesbian and just.. I dunno I guess I'm so used to repressing lesbonic stuff that it now freaks me out when it happens... how do I get more comfortable about it.. knowing 1. that most people at my college are straight so there's no point in pursuing girls there 2. I don't really want to hook up with this girl anyways... I don't think it's a crush I don't really have any lesbonic desires... or any desires of any kind.. I just get turned on... To my knowledge, I don't wanna kiss a girl, but I've never really gotten close enough to anyone I like (guy or girl) to really know Tbh, I'm just pretty lonely.
Yes, if that's what you want to do. So feel lesbian/guyish - sexuality is not a static thing. If it bothers you that much, go join a convent - err, wait, no don't do that.... So get turned on. You can't force yourself not to - can you? How can you say in the same sentence that you don't have desires and then say "I just get turned on"? I think you'll experience much less inner conflict (and more joy) when you learn to stop trying to resolve what you want, with what you perceive that others expect you to want. #1 that perception is rarely correct #2 it's got nothing to do with anything outside of yourself - if you continue to try to live outside yourself, then you're asking for a lifetime of chronic unhappiness. Lonely or Lovelorn? There's a difference. Your complaint is that you've never really gotten close enough to anyone to know whether or not your straight, bi, or a mixture of the two. My advice, if you're lovelorn, is find someone (a male or female) who isn't a selfish asshole (good luck with that) and who you are at least physically attracted to and make an effort to get close to them, engage them in a relationship. This doesn't have to be your future spouse, life partner - you're fucking crazy if you start shopping for that while you're still in school. Find them, sleep with them, have as much fun as you possibly fucking can - and if they ever hurt you or abuse you, or make you feel terrible - drop them like a bad habit and look for someone else. That's if you're lovelorn. If you're lonely, your friends suck and you need to find better friends. No one with truly good/close friends (or even an affectionate cat) will ever feel lonely. Finally. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single. It's great. It's so much better being single than wishing you were. In fact, it's brilliant, when compared to being tied down to someone you resent. In my opinion, people in general spend and unhealthy amount of time in the company of others. You can't - I don't care what anyone says - YOU CANNOT really know yourself, by getting to know others. And you will never, NEVER, really understand what YOU NEED to make yourself happy, until you truly get to know who and what the hell you're all about. I'm not suggesting you become a hermit, not that there's anything wrong with that.
Well, thanks for your advice. The main reason I've been feeling lonely is because I'm taking a year out by myself, staying at home and going to a new college. Everyone there is at least a year younger than me, and we're from totally different social backgrounds. Not complaining, this'll be a great experience for me and a chance to grow to love new people, but I just came from boarding school where I met some of my best friends, and some of the people I connect with the most. Now they're all at university, so... I feel pretty transitional at the moment is all. It's quite different for me. And yeah, I'm gonna stick around and wait for a guy that makes me happy, because I think that's where I'll be happiest. I haven't really gotten to know any guys properly yet, so I think I might play this dating game thing for a while and see how it pans out. I just have to be careful that I'm being true to myself at all times, that's what guys respect the most, I think? No, jam, it's possible for something to turn you on (i.e. sexually arouse you) without you wanting to do anything about it. When I see a shirtless guy I think about grabbing him etc. When I see a shirtless girl, I'm more aroused but I don't really think about anything. But like you said, I need to stop thinking about things outside of myself, and start just being true to my feelings and stop over-thinking them. And yeah, being single's good, I'm tiring of it a little know, but hey better the devil you know...
