I think I overreacted on Sunday night. I fell asleep in a yurt in a public part of the local Occupy surrounded by a group of my friends. I woke up, took off my vest and jacket, and then realized I was alone in the yurt with one other person. Next thing I knew his arms were around me, he was kissing my neck, nibbling my ear. Thank God it didn't go beyond that. I have a (blocked) history of molestation, and that was such a huge trigger to me that I couldn't respond. Couldn't move. Couldn't speak. My mind was racing, telling me to run, to say something, to get away at any cost. I just couldn't do it. I managed to block it enough to go back to sleep. When I woke up in the morning I told someone I trust about what happened, and told him I was leaving camp because of it. I walked away from camp for a few hours, and went back to say goodbye to a friend of mine. The guy I told what happened to approached me, told me that he and some other people decided to take action about it. Asked for my okay. I granted it, though I was afraid. They called the individual that I was in the situation with and he agreed to stay away from camp for a week, then call back and reassess, all of which I was fine with. I agreed to stay in camp, moved my tent closer to theirs, between two which they inhabit, with my door facing into a canopy that the group of us hang out under. They made me feel safe and secure. I only told one other of my friends what happened to me. With the other couple people I told, I spoke about it in the third person, describing the situation as having happened to something else, disassociating with the emotional pain. In a lot of ways I internalized things that I felt (feel?) other people can't understand. The embarrassment of not saying no. The shame in being strong and autonomous all of the time, but weak when I had no reason to be. The hurt of knowing that he didn't mean to hurt me, but just didn't (doesn't) understand consent. The fear that because I was semi-promiscuous at camp (I slept with 2 people in a search for validation that always only leads to pain) they'd label me a slut, say I wanted it. The guilt that he was kicked out for a week when he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. The fear I was overreacting. Today shit hit the fan. In the face of internal tensions that are running rampant in the local Occupy people I don't know as well and certainly don't trust heard a rumor that he (the individual I was abandoned in the yurt with) was banned indefinitely, that some working group was involved, and a bunch of other bullshit. Suddenly people were pulling me aside and instead of telling me any of the conversations they had informing me that I had to have a mediation with him, not asking once if I was doing okay. In a lot of ways I've been so vulnerable lately that I felt they were demonizing me for not going through their process, one that I'm not emotionally or mentally strong enough for and one that definitely was not needed in this situation. Fortunately it got straightened out, with a friend of mine (whom I had spoken of the event to only in the third person) getting caught in the middle, and approaching me in a way I felt safe, and talking to me with another one of our friends there. I talked to him and cried in our friend's shoulder, breaking down into tears. He worked through the lies that the others had been told and made sure the truth in those fragmented ideas got to them. I had kept it quiet out of fear. Now I'm more afraid because I don't know who knows what happened, who thinks they know what happened, and what version of the story reached them, whether what they know is fact or fiction. I wrote the following journal entry about it on Monday morning, and it's one that still fits a lot of my opinion now: All the zines on consent in the world, all the workshops that are possible, won't help if people don't choose to pay attention. Consent shouldn't be assumed, it should be granted. I feel bad about what happened. I understand that it was as much, if not more, damaging because of me than because of what happened to me that night. But that doesn't change any of what I'm feeling right now, and me being sorry about any of it won't help me heal.
Jeezus...your post sounds like my brain a lot of times...not as regards the specific kinds of events, but just the continual circle of analysis, self-doubts, second-guessing of myself and others, self-incriminations, etc. So I will tell you as a somewhat uninvolved but highly analytical bystander that whatever your personal thoughts and struggles may be, I think you acted as well as you could under circumstances that include your own unresolved demons and coming to terms with who you are and what you believe. IMHO the guy should not have assumed that you were open to what he did. And furthermore by not checking for consent first, he was risking what might have been a far worse scenario...it's so good that he didn't go farther than that. That you froze up and said nothing is definitely a problem that you need to get a handle on...yet completely understandable given your experiences. I believe the universe works to bring about needed changes in us - and this experience was a wake-up call telling you that you need to find your voice. A friend I worked with a few years ago used to give me a hard time about my "paralysis of analysis." You have a lot of the same tendencies I do - a hyperawareness and hypersensitivity regarding people's opinions about you. I think these tendencies can be highly useful when paired with a positive and assertive self-concept - yet highly debilitating when paired with rampant self-doubt. You need to be willing and able to fuck up sometimes, in order to learn that it doesn't kill you and it in fact makes you more self-assured and resilient. In the meantime I think that outwardly you're handling the situation well. You can't control everything that people think and say, yet at the same time, damage control is good for everyone, and you're doing what you need to do in that area also, with a little help from friends. You owe no apologies to anyone for who you are, yet explaining why you acted as you did brings people's understanding and sympathy, and propagates more peace in the community. Living in camps definitely opens people to more risks of this kind. You've taken good and positive steps toward handling the situation in your own personal case, and I think your thoughts about organizing others around this concept are also needed in this improvised community you're in. In other words, dear: You're doing fine in difficult circumstances. Do try to lighten up on yourself. Blessings.
I don't think that you overreacted. you didn't do anything wrong, you're not to blame for anything it just sounds like an atmosphere where it's easy for conflicts to arise I think that it is understandable and reasonable for you to expect explicit consent at the same time, it's understandable and reasonable that someone might not ask for explicit consent I wonder if you could write a letter to the guy in question. something that communicates that you don't think that he had bad intentions, but that you didn't and in no way intended to communicate that you wanted to be approached sexually by him, and that the whole thing really freaked you out you might want to go into therapy, and also learn to assert yourself so that you could be better protected in the future hope that this all works out!
Thanks for the words of support. As much as I'd like to believe that I started this thread for the truth, I must admit that as much as I want people to be honest I also started this for validation. I've been so insecure in myself and my actions for the past few days that I needed to know that parties away from camp felt I wasn't in the wrong. In a lot of ways these events have been eye opening. I was in therapy for a while, but we never touched on molestation because I couldn't remember it. I still can't really remember it. It was incredibly empowering for first person I told about the situation to refer to me as a "survivor." I feel as though I've been victimizing myself in ways I would never tolerate another person victimizing me in, and a lot of the way I've been healing has involved other people making me see the strength in myself that I so often forget.
i don't think you over reacted, you were asleep and he was touching you, thats not right, he should not have been doing that to you while you were asleep and unable to give consent. it sounds like you have been through allot and i think as much as it might hurt you have to work through it, talk to someone get therapy so you can healthily work through what you have been through, or i think there will always be a part of you that will be scared. if you do work through it you will come out of the other side a better happyer person.
I don't know if I'm putting too much of my own experiences into this situation but CONSENT in your case was non-existent. Unless you guys had a dating history, you don't make a move on a girl who is SLEEPING, that's not making a move that just touching a girl and hoping that she's meek enough to lie still. What can clearly be said is it is always better to make a move when she is awake, and like in conversation with you. from a man who has kissed/groped 5 women in their sleep (years ago) I knew there was no consent. there wasn't always anti-consent but there was no consent. In four of those cases we were in same bed or a cuddle puddle so contact was more natural. In your case it seems like separate sleeping bags so yeah definite boundary crossing, so I totally validate your side. assert yourself. just her saying "no thank you, good night" "thank you for the massage but let's go to sleep" "[insert my name] what are you doing?" has stopped me from committing some mild form of sexual assault. (they spoke up 3 out of 5) (little rant I don't understand humans well, but why is it impossible in cases like this to say "this is what happened" "it's not a serious violation but it is a violation and behavior like that shouldn't be tolerated. I don't think anyone needs to be crucified but the violator really has got to change his game plan because frankly it's not cool, it's not free love, it's not progressive it's just creepy. maybe he didn't know better but he sure as hell knows now." promiscuity is lamest excuse ever for that type of behavior! the victim didn't lead him on they were asleep! geez. why is there always gossip? answer know talks directly to each other. )
I still feel really shitty about it. He was supposed to come back to camp today, but I wasn't there most of the afternoon (I left a few hours ago and am about to go back in like an hour), and a couple people still want me to have a mediation with him. I just really don't want to. In a lot of ways I feel like I should apologize to him. I know that isn't right, but it feels like I owe him an apology for my reaction. Like I'm at fault because he didn't know any better. FUCK
you don't owe him an apology, it's the other way around, I think maybe to someone who doesn't know all of the details, it seems like you just over reacted
