together 29 years, married 20. son is 12, daughter is 8. 3 years ago i decided i wanted out of the marriage. moved out of the house 2 years ago and bounced around a bit, stayed with friends for about a year. then rented a warehouse ( for my business), with a living area upstairs. had 50% custody of the kids for about 6 months there. but the living area was a 20 x 20 open loft. the kids had no privacy...they dont get along all that well. so it didnt work. And it was more than i could afford so i moved in with my girlfriend for the last 5 months. My children are struggling with the divorce....so i didnt want to introduce them to the new woman in my life so i have been taking them to my moms house on the weekends that i have them. The kids know about my gf. the daughter seems ok with it but my son is upset by it and doesnt want to be around her because he thinks it's her fault that i'm not with his mom anymore. It's not true but my ex has fed that to him . Here's my question.. I just found a house on 2 acres that has a shop on it where i could run my business, and it has enough rooms for my kids to have their own bedrooms. my ex, and a few others seem to think that i need to establish a home for just me and my kids before i move my gf in. I feel that i left my ex over 2 years ago and i'm ready to introduce my kids to this amazing woman i'm with. She has been so patient with all of this and it doesnt seem fair to her to be treated this way but i also want whats best for my kids....
2 Years Is More Than Enough Time, The House On Land Sounds Perfect. I Wish You All Happiness For The Future... Cheers Glen.
I honestly believe that kids are adaptable and that if you as a parent are happy and parent from there then the kids will be fine in the long run. If you do not participate in the ex spouse negativity and instead parent from your home instead it will go a long way in helping your children adapt and feel secure. I think that after two years it is not wrong at all to want your current partner in your life full time and that means that she should be in theirs as well. I would suggest that you both sit down and have a plan so that when the kids are there you parent from common ground so that they see a united front and maturity in dealing with any issues that are going to come up. Gradually they will adjust to that and if you are working as one or a team it will make that transition easier. I think your new living plan sounds like a lovely idea and I wish you and your new family unit much joy in your new surroundings.
Is that the truth, or just what you want to believe? Are you sure about that? I'm sure your son is totally incapable of his own train of thought And what makes her so amazing? If that were true, and it was actually the case the son is upset about the divorce, or that he's even upset then whats best for the kids, or him....would have been to stay married. Dont say that if its not true. I'm not trying to be a dick, but I can guarantee that on at least one of those things you are totally wrong. Your daughter is ok with it? Bullshit. Your son is upset about the divorce? He blames the new one for you not being with his mum anymore??? ....Not even close, you are talking about a 12yr old dude
thank you for the varied responses. i"m glad to hear from all of you. i'm obviously having some guilt about what my kids are going through. to answer some of the questions posted by VG. Those are my sons own words(that he blames her and doesnt want to be around her) and it is his own opinion. but fueled by his love for his mother. ( and i've told him that i am very proud of him for feeling that way. that it is an admirable quality to always take care of his mother) When he sees her crying and then hears her tell him that if not for this other woman your dad wouldnt have done this, it helps form his opinion..... the fact is that i left because of my wife and myself. Not anyone else. i tried for 30 years. Even stayed thru her having a 6 month affair with a co-worker. it's not like i haven't tried, I always said marriage meant forever, especially after the kids were born, I said i would never leave but the stress in our relationship was affecting how i was treating the kids and my ability to be a good Dad. And to answer "what's so amazing about the new woman"...it's just communication. and an ability to make every situation "better" rather than worse. If there was ever any adversity in my life , the last person i wanted around me was my ex. my gf is just a very positve person that finds the "good" rather than the "bad" in every situation and helps to solve problems rather than find someone to blame for them. looking forward to more input , as this is very difficult for me. thank you. oh... and as far as my daughter, yeah, she seems ok. now if I asked her if she wants me to be with Lorie, or come back to mom...well of course she wants mom and dad together. but she seems genuinly excited to meet lorie. but my ex hasnt done with her, what she did with our son. So she doesnt "blame" lorie.
You said 29 years together, so I'm guessing you are in your 50s, and I doubt you would have downgraded, so this Lorie would be younger, and given your daughters reaction reasonably pretty and perhaps together in the style department. As far as your daughters concerned Lorie represents a new barbie doll to play with, and may something of a style guru, more likely than her mum to chose what clothes, practice makeup etc. And even at 8 years old, she is still female, already she is going to know much of what comes from your ex is just play acting / crocodile tears i.e. bullshit. At 8 years old, just because she is still unable to read, comprehend and verbalise Tolstoy or Shakespeare, doesnt mean that little brain of hers isnt ticking over 4/5 times faster than yours. And at that age they are more likely to rely on instinct. So if she hears you talking like you just did there, with Lorie its about communication and she's a positive person yada yada yada - she aint going to go by the words out of your mouth, but by the fact that you act like an excited little kid around Lorie, the sound of your voice changes, your mannerisms, body language, that you are a lot more attentive now your daughter from the guilt of all this, thus she's getting more attention. And its the same thing with your ex when you are not around, your daughter is getting more attention from her mum because of all this. Its not now you have to worry about, its in ten years time when she gets dumped by the first serious boyfriend, then she'll remember back and the claws will come out. As for your son, seriously, has it really been that long since you were a 12 year old boy??? He acts distant, like he hates her, gets angry,uses that cover as a way to attack you. And you think that has nothing to do with Lorie's boobies or those 12 year old boy hormones? Aside from that, They dont give you the parenting manual before you start cos there are some things maybe you shouldnt know. All that competitive male bullshit, rears up with the father as well, they are supposed to hate the dad, or at least naturally assume they can do better, or compete with him. And now that your not with the ex, he is the head of the household back home, now manning up to that role, a little scary and like most guys the best way to handle that fear along with the newly raging hormones is to attack everyone else. Are you sure the same thing isnt happening back home with his mum, he's started to get more agro around her, ordering her about more? How would you know, the ex aint going to tell you, the son sure aint, and the daughter isnt, she's probably just glad her brother isnt quite such a dork anymore Difficult compared to what? Your kids are just going to be focused on how their world applies to them until they are well past their teens. And despite all that garbage talk about communication, positive vibes, connections....everyone else is just going to see a guy that traded in the wife for a hotter model....no use with the garbage talk , that will just make things worse
well, I think i understand your position. I have kids. and i commited to a marriage. Some of the friends and family that know us believe i should stay regardless of how volitile the relationship is....stay for the kids sake. And some feel that the relationship itself was doing more harm to the children than me leaving. I get that you feel I'm abandoning my family.... believe me, i feel that way too. But i can't go back. Since leaving, my ex has finally gotten some help, and has been diagnosed as being bi-polar. She is on medication now, but the damage to the relationship has been done. i don't like talking bad about her. and i didnt explain "why" i left because my original question wasnt " should i go back"....i can never go back .. My question was regarding the kids and helping them cope with what has happened. As far as the lorie situation, i think you would need to know me better before you could say those types of things about me. I didnt "trade up".....for some "barbie doll" beauty queen. lorie is about the same age as my ex. she wears no make-up, other than masquera. shes' just a down to earth girl. my ex goes to the beauty shop every two weeks and gets her hair dyed and her nails done. And is much more into fashion than the jeans and t-shirt that lorie would wear. oh...and as far as "boobies"? ex has 38-G bustline. lorie is i'm guessing 36-C or D, this isn't, and I'm not, that shallow to leave some one over how they look. i know youre thinking that i'm just the typical guy that thinks with his dick and would leave his family because he found a hot young piece of ass. thats not who i am. I do appreciate your thoughts regarding the children though...you seem very intelligent. I'm guessing you"ve raised a few of your own. your insight on my son was helpful. I hadnt thought about some of that aggression being amplified by his new role as man of the house. I know a guy who was the product of a broken home. His had a similar situation with his father and he said he gave his dad hell over it... he said his dad never argued with him about it or tried to force him to accept things. He just let him take his time and deal with things the way he ,(the son)wanted to. My friend said as the years went on he ended up having a great relationship with his new stepmom and that he actually respected his dad for letting him deal with it in his own way. So maybe patience is key here? as far as the daughter hearing my excited tone about my new barbie doll? not the case. I dont talk about her with the kids. at all to this point. And they have only seen her in passing , twice. i have tried to keep them separate. last time they saw her my daughter came running up to say hi, while my son sat in the car and stared from a safe distance. And i understood both of their responses. oh, and as far as my ex not telling me things...I see her, and we talk about the kids several times a week. I go to her house often still to help with maintanance and show my son how to do some of those things that young men need to know how to do, mow the lawn, mend the fence, those sorts of things... And my ex and i still parent together. we attend all school functions and parent-teacher meetings together. thank you again, for the feedback. i wish more people would comment.
No, not at all. Was just stating thats what everyone else would think, based on the assumption that the new flame was younger. Which is not the case, so a different situation. Your kids are people, at some point it fully becomes their life with out being dependant on the parents. Do you leave that till later, wrap them up in cotton wool ........or is a little more self reliance early a good thing. Every parent every person would have different views on that, There's always pros and cons no matter which way it goes, this way your daughter has two mums and a good thing for your son to learn a bit of self reliance. Staying together for the kids sentiment is one of the worst things you can do No, but lots of experience cleaning up others mess I'm surprised you havent had more comments, I know there are a few foster carers here, but it is a hippy forum. Perhaps seeking out a foster carers forum is the next step....I'd suggest a recently divorced forum...but I would assume there might be too much blame game type stuff
