to clean up no doubt. I was abstinent from sex for almost eight months before inserting my penis in the last female that I did. It has been over nine months of a totally fucked relationship. Not in it anymore, I have said that before as well... her and I recently came to a mutual understanding that neither party is benefitting in any way as a result of us "being" with one another. Was a co dependent/sex mess. I compromised my values to the extreme by putting myself around her. She does not know how to be honest yet most of the time claims to be. That was a major issue. I don't trust her for anything and it has been a repeat pattern of her hiding things from me and then telling me them. I had gotten very angry the first few times it happened, got to the point where I wasn't surprised at all. I even thought once that this was what I deserve and I can't do any better. My freedom/feeling of safety easily flies out the window when I am with her, I don't question my feeling of safety the whole time being around her but there have been numerous times where I havent felt safe. Is that strange for a man to not feel safe? I don't recall any guys feeling scared of the person they are/were with. To show an example of how much I don't trust her I will share the experience of the other night. I was gathering some belongings from my house to stay the night at hers, she was parked in my driveway. I took my back pack and coat along with me to go into my house because I don't trust her being around my back pack. If that doesn't fucking spell it all out then I don't know what does. I CAN'T TRUST HER WITH MY BAG IN HER CAR FOR FIVE MINUTES?! For fear that she might drive away with it or something? It is terrible that I did this to myself. I've never had a problem trusting in other relationships I've been in, it was never an issue. Co dependent and addicted to the sex. Seeking outside fixes for an inside job. Once I push through this whole experience I know it will be most rewarding, it already has been and I am grateful for the things that have happened. She has two kids.. I got to see that I am capable of being a great father some day should that sort of thing happen. I got to see how grateful I am to not be a father now and to see how shitty it can be to be a parent when you don't take care of your kids or yourself properly. Forgot to mention that she was in a toxic marriage when I got with her, her divorce will be final soon. I also am able to safely say that I do not want to ever sleep with a married woman again. I was able to interact with her husband in a calm manner while he expressed psychotic rage. I went to the emergency room on one occasion because he ended up biting my wrist. He spit in my face not too long ago as well, he had his two year old on his shoulders... not that I would have fought him or anything as I am not a violent person, just that he is a fucking ****** for using his son as a shield. If he would have done that to someone else they might have gone blind with rage and not even seen that the child was on his shoulders. Apparently he did the same thing to his own father a short while back too. I didn't get angry which is so cool to see that I can maintain somewhat of a mental calm in what would be very disturbing situations for most. Should I choose to actually learn from this retarded mess I created I might be very cautious in how I approach future relationships and be able to see warning signs sooner. I was also able to work on my control issues/insecurities while being with this female. That is a beautiful thing. The control issues mainly stemmed from my inability to trust her but still, it is a nice thing to have confronted within myself. I also got to a point where I am very impressed with my sexual abilities due to the nine months of practice that I had. I am able to hold out and keep it all in and center myself whereas before it seemed as if I had no control. I see as well that I have a very high sex drive... I outdo her which would say a lot if you knew her. The relationship helped me to see that I like being in a relationship (not this one) but that I don't need to be in one. Definitely helped me attain some detachment from the "need" to "be" with somebody. Helped me to see what is truly important to me; spiritual development. I proceed directly to the lower realms when interacting with her. I am glad we ended on a positive note though, no arguing or anything just clear conversation of what needs to be done. The longest I have made it without being with her is fourteen days.. the freedom and joy I recognize by being with just my own baggage for a day is fucking amazing. Soo liberating. What she eats doesn't make me shit. Tomorrow will technically be Day One. How many times I have been at day one is ridiculous but I will not beat myself over it, just focus on what needs to be attended to. In a month I'll be vacationing in Florida for a couple weeks so I am aspiring to make it all the way through that month safely and then celebrate my success by relaxing in the sun.. a break from the winter and my piss poor penile decision making. Grateful for my view of reality that I have today, it is beautiful being in my mind now.. used to be a hellish experience. Tired of holding myself back with negative behavior patterns. The problem is I. She definitely is not the solution Thank you for reading.
Pretty crazy deep story man but I gotta say that I have learned the most from my worst relationships and it sounds like you have done the same. You've learned a lot about yourself and now you just have to stay strong and move on! best of luck to you
Another thing to be grateful for.. in those nine months I became a Certified Massage Therapist which is something that likely wouldn't have happened if I had not interacted with her. She is a massage therapist as well and encouraged me to go to the school that she did. If I would have stayed broken up with her back then school would have been much easier for me to get through. All in all it is a very shitty thing that I did to myself. I really did a number on OneLifeForm by being a volunteer to this kind of white trashery. So fucking glad that she is not pregnant with my child. I surely would have wanted to kill myself if my child had to be brought up with her and all of the other bull-O-knee she adds. (My use of the "N" word does not have anything to do with the race of the individual. I simply use that word to describe the overly ignorant.. like myself!)
Learning from it will give it value. Addictive behavior calls for extraordinary measures- as you well know. be grateful that you have all the tools (not to mention luck) necessary to come away from the situation unscathed. Using them or not is entirely your prerogative.
Yes Sir! I forgot to mention; Day One (Won)! Sexual attachment is the strongest form of attachment. Wow it has been a fucking ride.. pun not intentionally intended. I'm just glad that it didn't last longer than it did and that I still have a little bit of life ahead of me possibly.. if I fall asleep tonight and wake up again that is.
People are very strange aren't they.. Thankyou for replying to my story now I've read yours and even though our stories are totally different they have the same ending like you said: need to stay the fuck away from that person! The advice I would give you is to stay logical , and don't let any feelings sexual or otherwise take over. I believe I'm doing fine at the moment, and I find the best way to stay that way is to put things in perspective.. I tell myself everyday something like this: it's ok to be a bit sad and lonely, but things are going to improve, of course I miss him we spent 2 years together and planned on spending the rest of my life with him, so understandably I'm feeling a gap like there's something missing. I have other things to focus on now, I have my future career ahead of me (like you I've just finished school and have a traineeship and more study to organize). I can have FUN again, I remember how limited I was with him, I was so happy with him but that happiness revolved around him only, and that's never healthy. I have friends I didn't see when we were together to get reaquainted with, and when the time comes, I will meet a guy who is healthy for me! A bit of a long set of affirmations to say every morning, but maybe you'd find doing a similar thing helpful, just stay strong, coz your life ad happiness is more important than giving in to urges that are going to male you Miserable.
Thank you for your response. It is a hell of a thing, I threw my happiness out the window when being with her. I pretty much stopped caring about my life.. that is not her fault it is my problem and her bullshit that I put up with only made matters more miserable. Day Two Today
Don't worry, there's plenty of fish in the sea, that was a poisonous situation. Also, chill on the racism. Cowardly shits come in all colours, and do you really blame her husband for being a bit fucked up, after having to deal with a relationship with her, and raising kids with her? If there will be custody hearings, you should first speak to him (in a calm manner, again) and then be ready to testify for him, that she's a totally crazy abusive bitch and should NOT have custody (or visitation...) of those kids. The fact that the two of you have had some rockyness between you is even good, shows that you don't like each other but are willing to band together to keep the kids from that bitch. If you'd have to see her at court or wherever, and are afraid of some sort of sexual entrapment or ambush, go with someone else. Even your (and especially your) mother.
