Self-esteem, depression, coming to terms with sexuality

Right. I'm 18. I'm a girl.

I'm tired of venting online, telling half of my story and expecting a full answer. I need counselling. I know this. BUT THE HELP IS TAKING TOO DAMN LONG TO COME.

So please forgive me for all the emotional drivel that I'm about to spout, but I feel so alone where I am right now, and I just need to get it out so I can do something else.

I don't know what my sexuality is. I've always found myself to be quite a reactive person. If I'm dolled up in a dress to go out partying, I'll feel 100% straight. If I'm in a shirt/jumper that clings to my shoulders (which are like a man's :/) I feel more masculine, and less attractive to men. I have a subtly square jaw, and subtly-boy-ish face. I don't really like this. I wish I had a more feminine face so I could get away with dressing all grungy and still look pretty. That's all I really want. To look pretty. (I hate that I just said that, but I've gotta be honest)

I sit like a man. I sometimes stand like a man. My voice is pretty deep. I'm scared of how it sounds sometimes... it shocks me how manly it is. Especially as I'm sure other guys think I'm weird for it. I'm petrified of them making fun of me.

I am attracted to women. It's weird, like I don't really know to what extent I'm attracted to them. I think beautiful women are beautiful. I love them. I love their faces, their fashion sense, their look. I love that. I love beauty in people.

I find women easier to talk to. I've been in a 99% girls environment pretty much my entire life, as I went to an all girls school and have only really ever had female friends. I've never had the courage to really be 100% myself around guys, and though I've had a boyfriend, I never really thought he was right for me. The other guys who've liked me (there have only ever really been a few unfortunately) I feel liked me for someone that I'm not. This one guy at college who likes me is pretty dumb, and though he's nice, I feel a little insulted that none of the men who I've felt really attracted to or who I've felt are really up my street have ever even spoken to me.

I only like really really hot guys. And they're always arrogant, and never really want that much to do with me. I feel so awkward and inadequate around them. I wish I could be what they want. Just to know if it'd ever work out or not.

I've always been attracted to girls physically, just not as much as now. I get really turned on around pretty girls, but I never want to do anything! I just get nervous. I'm not even sure I'd want a relationship. I'm totally fine with being friends with girls. I love being friends with girls.

My main issue.... the dealbreaker... is my history of best friends. I have only ever had female friends. And my best friends have always been REEEALLY close to me. I find my current best friend attractive. I don't get jealous when she talks about other guys. I don't really know who she'd marry for me to get jealous of. And if she did get married, if I still got to hang out with her, and we still had that sister-ish relationship then it'd be fine! But unfortunately, the attraction makes it a little awkward sometimes... when I talk to pretty girls (and SOMETIMES hot guys) my eyes dart a lot, and for that I can't really look into their eyes for very long. I don't know why. She's noticed this. I think because we're both from heavily Christian backgrounds she's thought nothing of it, but there have been times when I've thought "hmm... this is odd", and no doubt she has too.

Other people have noticed that my past relationships with friends have been very similar to a normal romantic relationship. I'm still trying to figure out why.

I'm confused, because I always really wanted sex with a guy, and saw guys really sexually, but never got the chance to connect with them emotionally (self-esteem issues on my part, but also never really meeting the right guys/the right guys never really liking me that much). And yet, if I am really into girls, why am I put off by the idea of sex with them? Or even making out with them?

And why am I straight when I'm drunk? What does that mean?

-------

I get really depressed sometimes, most recently because I messed up my a-levels, and while all my friends (including my best friend) are at uni, I'm at home, studying, and going to college, where because of the differences in background, I really have nothing in common with anyone. I'm so used to having great connections with people that I didn't notice that that's the only time when I feel happy, and feel like myself. Without friends, I kind of forget who I am, so this year I've started trying to find myself, which because I feel so alone has become really depressing. Then to figure out that my sexuality is nowhere near as hetero as I thought is even worse, as my family are very Christian, and Jamaican. So.... I pretty much can't talk to anyone about it.

I have my self-esteem issues, which really affects this depression... and makes it somewhat serious. I hate/am aware of my masculine tendencies. Every friend has pointed it out/teased me about it... not even in a mean way, but just in a way that friends do... over time it has gotten to me as that's all I can see in the mirror these days. My shoulders are so manly... I have really masculine trap muscles, and my jawline.... it's just all really masculine. I don't wanna lie to myself and cover it up, because they're my bones and they're always gonna be there... but I'm really having trouble coming to terms with it. There are times when I feel more like a young man than a girl. This is what scares me the most. I don't really feel trapped in my body... just a little betrayed. I'd like to like what I see in the mirror more... and I just don't. I've tried holding myself differently and sometimes this works but only when I feel really feminine (which isn't often) and it comes from within.




I'm sorry about this rant, and I'm sorry if I come off all teenage and stupid, but I really need to say it somewhere. I am alone 24/7 around loads of people... even my family. And that's the worst thing. I know they love me and I love them but my heart really hurts... and I can't even begin to tell them why. I know how hurt my mother was the other day when she saw me crying, and I told her I needed counselling. We're like best friends, and the fact that something that is bothering me so much can't even be shared with her I know is hurting her.

Please, some advice...

 

It'll take me a while to figure out what advice to give you.

In the meantime, have one of these:
:grouphug:

 

I really don't mind that. In the past people have given me advice in two seconds, and their advice hasn't really solved my problem...

Thanks for reading my vent though... please come back to me with something at some point... My life has pretty much switched off. I've been sleeping a hell of a lot more, and whenever I wake up I just feel this huge disappointment to be stuck in the same place. I don't feel like anything in life will ever be that good. I can't bring myself to kill myself, but I don't want to live like everyone I know anymore. I'm tired

 

First thing I'd say is you don't have to choose to be straight or lesbian and try not to get hung up on which one you are, maybe you're a bit of both. You were saying that when you dress a certain way you feel one way and vice versa. But this is turning it around on which person would be attracted to you rather than thinking about what you are attracted to. You can be dressed casual to the point of masculine and guys might still find you attractive. Like wise you could be dressed all feminine and girls can still be attracted to you. try to think of it from the inside out: regardless of what way you're dressed or styled, who do *you* find attractive...

The thing to do is make the most of the times you are out from family home. If you get away to Uni even better but in the meantime what happens at home can stay at home and try not to dwell on it in social occasions. With regard to your appearance, you have to try and embrace you as you are and show yourself off to your best with confidence (faked at first if needs be). People react well to confidence and tend to engage with you more which breeds more confidence and relaxation in you as a virtuous circle. Try to read the signs if someone is interested in you and avoid pursuing guys or girls where there's no reciprocation. In the long run that saves you heartache and hassle. You're young and have plenty of time to discover yourself, try not to put so much pressure on yourself.

 

:iagree:

 

One thing I was thinking after was about your difficulty talking things through with your family. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It sounds like a lot of your problems are to do with self-esteem and depression *as well as* your questions about your sexuality. If you feel that you can't discuss your sexual identity questions with family or if you bring them up you won't really get any useful feedback, you could try parking that question for the moment. Regardless of whether you're straight, lesbian or bi- you still have issues about confidence, loneliness and how you feel about your appearance. Maybe you could find a way to talk about these with your family anyway and just refer in generic terms about potential romantic partners. Whatever their views on sexuality they might have something helpful to say.

One more thing: about the platonic friends thing, there's nothing wrong with only having female platonic friends, lots of girls are like that. I have platonic male and female friends but I do know girls who tend to hang around only with girls and there are lots of guys who just just hang with their "bros". The one pattern to try and avoid though is to focus too much on one special platonic friendship to the exclusion of others especially as a substitute for a romantic connection. If there's no chance of a romantic connection happening, you'll end up investing too much emotional energy and risk too much jealousy that will end up poisoning the friendship. By all means have a "best friend" but on equal terms only, where you both feel the same way about each other (and don't end up overly jealous when one acquires a romantic partner). Spread your wings and spend time with a wider selection of platonic friends if you can.

 

Triona_b , you not understanding when she says that she can't talk to her family, I am Jamaican myself, and my parents/family is also christian based, there is absolutely no way I can tell my family about my sexuality, coming from a Jamaican background, it's against the law down there, and people are very passionate about not accepting the gay community.

To the OP:
What I picked up on is that you are only attracted to physically appearance when it comes to both sexes, you said you like hot hot guys, and attracted to beauty in woman, there's nothing wrong with that, but it reminded me of a quote saying that "when you are attracted to someone is because you see something in them that you don't see in yourself"...im not sure if the quote is exactly like that.

Everyone has self esteem issues and insecurities, but the one that makes these problems affect their social and daily life then yes it is a issue.

Agreed.

There will be alot of guys/woman who will find this attractive about you. You have to find out about yourself of what makes you unique as an individual. What do you like about yourself. You said you have friends, they are with you for a reason, there's something about you that they like. And that's for you to figure out, and use that to your advantage.

There will be always something you won't like about yourself, but you shouldn't let that stop from being who you are as a person.

 

Yeah, I think I might be bi. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm bi. But I might lean heavily towards females for now... because I'm not really sure of my identity and they've always been more accepting, they're the people I'm the most comfortable around and I think the ones I find more attractive.

And yeah, I'll try to be a little more confident and relaxed and myself. I'm usually great at that, and used to be almost popular, but what with all these changes and doubts recently, I've almost become a shadow of a person.

It's pretty shit because some days I feel amazing and other days I can't even get out of bed because I feel like I can't face my life. And I feel like I don't know where I'd be drawing the confidence from, and what for. I'm so scared about even waking up tomorrow, because I might look in the mirror and see *this* or *that* and my ENTIRE self-image will go into meltdown yet again. I guess because I am/do so many different things I'm having trouble fitting myself into any mental place... and the one that fits me right now (lesbian) is something I'm almost scared of. I guess there's just this big difference between who I want to be and who I am.

And also, because I've just started properly talking to guys, when I'm at college and around no one I really like as even a friend... I don't understand why (when they are) men are attracted to me, other than that they're probably being pretty animalistic and not actually into me as a person. The only sort of friend I have at college tried to ask me out before even getting to know me, and for some bizarre reason (probably because there was no one around who fit me better) I still talk to him, and he's not really stopped hitting on me. I don't think he even knows what kind of person I am properly. I'm worried that all the men who are ever into me will be like that, and that I'll never even get to the stage of having a relationship with a guy.

THIS is where the issues might start. I love having my friends around/being around them, and tend to develop pretty heavy best friends. To the point where people have compared them to relationships. And my current "relationship"-best friend is getting with all sorts of guys at uni.. and I'm not jealous at all! Even when she had her last boyfriend... I was nowhere near jealous. I thought I was almost in love with her! Does that mean our friendship isn't that romantically serious, and that I can calm down? I just think that when she finally does find someone that she feels that connection with (deeper than me), maybe that means we can't really be as close any more. And I'll have nobody. I've never felt like I was on the same level with someone so much before

Anyways. I never get jealous. My friends get jealous. They don't have bitch fights but there are always these times when we're a group of three and I'm closer with one than the other and just.... *sigh*. But whatever.

I've never had any kind of great connection/relationship with a guy ever. But I do get jealous. I never fight but I guess sometimes I try and compete and.. it never really works out that well.

This is a VERY good point. Maybe I'm attracted to 'beautiful' people because I don't feel it myself? Is that what you're saying? And if so, does that mean once I do gain confidence in myself will I be attracted to different things?

And I think my friends are friends with me because of my fun side. I like to joke a lot ('banter' they call it). But I always found girls find me funnier. Oddly, when I feel more confident, guys find me funny. But... I don't know. You guys are right about me trying to box myself in to something when I don't really fit... I just feel a little too all over the place otherwise though. Like, it's become a habit now to ask/tell myself what sexuality/gender I am or should act like today. And if I wake up telling myself I'm lesbian... I usually have a pretty confused day.. morally at first... and then after a while sexually... If I tell myself I'm bi... my day's still confused, but a little better... and if I tell myself I'm straight... well... it doesn't work too well.

 

Just a quick response as I have to go (I don't want you thinking I'm being abrupt for no reason). I'd say you're overthinking a lot of things. The point about not having to choose, it's important. Lesbian, Heterosexual, Bi-sexual. These are just approximations, convenient labels for society and they can change from time to time. Each one of us is different and we all have our own unique sexual identity. The last thing anyone should be fretting about first thing in the morning is what exact label their sexual identity should be. Just get up and enjoy (or endure!) the day. You're the same person whether it's a lesbian, bi- or straight morning and if worrying about it causes you stress then don't worry about it, just *be*.

Another thing you're overthinking is guys' intentions. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Guys are dogs. Every last one of them and I say that with affection. Think of the sweetest, kindest gentlest man you can think of, I guarantee he has all sorts of depraved sexual thoughts in his head. It is possible for a guy (or a girl!) to chat away amiably with you, like you and still have "animalistic" thoughts about you. It doesn't have to be one or the other, it's usually both. If you're chatting to a guy and having a good time, enjoy the moment. You're only 18, you don't need to find a life partner. You shouldn't have to worry about how to define your relationships or whether a guy or girl's interest is "real" or not. If they're spending time with you, they like you. It's really as simple as that. Unless you're an heiress to a vast fortune, you don't have to worry that they're feigning interest in you for ulterior motives.

Just on the family thing. I'm completely aware how traditional and christian Jamaican families can be, I was just saying that there are other issues outside of sexuality that you can still discuss with them if you're careful how you word them so as not to hit the triggers. You can easily talk about how you feel about your appearance, your confidence and struggles with depression. For sure, it's hard to feel like certain areas are off limits for discussion but it's surely even harder to feel like *everything* is off-limits.

And I'm not saying not to have a best friend, it's a fantastic relationship to have, just to be careful that it's on an equal footing and that you're not relying on just the one person for all your social and emotional needs. The idea is not to stop being friends with her but 1) have other friends too and 2) if you feel romantically inclined to her and she doesn't back then dial down the romantic aspect of your relationship and focus on the platonic part.

 

Well alright! That's really helpful advice, thanks.

 

You're very welcome. I hope everything works out for you!