A whole new set of problems

As some of you may remember, I was having some issues with my girlfriend wanting to fuck our one friend, which I was okay with since we have an open relationship, and feeling excluded from activities with my girlfriend and our other friends. My girlfriend was having trouble figuring out whether he was interested in her. Also, she would always go out with our friends and hang out all night without calling or texting me once to tell me she was safe and having fun. She felt like I was trying to distance myself from them.

Since all that, we have discussed the whole topic of our friend and things got really great with us. I have been working really hard to get involved with our group of friends and that has been going great as well.

For the last month or more, I noticed a change in my girfriend's sex drive. I had to almost beg her for anything or I would have to really work to get her in the mood. We discussed it and she at first told me that there were a few aspects of myself that she found sort of unattractive. She then realized that her being off her depression medication must be the cause. She was able to get back on her meds a couple weeks, but it hasn't gotten better.

Along with that, she revealed to me that she has a big crush on our one friend now. I was a little upset about that, but she promised that it is a stupid little crush and didn't mean anything.

Lately, her and our friend have been hanging out together, mostly going out to eat and ice skating or whatever. I have noticed a change in her mood whenever he is around or whenever he is brought up. She just seems happier. She doesn't notice this at all though.

Tonight, she told me that while she was hanging out with him, she kept on imagining doing stuff with him. From the way she talks, this fantasy is common. Again, I am okay with that, since we have an open relationship. The thing that bothers me is that she seems to not fantasize about me as often. She said that he sometimes turns her on more than I do, but insisted that she is always turned on by me. When I asked what about me is attractive, she named just physical things about me, whereas I named physical and aspects of her personality. That might sound dumb though. She also said that she has an interest in seeing how things would go with him in a relationship. She said she doesn't want to lose me though and still loves me.

We both agree that things aren't right in our relationship and she brought up trying the taking a break thing. She wants to reflect on aspects of herself. Anyone have any thoughts or advice on this whole thing?

 

She DOES notice it, you're fucked. Not in a good way. Sorry man...

She just doesn't want to lose you as a friends.
Because she seems mostly open...

She doesn't want to fuck you anymore, but has to so that she has you to talk to about everything...

that's just what it sounds like...

 

Thanks for the reply. I kind of suspected this. Last night I tried getting her in the mood, but she said she didn't feel in the mood at all. This was after flirting all day and kissing. When she realized I was sort of disappointed, she suddenly wanted to do something for me. I told her I didn't want her to because I felt like she was only doing it because she thought I was upset.

We were supposed to hang out today, but she got a call from the guy friend and went to dinner with him. I was going to go hang out too, but she didn't call me and now she told me that her and another friend of hers are going to spend the night at his house.

 

shitt man i'm sorry for you, but she's totally into that other guy... that's totally bad for you... i mean, she don't want to fuck you anymore and she totally wants to have a serious relationship with the other guy... =/ bad

i say you should move on, end the relationship with her... it's done the way i see it...

of course that if you want to have her back, it's not impossible man ... but take your take time, not right now with she going after that other guy and you going after her...

what do you want to do?

 

Why do you have an open relationship?
You keep saying you're okay with it because you have an open relationship. But you AREN'T okay with it; and having an open relationship doesn't magically change your feelings.

 

:iagree: If it is an open relationship you better get used to it or get out.

 

You're fucked. Your girl sucks. And is a liar.

 

Thanks for all the replies. Since my last post we have done a lot of talking. I have asked her several times if she thought about just ending the relationship but she says she still loves me and is happy. We often talk about sex and our fantasies or any dirty thoughts we have been having. Mine are always about her. She typically thinks about threesomes or having rough sex with the other guy. The two of them were taking semi-artistic photos today and all she could think about was fucking him. Never once in our talk tonight did I come up, except for the threesome.

 

Hang in there PA but be cautious. Give her some rough sex if that is what she wants. Make her beleive you the man of her fantasies. It is sex that she wants so give her a reason to want you more.

 

Taking a break = 99.5% chance she's gone.

She wants to reflect on aspects of herself (aka "It's not you, it's me") = It's YOU

Move on.

Now.

 

wow man taking artistic photos together, fantasizing with him... i know you guys are in an open relationship and stuff, but she totally wants to be in a closed relationship with the other guy... and it seems that shes treating you more like a friend...

break up with her...

...even if you want her, break up with her, it'll not do if she keeps treating you like this

 

Open relationships only work if one person doesn't develop feelings for someone else.

In an open relationship, the only way someone can cheat on you is emotionally, and thats what shes doing.

 

Thanks for the responses everyone. We are now having many serious talks about what is going on and what it is that we want. It is difficult to just end everything because we have been together for so long and have so many memories together.

It was suggested that I give her lots of rough sex, since that is clearly what she wants. The problem is that we hardly ever do anything anymore. I am lucky is I get oral once a week. Typically, I try to get her excited with touching and kissing, but I am almost always shut down. Just the other day I was starting in on some touching, but was asked to stop because she wasn't in the mood for anything. This is a normal thing. But, she is constantly making little hints about wanting the other guy. When I bring it up, she says that even if he wanted to do stuff, she would say no because she isn't in the mood at all for anything.

Another thing is that it seems like her and I can't do anything without her trying to include our friend. The other day, her and I were going to go out so she could finish up some of her shopping. Well, it ended up that our friend was somehow invited and so I had to deal with that. I wouldn't have a problem with him coming along, but it seems like whenever he does, her focus turns completely to him. At the end of the day, she didn't do any shopping because he wanted to shop and she was being entertained by him. She told me that she needs to shop alone, so that she doesn't get distracted by either of us. So what happened the next day? The two of them spent the whole day out shopping together.

A couple days ago, she was going on a trip to visit relatives. She didn't want to go at all, but felt like she had to. The whole day before leaving, she complained about how she was going to miss out on things with our friend and her other friends and how she wanted to go places with them. Nothing about me ever came up.

Her forgetting me when she is out is a big problem with me because it is like I don't exist to her from the time she leaves with her friend until the time she gets back. I worry about this because she is going on a three day birthday trip with this friend of ours and some of his friends. Plus, she is moving across the country with him and some of their friends. I know that when this happens, I will hardly ever hear from her again.

She keeps telling me that she loves me and everything, but she says that the more she thinks about it, the more she feels like we need to take a little break from each other. During our talks, I have given her every opportunity to tell me if she is just totally unhappy with the relationship and wants to end it, but she always says she is happy but is just confused about her feelings.

It is getting to the point where I am almost tempted to tell her that if she loves me and only wants to be with me, then she needs to just stop hanging out with the other guy. But, I know that that would be too controlling of me and I don't want to be like that.

 

I edited your post because I want to highlight some key points:

1. She sticks around you because she's comfortable with you, like a good friend. Its just in your case, there sexual-romantic history, but that's all it is, history.

In some ways this same reason is why you're reluctant to break it off too, the difference is you still feel the spark, she doesn't and it's causing you angst and sorrow; and maybe a bit of fear about being single.

2. Forget about being "the controlling boyfriend" because you're not. Telling someone how something is honestly messing with you emotionally is not manipulation ; it's just painful truth.

Breakup with her so you feel you have your footing in this emotional rollercoster before she disappears w/out you being able to say a proper goodbye. In this breakup message in a note or face to face explain to her why she's confused and couldn't give you an answer about make-up or break-up, it's highly possible her mind hasn't put logical words to her emotions yet.


*hands you a plate of Christmas cookies * hang in their bro

 

have your own backbone and break up with her, no ties. she's stringing you along and it doesn't sound healthy.

sorry man, but it seems like it's for the best.

 

shit man shes making you her poodle you know...

end it now... if it 'emotionally impacts' her, it will for your own good so she stops treating you like this, if it doenst you already completely lost her to the other guy

 

Thanks a lot for your advice.

I went away for a few days during the holidays to give her time to think about everything that is going on. Before I left we did have a little "encounter", and that was the only one for a good while. Even when I came back into town she wasn't interested in doing anything.

Right now we are taking a break from each other. She wants us to go out with different people and see if we are missing anything by not having other relationships. She told me that her feelings for this friend keep growing stronger. It is to the point where she is more sexually attracted to him than she is to me. She claims that this attraction sort of goes back and forth between being more than me or equal to me. For the past few weeks she said it has been stronger than her attraction to me.

I sort of posed the question about choosing between the other guy and I, just to see what she had to say. She said that it was something that was too hard for her to answer.

We talk a lot about our fantasies and sexual thoughts. Well, most of hers involve him anymore. Everytime they hang out, she gets turned on by him. The last time I turned her on was when we had sex, over a week ago.

They recently set up separate photo shoots with someone. I was never invited to go along, but after it was over, she asked if I would have even wanted to go and watch. She wants to set up nude shoots soon, and talks about how she wishes he would be there watching them or even get involved. Again, nothing about me in those ideas.

Anyway, we are pretty much on a break from each other as I said. She wants it to be minimal contact just to see how things go. She claims that she doesn't want to use this break as a dating experiment, but wants to improve herself and get her mind straight before coming back to me.

 

There seems to be a difference between an open relationship, and one with weak boundaries and lack of priorities.

I have an outline of what would be my rules for an open relationship. I`m only posting it here because I empathize and feel it could help you:

Open/poly relationship boundaries:

1) primary or secondary?

2) expected (but, flexible) me time and together time/ "at the drop of a hat" only in emergencies;

3) sporadic (no more than 3 weeks running) safe casual sex within me time only (no notification required);

4) relationship (consent required prior to sexual contact)/ ask permission to talk about it (no details);

5) affection in private;

6) 1 month time off allowed with 1 week notice;

-------------

It`s sort of a sketch to myself. So, let me know if it interests you and/or if you need clarifications. I think you`re on the right track by taking a break.

Good luck. :biggrin:

 

Thanks for that list. Whenever I talk to her again I will be sure to mention these and talk about them. I would talk to her now, but she is now hanging out with the other guy.

I found it interesting that he texted her about hanging out so after we ate, she quickly went home to get ready to hang out. She then texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out with them. I told her that I ahted doing that because I always get kind of ignored when they are together.

 

That`s why I think an open relationship has to have clear, but flexible, expectations.

When is our time together?

When is it your time to do stuff with other people or by yourself?

Who is primary in your life? Who is secondary?

When and how can we talk to each other about other people? What is better kept private?

How can I be notified and give consent beforehand to a new developing relationship so it doesn`t blind-side me?

Just because I do not turn jealousy into the reason for having a relationship, does not mean that I do not need that feeling respected and safeguarded. I feel I have the right to the feeling of jealousy, so long as I do not turn it into acts of control. And, I would expect a partner to be sensitive to that feeling.