No passion

I have been with my girl going on 12 years. At first the sex was great. She use to be very sexual and so was I. I have tried very hard to keep the flame alive with us because if I'm not sexually into someone I can't stay with them very long. I meet her when I was 18 and she was 25.

She brought the idea of swinging up about 6 years ago. That really brought on the passion for us.It opened door i would have never brought up with her if she had not went there.

Slowly that died out too and ended up only being fantasy. I was ok with that . I just wanted her to play the game of dirty talk and role playing. We did this for a while and it was great.

Slowly that died out also. We went from sex 5 times a week to 2 times a month now. Now all the fantasy is gone and so is the passion. Now I'm 29 and she 37. We have three kids too.

I have tried to bring up new ideas to see if it interested her.

I tried studying karma sutra to bring us closer together with her. She said not enough time.

She complains about house chores and kids , so I tried to get her too look at female led relationships. I could help more with cleaning and she could help keep the passion alive with a little role playing. She said it's too much work.

I have tried to get stories , movies what ever i can find to keep us going.

I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me as she was and wanted something new.

I brought up cuckolding which would allow her new verity and was close to the swinging we once talked about. She kinda acted interested but that has died out too.

She has become more religious than she was when we got together. Now all the kinky stuff has died completely. I am losing interest in even having sex with her at all now. I would rather pleasure myself than to be with her. I still try though. I just get tired of me always being the one to instigate and perpetuate our sex lives.

She was more open when we were first together than she is now. I only see us splitting up , i'm only 29. I still enjoy sex. I'm tired any help?

 

Hmmm well I can't speak from experience because I haven't been in your situation before. But perhaps I can throw a few suggestions out for you.

1. If you still love her, I hope you do, take her out and do something that you guys used to do during the "good times", to try to rekindle the flame. Do this without the intent to have sex, but to establish and reinforce what your relationship means. Perhaps you should do this at one of the 2 times a month thing where she's open and then just kinda 'surprise' her with a romantic gesture. (Doesn't have to be a fancy dinner mind you, it could be something as sweet as breakfast in bed on a weekend morning when the kids are taken off your hands. But yeah learn to cook.)

How old are the kids you guys have? If they are little, I recommend asking the grandparents or a trusted baby sitter to watch them. Your going to have to get her to wind down because it sounds like she feels anxious all the time about life in general.

2. If your kids are little see if they are interested in 'a plan to cheer mommy up' and have them draw pictures or something sweet. (Warning don't give them markers, crayons, erasers or anything swallowable if they are the type to draw on the walls or put things in their mouths)

3. Also don't overdo it with trying to woo her into 'getting in the mood' direct approaches probably get annoying after a while from her perspective especially if the reason for her lowered libido is hormonal related. (is her sex drive down due to any medications she's taking or has taken? If so consult your Doctor)

 

you're 29, she's 37. that adds to some weight. i'm 28 and i don't see myself in a relationship with someone who only wants to have sex twice a month. sorry. that just won't work. it's your life and you gotta make a decision.

 

You have been together 12 years. You are in the same boat as the majority of people in relationships for more then 10 years. Of course everyone is different, but sexual passion tends to die after a while in long term relationships. You seem to be on the right track with trying to do things. Especially with kids and lives and stuff I have often heard women (who are on the opposite side of your problem) say that by the end of a long day of whatever it is they do (keeping up with life and kids etc) that they simply do not have the energy to enjoy having sex the same way before going to bed as they have for a while.

Typically the advice I have seen been given is to (if you want to for her and feel you are able) try taking on more of her tasks on a daily basis (You were on the right track taking on more of her cleaning and such), as well as trying to be a little more flirtatious and spontaneous. Jump her in shower or something, or even doing something as simple as planning a day date when the kids wont be around for you do have the house to yourself might work. If your always trying to make it happen when you wake up or before bed, then I could understand why she might not be that interested. Plan it so that you can get her when she is at the peak of her regular levels of energy through the day.

 

We go through cold spells too. I usually don't desire him sexually if I feel he is being dishonest, selfish, lazy, childish, etc. I also remind him that begging for sex doesn't turn me on.

When I feel connected with him, and I feel that we are honest and supportive with eachother, I desire him more.

Women's sexuality is often governed by our mental and emotional well-being and I think men have a hard time understanding that we can't always just flip a switch and turn it on. If I can't get turned on, I can't enjoy sex, I mean at all. And I expect I'm not a very enjoyable sexual partner if I'm not enjoying the sex at all.

The point? There is probably something mental/emotional that is literally Preventing her from being sexual.

 

I purposely don't ask for sex from her. I let it be when she wants it. I am just getting tired of the vanilla sex we do have. Plus the fact it is not frequently. I'm starting to really think age is starting to come into play. Not sure what to do.

 

That's exactly what I dislike of women when they have no more sex drive. They start complaining about us men that we don't help around the house and invent any possible excuse no to have sex. You either have desire to have sex or have no desire to have sex anymore with your partner. After a while sex is not important for majority of women. Once they become moms or some other big thing for them in their life; sex is not a priority for them. My advice to you is: Go somewhere else and this time look for someone younger and with longer sex drive life. Don't beg or pay for for sex. There are millions of needy women out there. Just look for one that is your fit and be discreet about it.

 

I do agree with they use the house work as a excuse. I even went as far as telling her I would change power roles with her just to see what would happen. I would brotha the sub and do house work and what ever she wanted. I figured if it changed then she was right. Well then she came up with that the dom and sub thing was too much work. She is naturally submissive she says. I think its the age thing. We have children its not like I'm just gonna throw that away. But I will not do this forever. Kids will be all out in 10 years. It just seems like a prison sentence more than a sexual relationship. She in the last couple years has gotten more religious too. It has really gone down since then. Maybe that's it too?

 

One thing I don't understand though is how religion lowers sex drive...especially between married couples. From a literal perspective, the bible encourages married couples to have sex and to be one flesh in many verses. The only thing I see religion saying no to is bringing someone outside of the marriage to play around with the wife and/or the husband. But other than that religion shouldn't interfere between a wife and husband's sex life.

 

Run.

 

She's 37 and she's had 3 of your children. She's not likely to have the same drive of the 18-year-old girl you first met. I feel kind of bad for her...it seems like you have enjoyed a really active, sexually exciting 12 years with her, and now she's had 3 kids and is raising them and you're still a horny young guy thinking about swinging while she's probably just too exhausted and her sexual peak is over...so you're thinking about leaving her. A sad situation. Have you brought this up with her? It's a sensitive issue. I think biologically it was likely to happen even if nothing else is a factor.

 

I am pretty sure it's not age. Personally, I was less interested in sex when I was younger, but I'm way more into it now that I'm older. (I'm about her age) I'm always horny and DTF, and I enjoy it so much more now. I simply can't get enough. I feel sexually empowered and liberated, and that came with age. So, I really think there's something going on inside of her that is causing this deadening of your sex life. And when I read that religion thing, I just groaned. But good luck. You deserve to be happy, and a healthy sex life is quite important.

 

Some religions (Catholicism for example) teach/believe that sex is for procreation only. So with that, you should only have sex when you are open to and working toward conception. Literally, penis and vagina come together for baby making only. That's been the Catholic Church's main argument against birth control- you shouldn't need it because sex is only for making babies. Obviously, not every religion is that strict, but it sure does take the joy out of ass fucking and all that good stuff. :devil:

 

If you have any kids by her that should be your passion.

 

Just another thing she gave you 3 kids how old.

do you realize how hard it is too feel sexy after changing shitty diapers all day. Also some women have a hard time shifting out of mum mode.

Also the body goes through heapsof hormonal changes giving birth depending how long ago that could be it. Could be the birth control.

While a sex life is important be careful it's not just you and her anymore it's you and her and 3 little people

 

True dat.

 

A couple of thoughts, here...

perspective: i'm just a year or two older than your S.O., not some 22 yr old, but not an expert by education. Still, i felt called to respond here.

First: While I get aroused by visual stimulation (and, truth be known, by simply breathing), the women i've known in my life get motivated for sex through intimacy. That's driven by trust, and security, and feeling appreciated. So, for instance, i have found that i get much more sex, and much better sex, when....

...we're sticking to a financial plan or budget so security isnt' an issue. (no stress in our lives)
...i am doing a lot of the work around the house so that she doesn't feel 'taken for granted.' Not "What do you need done?" but just picking something and doing it.
...she thinks she's attractive. (not "I think she's attractive", but that helps).
...she knows i think about her (not sexually) when we're not together (occasional flowers, cards, etc go a long way).

You get the idea. All the women i've had experience with have an "emotional security" gland the size of a football that doesn't even exist in my body, and the sex ain't happening if that need isn't met.

***Second item, There's a great book call "40 Beads" that may completely take the stress out of sex and turn your world around. The problem may be that if you introduce it to her, your motivations may be "second guessed". If you give it to her, she may read it as "you want more sex". if someone else gives it to her (like, one of her girlfriends), it's about "this will make your life better". It's point is that if she meets your needs, you'll meet hers. It worked for me and my SO when things got stale.

But if you're throwing in the towel, and want to give it another try, you can't do any more damage by giving it to her. Google "40 bead method" to find out about it.

 

Oh, and had another thought. RE: her growing religion (assuming Christianity, because you weren't specific)

In absence of other evidence, you should pretty much forget about the swinging thing. In that mindset, your relationship is about commitment, not sport. But when you're in commitment, there's a wide variety of beliefs on what behaviours are "ok". Her body is yours, and yours, hers. Just not hers and other people too.

Which brings up....some of her angst may be about marriage. You implied you weren't married, and it may be a problem for her. I'm not suggesting you fix it by marrying her, because you're having the probs you have now. But you could, i suppose, talk to her about it.

 

You need to be open and honest with her. Most of the time, if a woman truly loves her husband she is going to try to please you, you need to let her know not just about he vanilla sex but that you are sexually unsatisfied and frustrated and its becoming a big problem, number one cause of infidelity. Also, if relgion is at play here, this could b delicate because you no longer share the same views on life, a religious person would fix a problem in a completely different way then a normal person would. With that in mind you need to decide, you seem to be at your sexual peak and its not fair for your wife to deprive you of that.

 

That should have been your first clue.

Now looking back on it, what do you think the real reason for that was?