I've been suppressing the thought that maybe i am a bit mental, because it's one of those things that people think, "Oh, that doesn't happen to me, that happens to other people" you know what i mean? But my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic and my mother has bipolar disorder and drinks heavily and is drugged up 24/7, so it's very possible for me to have some sort of mental illness. I just find it hard to admit, but it should be obvious to me. I have a huge problem with thinking that my family is going to kill eachother. It probably stems from the fact that I lived/still live in a very drunken, abusive household, and my life has been put to risk more times than i can count. But I don't get much sleep because I am afraid that my brothers or my parents are going to come in and kill me. Same with driving, I feel like they're just going to drive off of a cliff and end us all. Taking baths frighten me because I can just look at the water and i end up thinking about how easy it would be to just end my life, to just drown myself right there. And I don't want to die, i really don't, but for some reason i always think about how easy it is to die and how i could just end myself and it would be so fucking easy. The same thoughts when i'm on a walk and there's cars, or if i'm doing the dishes and i'm washing a knife, etc. It's all the time, really. and it scares the hell out of me because i feel like, the thought that it's so easy, i may not be able to control myself. i don't want it to happen but it's tempting just for the simple fact that it's easy. And I'm always wishing that something horribly traumatic would happen to me. I envy those whose loved ones just died. Of course I don't want that to happen at all, but i envy those who go through that and it's very unsettling. I have so many violent thoughts toward myself and others, and it's quite scary. I also have frequent mental breakdowns and have to sit myself down in a chair, bring my knees up to my chest, and lock my arms around my legs and force myself not to slam myself against walls or throw things. I often think about ending myself by just banging my body against the wall until i'm raw and bleeding. I find tiny tasks very hard to manage, i end up getting very frustrated and feel like everyone is just trying to bring me down and make me fail. I'm homeschooled, and i'm at risk at getting dropped out of all my classes because i don't have enough work turned in because i just can't think. I get so fucking stressed. I often times forget to eat, i just live off of coffee until i remember that maybe i should go get some food in. I have to leave a note on my desk that says to eat something. Lately this has all been piling up, to the point where i can barely even fucking remember yesterday. All i remember is sitting down with some coffee but the whole day is pretty much a blur. Oh, fuck, i remember sitting down in the kitchen and shaking and listening to blur. but those two things are all i can remember. I don't know what to do. I feel really scared. Can anyone give me perhaps a name for what i'm going through? I don't trust therapists, i really really don't trust them, and i fucking hate them more than anything in the world. So i won't be going to one of those. And I really don't want to be on medication because my mother is just a fucking wreck and the last person i want to end up like is her. I just need a name, please. A name would be nice for what i'm going through.
I can't give you a name, but where you are seems very unhealthy for you. How old are you? Do you go to school? Can you move into a better environment?
Well as for the name of it, Depression and Anxiety are possibilities, also a stressful environment like that is usually not good for mental health. Unfortunately, the only thing I know to do is get to a better environment, but I know that is not always a possibility I've dealt with a lot of crap as well and leaving was usually not an option. I wish I had some helpful advice but my life is not so awesome either. So I don't really even know what to do about my situation. I can understand not wanting to trust therapists or take meds, therapists seem unable to do anything for me. As for the meds, I tried prozac and all that did was screw me up even more...luckily they only made me psychotic for a few hours but it seems like I still have not completely recovered from that experience. So yeah, I can understand why some people aren't to fond of meds and therapists.
I really recommend you check out this site http://www.suicideforum.com/index.php. It's not just a suicide prevention site it also has many other forums that may meet your needs and theres a chance you may find someone that is going through something similar.
Orphelia hun - go and see a doctor and tell them everything you've just told us. Seriously. It sounds to me as though you may have a mild depressive illness. But I'm no expert. You need to see somebody who knows how to test for it, and what the options are if you test positive for depression. Above all, you need to see somebody who can rule out serious depression (or know what to do for you if it is not ruled out.) They WILL take you seriously - especially with your family history. Do it now hun. PLEASE.
I have to agree with beachball but I would like to add that the environment you are living in is not helpful. All your fears seem to stem from the fear you have for other family members. Maybe when you do speak to a professional you can ask them to put you in touch with someone or some organisation that will help you to move into a safer, more sane and more stable home.
