I have been trying to figure out how things went so wrong in my relationship. We went from being so happy to everything going bad in just a few months. A little refresher just in case there are new people that haven't read my previous posts. During the summer, my girlfriend told me that she was interested in having a threesome with our best friend. She tried to get him interested in it, and it almost worked, but he said that he didn't want his first time to be a threesome. Well, aside from wanting a threesome, she mentioned that she wanted to have sex with just him. Of course I was a little concerned about that, but we talked it over and set up rules and whatnot. Well, she then started hanging out with him and her other friends. She often excluded me from things because I work full time and they liked going to clubs and going to peoples' houses to drink, which I am not a fan of at all. To make a really long story short, a few months ago, she told me that she had feelings for this friend and didn't know what to do about it. Since that confession, our sex life took a dive to where we did stuff once a week, and I really had to work to get her into it. Well, her feelings for him grew to where she told me that she wanted us to take a break so she could figure her life and her feelings for this guy out. She told me that she wanted us to be free to date other people during this break. And that brings things up to a few weeks ago. We decided to go into this break just before the holidays. Originally, we set it up to where we could still call each other and/or hang out if we wanted to. I guess it has been harder for me to just stop seeing her, because I always want to hang out or whatever. Usually though she is hanging out with this friend of ours. Most of the time they are alone and eat dinner or watch movies. Anyway, I am just stuck because I want some closure or something. I want to know how things went wrong. She keeps telling me that it isn't my fault at all, it is her fault. But I just feel like I had to have some hand in things going bad. We were together for almost six years. We never argued, but had minor disagreements that we would resolve that day. We used to have sex or mess around constantly. If I had to guess, things changed a little when I went full time at the grocery store I work at, simply because I couldn't find a job anywhere. I was put in charge of a department in the store required a lot of my time. This was around the time she confessed her threesome fantasy to me. As far as her, she worked at the same store, but hated her job. She only worked weekends. She is one of those types that is looking for that dream job now, instead of trying to work up to it. I recently found a new full time job that is entry level, but has lots of growth potential to what I call my "back-up plan" in case my dream job doesn't pan out. Could it be that our life goals caused this divide in our lives?
It is the old bf at work getting the bills paid, and lazy gf fucks everyone while he is away syndrome. You need a new gf. Don't blame yourself for working for a living. She is the one who wants to smoke everyone's bone while ou aren't around.
People change a lot over a span of 6 years. You have to have both changed a lot as individuals, and as a couple. I'm sure there are people you were once in love with, whom you aren't in love with anymore. You don't want a girlfriend who doesn't want you, do you? She's clearly in a relationship with this other guy. Don't be her back up plan. I know you love her and shit, but maybe she just needs something different. Maybe you're too passive. Maybe she wanted you to say "no! You can't fuck around with my friends because I'm your man and you're my woman". I know if my boyfriend was ok with me cheating on him I'd feel quite unloved and turned off by his spinelessness. Women dont want to fuck cowards. Also, you say you never had fights... That doesn't sound very passionate. Blunt enough?
Where things went wrong : ^ right then. U already know that too. Some people are okay with open relationships, but u obviously aren't, so u should have said no right there and then. Chances are u didn't cuz deep down u knew she would leave u for the guy. ^ that. It has to hurt, so i'm sorry for u, but u really need to move on.
What went wrong was you definitely should have been honest with yourself and said no if you really didn't want her trying to get involved with this guy. If you just went ahead with it just because you were afraid to lose her then that was all the wrong reasons. If I wasn't having an explicitly open relationship I would've given her an ultimatum that she's either with me or she can be with other guys, but not both. All the same if she was truly testing you or whatever I think it was wrong for her to play games like that. It's definitely time to move on, and I would tell her and the "friend" to go fuck themselves
This^^ Sounds like you've grown up and she is still partying, don't let her use you as the "home base" for everytime something goes wrong and she needs you for money or w/e. Find yourself a new girl to love you
I agree on that, even though I do not believe that it played a determined role in your breaking apart but at least you should be honest and show to her that you do not like sharing her. Perhaps you wanted to show that you are progressive as she was, or you were afraid of losing her but it only shows indifference for your partner. Now what went wrong, i think that you have the answer because you are together for a long time and what happens usually at the end is only the conclusion (epilogue) of the main story. All stories are a chain of events. Your romance faded out and you have to accept it, now that she found a new lover her interest is all heated up so its very difficult to make her focus back on you. But did that happen now or it had started long time ago? That's another point that you need to attend to because when your other half is hard working and you are just "excluding" him, that's a very selfish act. Especially during hard times the right partner shall be there for you, saving his/her energy to spend it together. I hope that this turns out good for you eventually with a better girlfriend and to take some lessons out of this (by making your own concussions) that shall be helpful for you at your next serious relationship.
+1. If this happened with me and my gf I'd present her with an ultimatum in literally the next sentence 'Him or me' if I didn't decide to end it anyway. My best friend? really?? furthermore from what you're saying you guys were not even poly so wtf!? I'm going to assume that like me you're too loyal to even consider having sex with her best friend? I say cut ties, fuck her and your best friend off. I know it's difficult but really, why would you keep them around if this is how they treat you? One thing though Zephyr I'm sure you can have passion and still not fight in a relationship? Keep things relatively logical on that front? I'm actually asking because I really wouldn't know.
I think it's definitely possible to have open enough communication not to fight... I would question someone who honestly felt that it was a negative thing that we didn't fight... I mean there should definitely be conflict otherwise somebody in the couple is not standing up for themselves, but that conflict doesn't have to be resolved through fighting/arguing.
Thanks for all the responses. I am open to different things like threesomes, but she developed feelings for him and it affected our relationship, which started everything. I told her that she needed to choose between us, but she said that it wasn't fair to do that. Like what was mentioned, I honestly never considered asking to sleep with her friends. She said that we should date other people while we are on this break, but I never even thought about it, nor did I want to. We honestly didn't fight because we were so much alike. If we didn't agree or had some issue, we would talk it out. I guess right now it is just hard because I knew that there was a future for me with her and it is like she slapped me in the face with it. She really was my best friend and for her to want my other friend more than me is insulting and hurts.
It sounds to me, you may simply not be able to find a smoking gun. I don`t think you did anything wrong, nor your girlfriend. It just sounds like you grew apart. I don`t know a timeline for that, either. And, yes. It sucks. I`ve just run into a case of me having feelings for someone who did not have those same feelings for me. I couldn`t eat, I couldn`t sleep, I had no energy, and my stomach felt like a block of ice. It`s horrible. But I just had to suck it up, and I am feeling somewhat better. I`m sorry for your loss.
